Week 2 -4 Without Sugar
Day 14 without sugar and I was hoping to be super skinny with fabulous skin by now. Hey, what's a blog if not a place for absolute honesty? And I know the current line of thinking is to love ourselves in our own skin no matter what, but steroids have given me a moonface, acne, puffy eyes and hair that goes between thinning and greasy- the person staring back at me in the mirror is not me. And the depressed person living inside this bloated version of me is not me either. So love is a little short around here at the moment.
I'm trying desperately to hide the way I feel about myself too, because I have a teenager and a preteen in the house- listening to every word I direct at myself. And their comments about body image are a mirror reflection of my comments- good or bad.
Society, and media may play a big part in our children's idea of body image- but I'm afraid that Mom's view plays a even bigger part in her daughter's ideas of self.
So right now I feel like Crohn's has scored a few points and I'm at the end of the field, stuck in the mud, with a head trauma and no points to show for the pain. And the doctors have started to call, - twice now- bugging me about taking the Humira.
I know they're just worried about my health. They don't make money off this, right?
I still haven't figured out insurance. So even if I wanted to risk my health and take the Humira- I lack the financial resources to pay for it. The doctors will have to have a bit of patience for their difficult patient.
I am definitely in an Eeyore sort of mood.
Day 21 without sugar- or mostly without sugar. It's so easy to cheat. Just one latte. Just one little cookie. But now I feel blah when I drink that much sugar or eat that much sugar. And pasta and bread has lost all appeal. There is no Italian in my veins because I don't even miss the pasta at this point. I've consumed one sandwich with bread in the last three weeks. I'm starting to love Paleo 'sandwiches'- which are made with huge leaves of greenery. I know, it's just salad in more salad, but it's fricking good and crunchy and my stomach loves it.
Day 28 without sugar. I was super depressed today and made a big bowl of comfort food- spaghetti with pizza sauce. A childhood favorite. There is something warm and comforting about slurping the long, tomato coated noodles, soaked in butter and sprinkled with black pepper.
And nothing...
No emotional comfort...
No release of dopamine in the brain.
Just a heavy gut and a feeling of disappointment.
I have noticed immense improvement in my Crohn's, but I still have two areas in my gut that pain me- so I know they're still swollen slightly and that scares me. If I keep fine tuning the paleo, add the bone broth, which is suppose to be a liquid form of much needed minerals and nutrients for the human body- and if I finally figure out how to make a regular schedule of exercise work - than perhaps it will be enough.
And perhaps it won't and that uncertainty is hard to deal with.
So something that I thought would be relatively easy- giving up sugar- has became a inner look into my weaknesses- like a walkabout, but without the cool, travel across Australia story to go with it. Hence, this flare up of my Crohn's has sent me on a spiritual journey of some sort and I am kicking and fighting it the whole way. While I struggle to find meaning and reason behind pain and suffering and poor health- both in my own life and the people I know around me suffering from worse things like cancer- I know that Crohn's is a formidable foe...
but I can be my worse enemy. Because there is no critic with a louder voice than the one in my own head. And she's not always nice.
I think I'm going to ground her- to her room until she realizes that failure is more perfectly normal than trying to be perfect.
