I'm obviously grateful for my family, friends and life. And I have so many good things that I could write about them that it would take me all day but if I did that I wouldn't get my pies made and then everyone would be mad at me. Maybe not mad, but highly disappointed since around here the favorite part of the meal is not the turkey but pies. Pumpkin, pecan, apple, etc.
So I'm writing about other things I'm grateful for...
1. I'm glad that Congress has basically decided that pizza is now considered a veggie on the school lunch menu. Eat that Tony Horton. Now I can do P90X and still eat tons of pizza simply because it has tomato sauce on it. I'm sure kids everywhere appreciate the 'wisdom' of our leaders who have declared that pizza, with it highly refined and processed white flour crust and pounds of greasy cheese can pass as a veggie because it has a few tablespoons of tomato sauce.
Of course, I thought tomato was considered a fruit? So I did a little research, in technical botanical speak a tomato fits the definition of fruit. But under a ruling of the Supreme Court of the United States back in the 1880's, the tomato was legally defined as a veggie so it could be taxed. I think the ruling goes deeper than that, obviously the judges were setting it up, so later pizza could be counted as a vegetable.
Conspiracy or not, I'm just grateful that I don't have to think about the heavy carbs in a pizza because it's now a vegetable.
2. A study done by a University of Notre Dame Psychology Professor has shown that walking through doorways causes us to forget things. Apparently we are messing up our internal filing system in our brain when we take a step through a doorway and thus forgetting.
Wow. I'm thinking this guy walked through too many doors.
Do I believe this? No, because with how many times I walk between the living room and the kitchen if that was true I wouldn't be able to remember my name by now...what a minute, some days when all the kids are puking, dinner is burning and I can't find my sanity maybe it's not from stress...perhaps it's from walking through the doorway too many times. So next time I can't remember who I am, I will try to remember to be grateful to this guy because I now have something to blame forgetfulness on.
3. I'm thankful for the 'people of Walmart' who remind me why it's important to look our best when we leave the house. Wearing pajamas, spaghetti strap tank tops, and slippers to go shopping is definitely bending the no shirt, no shoe rule. Where is your self respect, man? At least put a robe on.
I know celebrities are 'allowed' to go around the town letting everything hang out but they're just pitiful. If you're so desperate for attention that you're going to 'forget' to wear clothes then you need either a hobby, a dog, or something.
Please shoppers, our 'roll back' prices are for customers that bothered to get ready this morning. Of course, we know that isn't going to happen. They would lose too much business.
4. I'm so glad that the zombies didn't take over my town this year. With all the Zombie Apocalypse warnings I was pretty sure that by the time Thanksgiving rolled around we wouldn't be eating turkey, we would be decked out in fatigues, armed with butchers knives and watching our neighbors' brains being snacked on by the shoppers of Walmart. I was expecting B-rated movie music in the background while we ran for our lives from the slow moving, dumb acting, grunting and moaning zombies.
Then we would find an amusement park that was still operational and have as many free rides with no waiting in lines until the zombie mobs found us and we have to work together to kill all of them. And hopefully find some Twinkles at the end. Either way I would ride off into the sunset with hero hottie, ready to kill more zombies.
On second thought, I'm glad the only zombies I ran into were at Safeway last night trying to run each other over with their carts as they waited in long lines with their last minute items. What is it with people waiting until the last minute to buy their groceries? Uhh, that's not why I was there....
5. I'm grateful for vampires that sparkle in the sunlight because they're too easy to make fun of and I'm not sure what I'm going to make fun of next year when Twilight finally fades away. And I'm grateful for werewolves that fight vampires without their shirts on. Really, does no one know how cold and chilly the Pacific Northwest can be? We're not talking beach weather, people. Of course, if any fictional character wants to run around without their shirt on, then I'm voting for Captain America.
So here's my list of things I'm thankful for this holiday season...oh, that and hero hottie, who wishes sometimes that I wouldn't blog about him...but lets me do it anyways. :)
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Showing posts with label Twilight movie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twilight movie. Show all posts
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Hazards of Dating a Vampire
If dating a werewolf isn't thrilling enough for you, than flirt with danger. Date a vampire. They're the ultimate moody hero. Dark. Mysterious. Perhaps just a touch creepy though when they come home in the wee hours of the morning with blood dripping from their fangs. "No, honey. That's just pizza sauce." Yeah, sure it is...
1. It's hard to hang out together. If he's a 'true-to-the-tale' vampire he can't be exposed to sunlight or your boyfriend will turn into a pile of dust. Talk about ditching out on you. At first, this avoidance of the daytime might not be such a big deal but after a while you might start missing long walks along the shore at sunrise or getting a tan.
If he just sparkles in the sunlight then the tougher vampires might tease him because I'm still not sure if fierce, blood sucking monsters are suppose to sparkle like someone went crazy with their Bedazzler.
(Personal opinion, I can't say for sure. They might just be jealous that they can't go in the sunlight too.)
2. He likes to nibble your neck when you're making out. Can you be sure that he's just lovin' or is he tasting?
3. If he's been in high school for over a hundred years there just might be an unresolved maturity issue. I haven't met many people who wanted to be in high school for four years, let along anyone that could stand it for over a hundred years. This problem might even be worse than the guy you dated who played video games all day in his parent's basement...at the age of thirty.
4. You take him over to your parents for dinner and they serve him garlic spaghetti. His hissing, baring fangs and possibly dying is not going to go well. Especially if your family is Italian, then Grandma is going to be insulted forever over the boy who didn't like her spaghetti. What a mess. This is so much worse than when you brought your vegan boyfriend to dinner and he refused to eat the steak.
5. He gets tired of you giving him tan on spray for Christmas presents because the death look just irritates you after a while. 'Really, I know you're like the undead and all, but really the rotting copse look is so yesterday.'
6. He sleeps in a coffin. Really? That's seems so 1950's black and white horror movie. He needs to upgrade to the comforts of modern daily living. Like a bed. With a mattress. Just because he's a monster doesn't mean he shouldn't sleep on something light and fluffy and advertised by little, delicious sheep.
7. He doesn't age and you do. This will cause relationship issues and insecurities without a doubt. There is no use trying to state otherwise, especially when people start to think that you're his Mom...or worse, his grandmother. If you're thinking long term relationship, then think about becoming a vampire too. Just remember it truly bites if you break up later, because you're still a vampire. But hey, you'll look fabulous at your twenty year high school reunion.
8. Blood stains are hard to get out of clothing. Buy him plenty of stain sticks and calmly realize that he may spend more money on clothing than you do.
9. If he's a special, gifted vampire he might have unusual talents, like reading people's mind, leaping around forests, or turning into a bat and ridding the town of mosquitoes. As long as his talents also include doing dishes, making dinner, picking up his dirty socks and remembering your birthday, than give him a break if when you're kissing you find mosquitoes wings in his teeth.
10. And finally, remember that every once in a while, vampire hunters, mobs of bored townspeople with pitchforks and glowing torches, and other vampires that are just jerks, might want to kill your boyfriend. This is exciting in the movies, not so much fun in real life. Plus, when the house is destroyed you have to deal with insurance companies and they can be worse than the vampire hunters. So it might be a great idea to keep in shape and buy a vampire pit bull. Nasty creatures, just don't tell your insurance company, the rates are horrible. (Also, don't let your vampire pit bull puppy outside during the day to go potty. Otherwise you'll be cleaning up a pile of ash.)
So dating a werewolf or vampire can be exciting, exhausting and definitely living on the edge. But if that doesn't appeal to you, wait until you hear about the hazards of dating a zombie...
1. It's hard to hang out together. If he's a 'true-to-the-tale' vampire he can't be exposed to sunlight or your boyfriend will turn into a pile of dust. Talk about ditching out on you. At first, this avoidance of the daytime might not be such a big deal but after a while you might start missing long walks along the shore at sunrise or getting a tan.
If he just sparkles in the sunlight then the tougher vampires might tease him because I'm still not sure if fierce, blood sucking monsters are suppose to sparkle like someone went crazy with their Bedazzler.
(Personal opinion, I can't say for sure. They might just be jealous that they can't go in the sunlight too.)
2. He likes to nibble your neck when you're making out. Can you be sure that he's just lovin' or is he tasting?
3. If he's been in high school for over a hundred years there just might be an unresolved maturity issue. I haven't met many people who wanted to be in high school for four years, let along anyone that could stand it for over a hundred years. This problem might even be worse than the guy you dated who played video games all day in his parent's basement...at the age of thirty.
4. You take him over to your parents for dinner and they serve him garlic spaghetti. His hissing, baring fangs and possibly dying is not going to go well. Especially if your family is Italian, then Grandma is going to be insulted forever over the boy who didn't like her spaghetti. What a mess. This is so much worse than when you brought your vegan boyfriend to dinner and he refused to eat the steak.
5. He gets tired of you giving him tan on spray for Christmas presents because the death look just irritates you after a while. 'Really, I know you're like the undead and all, but really the rotting copse look is so yesterday.'
6. He sleeps in a coffin. Really? That's seems so 1950's black and white horror movie. He needs to upgrade to the comforts of modern daily living. Like a bed. With a mattress. Just because he's a monster doesn't mean he shouldn't sleep on something light and fluffy and advertised by little, delicious sheep.
7. He doesn't age and you do. This will cause relationship issues and insecurities without a doubt. There is no use trying to state otherwise, especially when people start to think that you're his Mom...or worse, his grandmother. If you're thinking long term relationship, then think about becoming a vampire too. Just remember it truly bites if you break up later, because you're still a vampire. But hey, you'll look fabulous at your twenty year high school reunion.
8. Blood stains are hard to get out of clothing. Buy him plenty of stain sticks and calmly realize that he may spend more money on clothing than you do.
9. If he's a special, gifted vampire he might have unusual talents, like reading people's mind, leaping around forests, or turning into a bat and ridding the town of mosquitoes. As long as his talents also include doing dishes, making dinner, picking up his dirty socks and remembering your birthday, than give him a break if when you're kissing you find mosquitoes wings in his teeth.
10. And finally, remember that every once in a while, vampire hunters, mobs of bored townspeople with pitchforks and glowing torches, and other vampires that are just jerks, might want to kill your boyfriend. This is exciting in the movies, not so much fun in real life. Plus, when the house is destroyed you have to deal with insurance companies and they can be worse than the vampire hunters. So it might be a great idea to keep in shape and buy a vampire pit bull. Nasty creatures, just don't tell your insurance company, the rates are horrible. (Also, don't let your vampire pit bull puppy outside during the day to go potty. Otherwise you'll be cleaning up a pile of ash.)
So dating a werewolf or vampire can be exciting, exhausting and definitely living on the edge. But if that doesn't appeal to you, wait until you hear about the hazards of dating a zombie...
Sunday, July 3, 2011
10 Reasons Why Dating a Werewolf May Not Work for You
In the movies, (i.e. Twilight) and on the television shows (i.e.Wizard of Waverly Place) the cool thing to do is to date a werewolf or a vampire. Apparently, dating a monster is hip, it's totally awesome and gives you a lot to Twitter or Facebook about. As if it wasn't hard enough for a teenage boy to get a date, now he loses points for being human.
But although dating a hot werewolf, (we'll talk about vampires next time) may make you weak in the knees, prone to drooling every time he takes off his shirt, or warm under the collar, I think there might be a few relationship problems the experts haven't publicly discussed yet.
1. He smells like wet dog. Seriously, this is not a turn on. If he starts sweating and proceeds to smell like a drenched mutt, I'm going to go get some fresh air. And forget about snuggling in his jacket. Gross.
2. He sheds. Do I look like I want to vacuum after the boyfriend every time we make out on the couch? If we're going to date, then he needs to come with his own vacuum and the ability to use it.
3. He drinks from the toilet. Do I have to say anything more?
4. When you take him over to meet your parents, he sniffs them in places that makes a social meeting vastly uncomfortable. Also, fighting for the bone with the family dog is not earning him points with your Father.
5. Every time you use the electric can opener he comes running, drooling and begging for some food.
6. His favorite spot to be petted is behind the ears or on his belly. In fact, when you ask him if he wants a massage, he flops on the floor, belly up, waiting for his belly rub.
7. When you ask him what he wants to do for the evening, he always wants to go for a walk...in the park...and play Frisbee. Which wouldn't be so bad if he didn't stop to sniff every tree, growl at every dog, and catch the Frisbee with his mouth.
8. The neighborhood cats go missing but he doesn't know anything about it.
9. When you go for rides in the car, you have to drive. He's too busy sticking his head out the window and letting the wind blow on him.
10. He will do anything for a Scooby snack.
Werewolves might be strong, hot and able to defend you from angry vampires. And it might even be possible to put up with the above problems, but I think it would take a special sort of woman to stay with a guy that is constantly chewing up her shoes.
But although dating a hot werewolf, (we'll talk about vampires next time) may make you weak in the knees, prone to drooling every time he takes off his shirt, or warm under the collar, I think there might be a few relationship problems the experts haven't publicly discussed yet.
1. He smells like wet dog. Seriously, this is not a turn on. If he starts sweating and proceeds to smell like a drenched mutt, I'm going to go get some fresh air. And forget about snuggling in his jacket. Gross.
2. He sheds. Do I look like I want to vacuum after the boyfriend every time we make out on the couch? If we're going to date, then he needs to come with his own vacuum and the ability to use it.
3. He drinks from the toilet. Do I have to say anything more?
4. When you take him over to meet your parents, he sniffs them in places that makes a social meeting vastly uncomfortable. Also, fighting for the bone with the family dog is not earning him points with your Father.
5. Every time you use the electric can opener he comes running, drooling and begging for some food.
6. His favorite spot to be petted is behind the ears or on his belly. In fact, when you ask him if he wants a massage, he flops on the floor, belly up, waiting for his belly rub.
7. When you ask him what he wants to do for the evening, he always wants to go for a walk...in the park...and play Frisbee. Which wouldn't be so bad if he didn't stop to sniff every tree, growl at every dog, and catch the Frisbee with his mouth.
8. The neighborhood cats go missing but he doesn't know anything about it.
9. When you go for rides in the car, you have to drive. He's too busy sticking his head out the window and letting the wind blow on him.
10. He will do anything for a Scooby snack.
Werewolves might be strong, hot and able to defend you from angry vampires. And it might even be possible to put up with the above problems, but I think it would take a special sort of woman to stay with a guy that is constantly chewing up her shoes.
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