Since the fifth grade is preparing for the next big leap in their lives...Middle School...they were asked to come up with a list of questions about what to expect.
Some of them were pretty common: what's for lunch, how much homework will I have and what if I get stuck inside my locker.
The lunch answer is simple. Sorry, kid. It's the same crappy food that is served in elementary school. I will just apologize now that our US government does not know the meaning of quality food...So canned, soggy peaches, pizza that smells so bad it makes you gag, and mystery meat surprise that is always a bit off in color are your options. Your best bet to survival in this jungle...pack your own lunch and just buy the fresh fruit that they actually sell separately. Oh, and also don't eat from the ice cream cooler everyday...right now you'll burn those calories...later those calories will be stuck on you.
How much homework is dependent on your teachers. Some of them believe too much homework interferes with family life and they're right. The math problem here though...(I know you weren't expecting a math equation in my blog) If six teachers on Monday decide to each assign just one page of homework: and they do this each day for the entire week; how many hours of homework do you have?
The answer: Too much. Get over it now and realize that you didn't need as much play time anyway; you're a big kid now.
If you get stuck in your locker then rest assure that unlike the movies where the hallways are suddenly empty and devoid of all life forms the second someone shoves you in the huge locker space; Middle School is a wild and bustling place. Someone will let you out shortly; as long as the kid in question that hears your cries for help actually fetches an adult. If they don't like you or they're going to be late for class, they may leave you. Rule of advice: Don't get stuck in your locker.
Hint: Most lockers, except in the movies, won't fit you anyway. They are full of all your textbooks, backpacks, make up, lunches, misc. stuff you have stuck in there and don't bother to take home and other such items.
Now those are your basic and common questions that most kids have. The uncommon questions are next.
One boy asked the following question. "What happens if I go into the boys' bathroom and suddenly I'm in the middle of a Middle School Fight Club and someone punches one? What do I do?"
Well, first Rule of Fight Club. Duck. If you're only a miserable sixth grader and they're an eighth grader then you want to avoid that punch.
Second Rule: You don't talk about Fight Club.
I know...I'm messing up the line but I'm not a guy. I'm going to duck first and avoid the punch. If that didn't work then I guess I would have to fight. But we are talking about the Boys' bathroom so I suppose the first rule of Fight Club would be...
Wait, seriously. How many movies have you been watching? Fight club in the Middle School boys' bathroom? Not going to happen. After school maybe if you're in the wrong neighborhood...But the three minutes you have to go to the bathroom is not long enough and teachers will notice if you're showing up to class with broken and bloodied noses. And if they don't...switch schools.
The worse you have to worry about in the Middle School boys' bathroom is unmentionables of all sort of bodily fluids on the walls and the floor. Being teased over the size of certain body parts and the smell of too many nearly teenage boys in one area.
The last question comes from Bean herself. "How do you tell which eighth grader can be bribed with pudding cups to offer you protection throughout the whole year?"
Mmm, that's a very good question. Sometimes it's hard to tell which tough and mean looking eighth grader is actually susceptible to pudding cups and is willing to protect you. Unfortunately, it's difficult to find this information out unless you know someone.
The best thing you can do is huddle together in tight groups of 6 or 7 sixth graders as you walk through the halls. Try to stay in the middle of this group as it's the safest area to be. The weak and sick on the outside of the group are easily picked off by an eighth grader who needs a snack.
Form alliances with fellow sixth graders but trust no one. A popular seventh grader can easily turn a previously trusted sixth grader against the entire pack. I've seen it happen.
Remember: Middle School is a jungle. It's wild and crazy and is totally different than elementary school.
But you'll do just fine. The rumors of Middle School are just that...rumors...
On second thought, perhaps we better start stocking up on pudding cups.
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