This pregnancy has given me a lot of time to bow in front of the toilet and fend off shouts from the other room while losing my entire lunch.
"Mom, are you okay?" Bean shouts as the sounds I make can't be human.
"Yeah, just fine. It's just hormones." I'm hoping this doesn't make them never want to be Mothers. I can see the thoughts rolling around in their heads. 'Why do I ever want to be pregnant? All you do is puke.'
Oh, no it's much worse than that. There's fatigue and gas. There's mood swings and sometimes strange rashes that appear out of no where. The doctor swears that a full body rash can be normal in pregnant women. Really? I look like one of the bratty kids off Charlie and the Chocolate Factory after consuming some weird candy and it's NORMAL?
To say nothing about how it affects time with your spouse.
"No, really Hero Hottie. I'm in the mood." I hide the yawn behind my hand. It's only eight o'clock in the evening but I really could just pass out.
He laughs. "Yeah, you look in the mood."
I would protest further but I'm already asleep.
Of course, that's better than the other times...
"Hey, are you in the mood?" He asks, clearly hoping for a yes.
I shake my head, fighting off dry heaves that make me sound like I'm trying to get rid of my stomach through my throat. "Sure, let me settle my stomach."
"Really? I'll try to ignore the fact that I'm now causing you to puke when I suggest we should go to the bedroom."
"No." I dry heave a few more times. "It's not you. Really." Running to the bathroom to puke doesn't help my case.
Poor Hero Hottie.
The other day I was flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch that wasn't the Disney or Nick Jr. channel.
I settled on Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern.
What was I was thinking? I like this show but really, I'm going to watch it while I'm pregnant and experiencing severe nausea.
I don't remember what country he was in. I'm sure he has to have pretty good insurance for his job. 'Yes, I'll eat raw meat that's been buried in the ground.' Seems to be his motto. I think he's crazy. But sometimes it's interesting so I watch.
But I won't be watching again until after I give birth.
This show was in some small town kitchen and something nasty was boiling in the enamel pot. Oh, stew. Maybe it's something normal.
And then Andrew Zimmern helps dish out the 'stew'. The short, happy cook helps him plate the delicacy.
They lay an entire, boiled sheep's head on a huge platter and surround it with veggies.
A head. A whole head. My stomach started protesting heavily. My head started spinning and suddenly everyone is shouting at me.
"Turn the channel. Don't watch. Why are you watching?" Hero Hottie asks.
I'm going to lose my lunch. Andrew Zimmern I curse you. Who shows a pregnant woman a boiled sheep's head?
Who eats one and enjoys it? That's just about the worse thing I can think of to eat. To cook. The smell in the kitchen as it cooks?
I turn the channel and spend the next half an hour trying to convince my stomach that it doesn't need to throw up, it didn't actually eat such nasty food.
In the meantime if he wants to make a show called, 'Bland Foods with Andrew Zimmern' this pregnant lady will be his biggest fan.
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