Where Did the Queen Go? Subbing in the 2nd Grade

      Unless you already know the teacher, the uncertainty of subbing starts when you accept the job. Through the digital platform my school district uses, besides the day and time, I get to see the teacher's name, their subject and grade level, and their building. The rest is a mystery. It's similar to scheduling an interview for an article - you might have Googled them, but so much is a mystery until you're sitting across from them.
         On the sub software, the teachers have an option to add files or notes, but I have found most of them don't fill that field out. Occasionally, I will run into one that says, I have morning duty, please be here on time.
      I thought a sub had to arrive on time, and I think most of them do. Okay, perhaps that isn't correct. Half? I was late one day - the first time since I started this gig. Ten minutes late and I was about ready to trip over myself with my readied apologies that I had composed in my head all the way over to the school.
    "Sorry I'm late. My six-year old decided to be sick today. Today. I don't work everyday, why couldn't she had picked a day when I'm home doing college? So anyway, I really sorry that I'm arriving seven minutes before the bell rings," I composed in my head as I missed my turn to the school and had to go around the block. Twice.
      Can I get lost in my neighborhood? Perhaps.
      I hurry into the office and the secretary hands me the paper to sign in and only half the subs have signed in so far. A pattern I have started to notice at other jobs. I pause over my apology.
       And then the secretary says something about being a sub herself and I swallowed my readied apology. She doesn't seem concerned, probably because she is involved in the mystery that consists of subbing at the office. At this point, I'm not going to worry about being ten minutes late. She tries to explain where my classroom is and by that point - remember when I mention how often I can get myself turned around - well, it includes walking around these different school buildings too and I'm completely lost. But this could also be because by this time she has pointed down three different hallways trying to remember which way the second grade wing is. Finally, she stops trying to explain where the room is and grabs a passing teacher to take me towards the right area. The kindly teacher offers to take me to my classroom and uses a shortcut through the literacy rooms and the library. I don't even know which main hallway to use. It was a nice gesture, but unless you want me taking my entire second grade class through the literacy room, then please, please show me the main hallway next time. 
      I have only a few minutes to turn on lights, read the sub notes, figure out what programs I will need to have up on the computer and the Promethean board. A neighboring second grade teacher pops in and says if I need anything, then she is right down the hall. And I could tell she actually means this! Relief floods my voice when I tell her thank you. I have quickly found in the last three months that not all the teachers want to help the sub, and in fact I was in one school last week where I made a minor mistake with grabbing my students from recess and our classes sort of tangled in the hallway. No one was hurt, injured or otherwise maimed, but I had destroyed - albeit for thirty seconds - the routine of the hallway. The horror of it. After that she made it her mission to glare at me and ignore anything I said to her. Seriously, ignored everything I said to her. I even apologized, and nothing except a dark glare.
     The second graders pore in and say hi and then tell me everything I'm doing wrong with the sign- in system for hot lunch. I quickly get it fixed and we move onto morning meeting. Which has turned into one of my favorite parts - because I get a chance to chat with them before we move onto assignments.
     Between writing assignments, preventing the class clown from taking over, (although to be fair, he was funny) and messing up on explaining the math lesson, we managed to work amiably towards the end of the day. I had two students stay in for recess and lunch because she was recovering from a tonsil removal and couldn't be outside. Again, back to the mystery of the subbing. I didn't know I would be having lunch with students that day.
    And then we got to the guest speaker, our last assignment of the day. I thought, whew, Miss B is coming in and leading the class and I can take a breath. And that's when Miss B showed up, not a teacher like I assumed, but a eighteen year old senior in high school state beauty pageant winner. 
    She came in wearing a stylish sweater, her hair swept back into wavy locks, thin high heels on her feet that clicked against the classroom floor, a small, but shiny tiara on top of her head, and a sash across her chest with Miss HomeTown State. This was our guest speaker, doing a Veteran's Day project with a classroom full of second graders. Mmm, I was going to have to make sure they listened to a teenager. Oh, boy.
    And then I realized that all the second graders were staring at her, their eyes wide and they were listening to every soft spoken and perfectly articulated word she said. And when she said it was time to grab the construction paper and create cards for veterans - they eagerly got to work. She circled the room, visiting with each student. I was helping a student with his card when he gives me a panicked look. "Where did the queen go? Where did she go? I wanted to see her again."
    The queen?  Oh, my. Tiara. Sash.
    "Miss B? She's over there, helping your classmate."
    "Oh, good. I thought she left."
    His classmate across the desk looks at us. "She's a princess. I'm so glad she's here. We got to see a princess today."
   I look at Miss Hometown State and tried to see what the classroom of second graders are seeing and I can see it, with her poise and her grace and the way she softly and royally makes her way around the classroom. All those hours I know she has spent learning how to glide have paid off. I didn't know you could even glide in high heels?
   But I think it might really be the tiara too. It's shiny and pretty and Disneyish.

   Mmm, perhaps stickers aren't the key to subbing - wearing a tiara and sash is. And then I remember how I don't glide in high heels, my words are not always articulate, and I don't own a tiara.
    I decide to buy more stickers. They're cheaper than a tiara anyways.
   
    

Adventures in Subbing

    I was standing in the middle of a different kindergarten room, determined to succeed this time. Which meant this time I wasn't going to allow a huge tub of crayons to be dumped on the floor, ran over by chairs, and then caught by the para pro as if I didn't know what I'm doing. (Uhh, not really...but no one needs to know that.)

    It was only a half day and I managed to catch the teacher before she left, which I have found to be extremely helpful. I get to ask questions, like what are the bathroom rules for your class. Some teachers remember to write down this important rule and others forget. Which can be a disaster, because what I have discovered is that the kids will tell you that they are free to skip off to the bathroom, together in large groups, gathering friends from other rooms on the way, and they can stay there all day.

   So far I have found this rule to be incorrect and one of the first things I do when I arrive at a classroom is to find the bathroom passes. If a teacher has bathroom passes hanging by the door - it's usually a good indication that there are some bathroom rules.

   The Kinder teacher is friendly and equally relieved to be talking to me as I was to have the chance to chat with her. Another thing I have discovered is that most teachers prefer to make a little contact with the sub before they hand over their group of students.
   She runs me through rules, technology, and behavioral issues. And then she stops and looks at me.
  "We've had a lot of lice in this class. I don't know just how many probably have lice right now. I got lice twice last year and I only started to wear my hair down again. I hope you didn't spend a long time doing your hair today?"
   My hand goes to my long locks, which secretly I had been thinking were looking especially wavy and pretty today. I was actually having an excellent hair day - something of a rarity for me. But the moment she mentioned lice, I pulled the hair clip from my hair and swept it all up and out of the way. I did not need to take lice home from work. I already had to worry about Baby Blueberry bringing the little pests home from her own Kindergarten class.

   The students arrive back from lunch, eyeing me with curiosity and hesitancy.  It is at least more welcoming than the fifth grade class I had recently subbed in - they made a big production of being upset over having a sub and their behavior that day had reflected that attitude.

   We run through the material and everyone is participating except for three little boys - but I'm considering this a win. The class is growing restless though, writing is still a difficult skill at this age and they have been working hard. But we have another math sheet to get through.

  I dig in my bright blue backpack that I've started carrying with me. It's my sub pack and it has grown in size with every new class I have subbed in. Because I have found that I need my own supply of first aid items, colored pencils and other teaching necessaries to do a proper job.

    I pull out doggie and kitty stickers I had added just for the younger classes. They are photos of the cutest, fluffiest, and adorable pets that someone could find. I don't think you can find cuter kitties any where in the world and they are my secret weapon.
   "All right guys, I know you've been working so hard. You are doing great on your work, but we have one more sheet to work through before your special class. (language with another teacher) See these stickers - everyone gets one if you finish your work."
    The ooo's and ahh's fill the room. Who doesn't want the cutest doggie or kitty sticker ever made? I hand out their math sheet and they eagerly go to work. And I happily hand everyone a sticker that afternoon.

   We end the day with a coloring sheet and no crayons on the ground.

     And I bring home no lice.

  

   

Subbing in Kindergarten

    I'm standing in the middle of chaos - wondering what the hell I'm doing here. Interviewing physicists and clergy is much easier than what I've just signed up for. Heck, even interviewing chefs is easier than this and they oftentimes possess inflated egos. All I can say about that - is the Food Network has created small hometown chefs who think they are celebrity chefs just because they can grilled a steak properly. To be fair - I can't really grill a steak properly- so I will give them props for that.

    But media jobs are hard to find and I was in need of some income - so I signed up to be a substitute teacher. After all, I homeschooled the girls during their middle school years and we work on assignments during the summers. I also have a background in education, although not formal classroom experience - so why not?

    After a background check and two and half hours of training I'm ready to lead the classroom. Or so the sub coordinator tells me.

    Um, no. I thought I was ready to lead the classroom and then I decided to sub for a kindergarten classroom for my first time.
    It was like 24 Baby Blueberries at the same time. I wasn't a temporary kindergarten teacher - I was a manager of chaos. A director of potty breaks, Band-Aids, and oh, please don't eat the math cubes.

    To be fair the day had no chance not to be a little on the chaotic side- the teacher had gotten ill and went home half way through the day. So the little guys went to lunch and when they came back- there I was to take over - after they had only attended two weeks of school. They don't even have their routine down and their teacher has gone missing.

      It started out calm and managed though. Our first assignment was watching a Leapfrog video on the alphabet. But I couldn't find the video. So we searched the Youtube for it. I found it, but not the entire song.
    "That's not the right one," one little boy told me.
    "I don't know which one it is, guys."
    "It's that one," another student insisted.
    "No, it's not. It's that one."
    "I see Pete the Cat on there- can we watch that?"
    "No," I said, finally finding the correct Leapfrog video.
     All the kids joyfully sang with the song and tried to make their letter sounds. Okay, this sub thing is going to go okay, I think to myself.
     Then we have to work on our All About Me books. Do you know how hard it is to pass out books when you don't know anyone's name and half the class isn't listening for their name? And some of the kids can't even pronounce their names well enough for you to understand them?
    Finally, all the books are passed out and I'm reading a book to them while they color.
    Then total and complete chaos erupts. The noise level has slowly and steadily grown higher and then I turn around to see that two of the little girls have dumped a tub of crayons on the floor and the two boys sitting at their table are running over the crayons with their chairs. OMG
   
    And that's when the parapro walks in to pick up a student.

    I haven't been that embarrassed for a long time - not since I asked a chef how to make peasant soup instead of pheasant soup. (He was wondering if I was seriously asking about cannibal recipes.)

     She instantly goes to the front of the room and threatens to take away recess if they don't quiet down and start listening to the sub.
     A startled hushness falls over the previously noisy kindergartners. Lose recess? The horror.

    And for the rest of the day - when ever the noise level started creeping up- all I had to do was remind them that they wanted to go out for recess, right? Instant quiet.
   And I also kept the two little trouble makers separated for the rest of the day. That helped a lot.

   At the end of the day the counselor came in to do a activity with the children- they kept her on her toes too. She had a photo of her dogs and do you know how much five years old want to talk about all their pets - dead and alive? I'm now aware that there are quite a few cats and hamsters buried in people's backyards throughout town.
       After the children leave she comes up to me and says, do you know how many people won't sub in kindergarten because of how busy they are? Quite a few.
      I nod, still trying to catch my breath. But surprisingly, I found myself thinking I would come back - but with stickers. Definitely stickers and maybe Goldfish crackers.

    
    

Answer to the Meaning of Life is Unavailable- please try placing your order again next week

    
   When Bean's English teacher tells her he considers me and Hero Hottie endearing- what I'm supposed to think? Is it because she wrote a letter to him last year about how we're just failed artists - who wanted to be scientists - who just ended up being overly tired and too broke working-class stiffs? Or is because she said we try and try and everything we do ends up failing?

    Is endearing another word for pitied?

    Or is it a sign of solidarity- from an English teacher to a writer - we who must have words in the way the lungs need oxygen? Does he recognize a shared love for words, for expression, for mastering the skill of trying? 

     I would like to think it's because we asked him about his pothos houseplant that he keeps at school. Actually the conversation started with Hero Hottie asking about the huge windows in his classroom. Because Hero Hottie is not going to ask you about the weather, or other topics that are generally considered 'small talk' - he asks big questions, curious questions, sometimes uncomfortable questions.

     And most of the time - people answer him. Because no one actually wants to talk about the weather all the time - we want to connect and be neighbors and be part of a community.

    We want to say things like, "I'm sorry your spouse died, even though I only know you from the times you would buy Girl Scouts cookies from Abu." Or "do you ever get lonely because you live by yourself ever since your fiance died and you never found love again?"

     So Hero Hottie asks the English teacher about his huge windows and this lead to the health and happiness of his pothos plant - which didn't do so good over the summer because it was moved to a location that was too sunny. The conversation continues from there and somehow we become endearing during this time. 

    Perhaps I should just assume he meant it caused him feelings of admiration or fondness. I can handle those reasons.

     Or perhaps he just liked the fact that we took the time to treat the teacher like a regular human being and asked him about his windows, and his classroom, and his plant.

    Either way - whenever Bean gets annoyed at me - because she's seventeen which means she's constantly annoyed at me - I will remind her that I'm actually endearing.

Voodoo curses aren't funny

 Earlier this spring, when I was in the muck of it all - I was overwhelmed with the school work surrounding my computer. My life was piles of books, paper, and mess cover my dining room most of the time. It was a series of late nights, waiting until nearly midnight to turn in hastily finished assignments- the magical due date of online school - and hoping my Internet didn't freeze up right at that moment.

Luckily, my college is online and I send in digital files of my homework - because the paper copies that I work from are sometimes covered in splashes of spaghetti sauce, grease from various kids' snacks, and Baby Blueberry's scribbles. Although her supply and demand curves are the cutest drawings ever. (Ever learn microeconomics with a preschooler on your lap - it's an interesting process.) 

I am nearly two years into my return of completing my degree and I've realized that my sense of direction or lack of - hasn't changed in the nearly twenty years since I started the college process. I was going to study accounting, because accountants make enough money to live off of - and then I took an accounting class. Confession- I took two because I figured it would be a really handy skill to have. Which it has been - I now know for certain after looking at my bank statements with the critical eye of a business major that I'm definitely broke and my net worth is less than when I started school and applying for student loans.

Perhaps European students with their nearly free or at least affordable college education have a good thing going. Don't get me wrong- I was a business major, coming from a long line of failed and closed businesses - but also an equally long-line of never give up entrepreneurs - so I have a healthy respect for capitalism. I also came from Oregon - so I believe higher education shouldn't shackle a ball and chain around your ankle for the rest of your working life.

But back to accounting...

When my head stopped exploding and I stopped crying in the bathroom between each new lesson - I realized I could learn accounting and even pass the class with a decent grade. I also spent most of fall and spring semesters memorizing my accounting textbook just so I could pass the tests. (Just to be fair I passed with high grades, but again this is because I memorized the damn book.)

I switched majors because business would take another two years to complete and I wanted to figure out a plan to finish next year, since balancing school and kids was difficult.

And then my financial situation came crashing down around me and damn it - if I don't go back to work by October than I will not be able to pay my mortgage. School? Mortgage? Running away to a tropical island and living on a beach?

We take a small break from this blog to offer some advice:

1. Finish school before kids and a mortgage payment - it's just easier. I've done school both ways and I miss the days of go to class, meet friends in the library, eat some Ramen noodles, and study or take a nap - it was easy either way.
Going back to school with a mortgage payment and kids - not so much fun. It means your brain is so full of your schoolwork that you forget all kinds of other things - like paying the dentist bill, or picking up groceries. And for some reason the- meaning the kids-  don't want to eat Ramen noodles - they actually expect things like mac and cheese and spaghetti. Meals that take longer to cook! Damn kids for wanting food, and groceries, and bedtime stories.

2. Take your algebra class before business classes - especially accounting. It's amazing how much math you use in an accounting class. Go figure.

Back to the Blog: 

So here I am, changing my school plans - slowing down my school plans - and trying to figure out a job with only part of a degree and no recent job experience. In our economy- this should go really well. I read hiring ads all the time that say, "Looking for hard working employees that only have 3/4ths of a degree, no internships, no field experiences, and have wiped more runny noses in the last ten years than typed a business memo. Also must know how to vblog, obtain millions of followers on a hundred different social media apps and have the secrets to the last episodes of Games of Thrones before they air."

Add in my failed Ebay business I tried to do last Fall - I'm looking at making lattes instead of drinking them.

I'm going to blame all this on a chance encounter in Denver last spring- because I think I was cursed with a voodoo curse. Or it could have been my overactive imagination, since I couldn't hear the exact words being used at me. But then this happens...so I'm just saying- avoid voodoo curses.

Or don't accidentally piss off someone in traffic that can voodoo curse you- apparently it's bad.