I've Survived 5th Grade...Is there a manual for Middle School?

  

 

       Last week Bean sat in one of those folding chairs made out of metal, the kind that are always cold when you sit down...with the entire fifth grade and had a small graduation ceremony. The red caps were cute, made from paper and full of candy. The 'diplomas' were rolls of Mentos, tied with ribbon.
      I'm not sure why they were rewarded with candy for completing their Elementary years but I suppose it makes sense; since it seems like completing anything in school nowadays is rewarded with candy. I wish I got candy every time I finished the dishes or the laundry.
     But candy aside, the ceremony was sweet. They had a slide show with photos of the entire year played to some sappy song that of course made me cry. (But then again, I am pregnant and allowed to cry at anything without question. It has nothing to do with my oldest growing up.)
     And all the kids had dressed up for their graduation. They looked stunning but no longer little kids anymore. A lot of the boys had suits and ties on, glimpses of the young men they would soon be turning into. And the girls wore dresses not of ruffles and prints and durable kid material but of soft, flowing fabric and laces and solid colors. Some had high heels and most had just a touch of make up on. Some had obviously spent an hour on their hair and they all looked way too grown up for us parents. Where had our babies gone? Wasn't it just yesterday that we walked them into school for their very first day of Kindergarten, either wearing a t-shirt with a cartoon character on it or a dress with a pound of ruffles on it? With backpacks on their tiny backs that were bigger than they were? With nervous smiles and excited faces and just a bit of fear as they entered the world of the big kid?

     And now they stand almost eye to eye with us, full of spunk and knowing it all already. They rarely play with toys and they giggle about the opposite sex. They have opinions about everything, 
even things they don't have any experience with.  They have hormones and are talking about or experiencing puberty.
      They're glad you came to the ceremony but rather giggle and laugh and have photos taken with their friends. But don't go too far away because underneath that grown up kid is still that little boy or girl that had to be held every time they skinned their knee or they saw a shadow in their room.
     Their expressions say, "Let me fly but be close by because I don't really want to go too far on my own. Not yet."
     But that's how it starts. Little bits of independence. Here and there. As parents that's what we want them to grow up into. Adults that are capable and kind and not afraid of the world.
     It's difficult though. Sometimes we want to hold them back...just a bit. Whisper to them that they can be little a bit longer. They don't have to grow so quickly.
     But they do grow quickly, some days waking up and in one night their pants are an entire inch shorter than just the day before.
    One moment they think boys have cooties and girls talk too much. And the next moment...well, hormones have kicked in.

     I'm so proud of Bean. We had a rough year and for a while it didn't look like we would arrive at this point with her class. The Mean Girl never did stop being mean to everyone. She still got in trouble after the principal had spoken to her about her treatment of Bean. But the attitude of the other girls changed. No longer would they listen to, or give the Mean Girl the attention she kept trying to steal from every one around her.
    We can't change the people around us but we change ourselves and how we deal with things. Which sometimes means standing up for the right thing. Demanding change of a bad situation.
      And I think that is what Bean learned most of all from being bullied. She couldn't change the Mean Girl.  Because the Mean Girl never did learn or grow or change her behavior. Her behavior was more subdued because she knew if she was caught than there would be trouble but she never had some life altering epiphany like they do in the movies. Maybe someday.
    But Bean didn't care anymore. None of the girls did. What the Mean Girl had to say didn't carry any weight anymore.
    And I'm so proud of Bean for standing up to this girl, for demanding a change in the situation, to cast a light on what was going on...because she helped the other girls realize what was going on and they could also put an end to how it was affecting them.

    So in the last few months of school Bean had friends. Lots of friends. A social group. And we finished fifth grade on a happy note. Her goal at the beginning of the year was to have more friends, to push herself socially, to introduce herself and put herself out there and risk being hurt by way of rejection. A fear she has always had, which made it difficult for her to make more than a best friend through her other years of elementary school.
     Not only did she succeed, she pushed past some of the worse hurt and came out ahead. Stronger. More self assured.
    She could just have easily shut down and never tried to make friends again.
     I just have to say good job, kid. Good job.

    So I hug Bean after the ceremony and try not to cry until I get home. We survived fifth grade. She survived fifth grade...
    now I just have to start worrying about Middle School.
    Oh, boy.
    Are should I say BOYS!!!?

Spying on my Kids

    When I was a teenager I vowed to only spy on my kids if I felt there was a reason to. Well, I have a slight confession...Bean left her Doodle Journal- My Life in Scribbles; out on the kitchen table and so when she left for school...I stole a peek or two.
    Hey, the only thing I have to say in my defense is that she's in fifth grade and very moody with developing hormones. She also left the book out.
    I felt a bit guilty for peeking at it but it did offer me a glance inside her world right now and since that occurs less and less as she grows older I'm glad I did.

   First of all and very unfortunately fifth grade hasn't changed since I was in school. One of the pages is titled, The Amazing Erase. It's a page where you can doodle things in life you wish you could erase. 
    Bean would erase; mean teachers, homework, the mean girl at school, stupid songs and stupid words that other people use to hurt you. Sounds like my list from fifth grade. :)
    Now days, if I had a page like that I would erase; bills, bad hair days, shirts you thought looked good on you until someone posts a picture of you in it; and fights with Hero Hottie.
    I wish I could fix Bean's page and make those mean people go away but the most I can do is help her realize that some people are just like that and we can't let them bring us down. That's a hard lesson to learn. And she had to learn that this year with her dealings with the Mean Girl. Stupid words hurt and sometimes for a long time. Luckily, the Principal's continued participation in this situation means that the Mean Girl has left her alone. Unfortunately, she hasn't left the other girls alone but she's quickly finding that more and more parents have banned her from their daughter's lives. Yet, she doesn't learn.

  Her other page was quite revealing in the fact that it dealt with our relationship. That's the hazards of reading some one else's diary, they might be writing about you and it might not all be great. One time we had a neighbor that had a hearing device of some sort so she could hear what her children said from across the cul-de-sac. Her son and my brother were friends and only about nine or ten years old and apparently doing what a lot of kids do....they were complaining about their parents. OMG. How shocking.
   She promptly stalked over to our house, pounding on the door and in a huff started complaining about what they had been saying. My Mom shrugged it off. The words weren't rude and vulgar, just normal kid complaining. The woman was highly upset that my Mom didn't share the same sense of outrage as she did. I think my Mom felt like if you spy on your kids than be prepare to hear things you might not want to. Aren't there sayings against listening at doors?

   Anyway, the Doodle book wanted a doodle of your average day, your ideal day, and your most horrible day. The average day was our usual routine, nothing new there. The ideal day had extra recesses, and awesome meals and cool things happening. Hey, I would take a day like that any day.
The horrible day involved me...a few times. Her worse days start off with us arguing, and end with us arguing.
   I felt sad. I know I feel equally upset by the mornings where I drop her off at school after we've been fighting. It's like the saying, "Don't let the sun set on your anger." Well, don't drop your kid off with anger either. It's not a great way to start the day because you know what Bean is thinking about all morning is not her schoolwork, or her friends or what she needs to accomplish. She's rehashing our argument and feeling awful.
   Yet, sometimes it's difficult not to have a rough start to the day. If Bean is fighting getting ready for school, or complaining...again...about what is in her lunch...or being snippy because I didn't get her favorite shirt washed and I should have known she needed it today without her having to tell me...well, then we might have an argument of some sort.
  Our worse arguments have been over homework. Like the sort of homework she doesn't remember she has until we're walking out the door to go to school. And then she doesn't understand why I won't let her finish it before I take her to school. Umm, because we'll be late? And homework needs to be done the night before, especially when I ask if you have any and you say no?
  
   Fortunately, most mornings run with organized chaos and without a bunch of hurt feelings. But if I learned anything from spying on my kid, is that even though she's still being a moody preteen and acts like she's just a bundle of frowns, scowls, and difficult moments...she is still hurting from the other side of the argument. (Even if she's wrong, since most preteens are. ;)
   It's a reminder that just like when she was a baby, I need to pick my arguments and let the others blow off. And really, I'm starting to realize that a preteen just likes to argues. It works better to calmly go about my business and let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Like don't complain too much about lunch; you might find the same, boring old sandwich in there every day instead. (She hasn't figured this one out yet. I'm just waiting.)
  But I also learned from snooping that even though some times she acts like I'm the meanest Mom ever;  she actually cares. So it's a great reminder that communication is still the key, just like any other relationship. I just have to use more patience than even the times she was a terrible two. --Ha! The terrible twos?? Try the terrible tens.---

  In the meantime, I don't want to invade too much of her privacy so I won't be sneaking in her room to read her diary any time soon but just wait until she's on Facebook---I'll be her first friend. :)

Bullying Revisited

    Less than a month ago I wrote about Bean and her horrible problem with the Mean Girl. (Blog Link)
    I was at a complete loss of what to do. We weren't getting anywhere with the school and my oldest child absolutely refused to go back to her class.
    I was ready to pull her out and finish the year at home. But Hero Hottie and I weren't sure if that was the best opinion for her...if the situation could be fixed. She had been attending this school since Kindergarten and we wanted to see her graduate with her classmates. Of course, at the point, she knew there was no way she could continue going to this school if something drastic wasn't done. Even if it meant not completing her elementary career at the school she had started at.
     And yes, since I was home schooled, I was completely open to the idea of home schooling. In fact, during the summer we do a mini version of it every day to keep the girls up to speed on their schoolwork and fill in any gaps.
    But we didn't want to make the decision to home school just because of some bully. I told Bean she couldn't be like Simba in the Lion King and hide.
    "Mom, haven't you heard? Bugs are slimy but satisfying."
    "Hakuna Matata?" I asked and she smiles. But it's still a shadow of her usual self. My heart breaks for her.

    I told her to let me try one more attempt at fixing the situation. If that didn't work, then we would let her stay home because I wasn't going to let my daughter stay in a toxic environment. She's about to go into those turbulent middle school years where self doubt is already a huge factor in everything...I didn't need her entering those years already hating herself and believing everyone else hated her too.

   So I wrote an email to the principal. I figured explaining every thing in black and white would either make it very clear on what kind of situation we were dealing with or I wouldn't get anywhere and then I would know what decision to make from there.
   I calmly told him that this was bullying situation and then stated the various situations that had occurred, when they had occurred, and what was actually said. I also called the city school office and asked them where I could find the policy on bullying on their website. They had to take my name and number and call me back with the information.
   What I didn't know is that they used that information to figure out who my kids were and what school we attend. The assistant superintendent then proceeded to call the principal and ask what the heck was going on. I did not give her permission to do this, so I'm not sure how I feel about this. Perhaps it helped to bring clarity to the situation but I think my email did most of that.

   I wrote in my email what actions Mean Girl had done that were clearly breaking the policy on bullying. And there were a lot. Things that weren't even considered minor infractions but very serious ones.
   And then I told him that even though I loved the school and that Abu would still be attending and I would still be Treasurer on the PTO, if the situation with Bean could not be fixed then I would be pulling her out.
   He called me right away and was quite upset. The email had really made things clear to him and he said the problem would be taken care of by the next day. I don't know why it took an email to clarify things but sometimes seeing something in the written word can be very powerful.
   Either way...by the next day he had dealt fully with the situation. He gave Mean Girl one chance to confess or else...
   She confessed to everything.
   He couldn't go into details of her punishment but did say it would follow the handbook policies, which are strict and harsh for such actions. Her Mom was also called and informed of Mean Girls' actions.
   Finally, Mean Girl was also told that should she even look at Bean the wrong way it was an automatic trip to the Principal's office. And that for the rest of the school year all infractions would be directly handled by the principal.
   He also talked to the other girls about how their behavior of listening to cruel rumors and lies and deciding to outcast Bean just because someone else told them to had deeply hurt Bean to the point where she didn't even want to be at school. They were shocked and remorseful that they had inflicted so much pain.
  
  When Bean returned to school the other girls welcomed her back with smiles and offers to play with them. They had learned something too and hopefully that carries over with them into middle school, when the Mean Girl problems can really start to surface. Perhaps next time they will think for themselves and decide not to outcast someone just because the popular girl told them to.

   In the meantime, Bean is smiling. Real smiles. Joyful smiles. And she's going to school. Her biggest concern is math and how much she hates it. I rather deal with that problem than a bully. The principal keeps a close eye on the whole bunch of them, even having lunch with them a few times so he can stay involved.

    Bean is back to dressing up again. Doing her hair and putting in new earrings every day. She had slowly stopped doing anything special to get ready for her day, like she was trying to make herself invisible. Now she wants to shine again.

   The Mean Girl leaves her alone. And she better. I would hope she learned something from all this...but I seriously doubt it. I know she's only fifth grade and some people would stay that means she can learn to be better. I don't believe that. I say she's only fifth grade and she already knows how to ruin someone's life. What will she be like as an adult?  But I do feel sad for her...she has to be a pretty miserable person on the inside to act the way she does.
    But it doesn't mean I give her permission to ever speak to my daughter again. Ever.

   I learned a lot from this. Write it down. Spell it out. Don't back down. And know it's okay to be a lioness when your cub is under attack.
   The motto Hakuna Matata works sometimes.
   Other times you need a different motto....Don't mess with the Momma!