Monday Morning Blues

   So I'm sitting here, typing words on a screen, drinking coffee, and watching the soft breathing of Baby Blueberry as she snoozes on the couch next to me. Neither one of us feel all that great and I had to drag Bean and Abu to school, pretty much kicking and screaming.
   I have a hundred and one worries swirling around in my head, demanding escape but I don't know where to put them. I wish I could put them out with the trash. Sweep them under the rug. Or as my kids love to do with their toys, push them under the couch.
   I breathe. One breath, release. Two breaths, release again.
   Damn, that's not working.
 
   I would go jogging but Baby Blueberry isn't quite ready for the jogging stroller. And plus our chilly winter weather is too cold for her delicate baby skin. I'm nearly jumping out of my own skin for it to be spring again. Sometimes I wish I lived back in Oregon, where I could take the girls to the ocean and play in the sand. Where the temperature didn't drop into the minus and I didn't have to warm up the car for twenty minutes before I could drive it. Gardening is so much easier too. Dig the ground up, throw the seeds willy nilly and nature will take care of the rest.

  Gardening where I live now, has been a learning experience. Coaxing fearful seeds to grow and then watching the heat of the summer; scorch their leaves. Or a lack of moisture shrivel up your row of seedlings. Or hoards of grasshoppers to devour your harvest.
   Everything in Oregon is green. The ground, the tree canopy, the rocks, sometimes your walls since mold is a problem.
   Here I experience browns, and golds, greens in the spring, and blue. Brilliant blue for the sky, that hardly holds a overcast day.
   I enjoy the rain when it comes. Letting it wash over me, down my cheeks, through my fingers and if puddles should happen to form, and there isn't any lightening, than its time to let Bean and Abu jump until they're soaked.
 
   I went to church yesterday. Hero Hottie and I finally found one we feel comfortable attending. The sermon was basically about the masks we hide behind.
   "It's like having a messy house but not wanting people to see that. So we spend three hours cleaning before guests come over."
   Bean started snickering at me.
   Guilty.
   Because I know the way I want it to look...and I wish it appeared that way all the time. But life happens and before I know it I have dishes in the sink, loads of laundry that need folded and the living room needs dusted again. 
   It's usually happy chaos though. So I shouldn't give myself such a mental scolding when it's not perfect. When the mask isn't in place if someone drops by unexpectedly. Because I would rather entertain a friend anytime than only have them over when it's perfectly clean.

  I think my mood has to do with that sermon. Thank you Pastor. I wasn't planning on having to think, or change, or challenge myself by attending church. I was just trying to find my spiritual path.
  So what masks do I hide behind? Plenty. But I think the one that is eating at me, is my fear of failure. In school, as long as I was achieving straight A's, than I wasn't failing. Life was good.
   College was the same way.

   Then I hit real life. Full on, with no gold stars in sight. No extra recesses for good behavior.
   No report card to tally my success.
   No mask to hide behind.

   But here I am, ready to step out on the ledge and succeed at something that's for me. Not working for my Mom's business, not babysitting my nieces. Not helping Hero Hottie with his schooling, and art and such things.

   No, I need to take off my mask that hides my fear of failing and tell the world that this next thing I'm doing is for me. Is all me. There is no one and nothing to hide behind.
  
   This has been in the works for a year now. But I was too afraid to proclaim it until now. Even with all the little nudges that God has been giving me, trying to kick me in the butt and get me to overcome my fears, until the sermon yesterday I was still afraid.
  Heck, I'm still afraid. I don't want to fail. I don't want to do the wrong thing. So my doubts our still huge, even if no one can see them behind my mask.

  And my fear is caught in my throat.

  But I'm excited. I LOVE books. I LOVE words. And this is the perfect fit for me.
  I'm starting an indie e publishing company. Yay!!

   I will start with a romantic series set in the fictional town of Rocky View, Colorado. Because I love romance. Good romance. With a good story. And a little adventure.

  I will work on getting my fantasy book, Keraynn, up. Probably towards the end of the year or beginning of next year.
   But I'm also going to work on children's books. Bright, and colorful books about nature and gardening and all things outside. God's world.

  From there I'm not sure. I have to concentrate on the beginning of the story before I can worry about where to go next.
  But it's going to be a challenge, and it's going to be wonderful. And now that I've made it public, I can't hide behind my mask of self doubts and fear any more.

   So I'm putting all those negative thoughts in the trash...where they belong.
  

Faith

   And then God made dog, so that us silly humans, who can't learn on our own, would know the true meaning of being faithful. 
  
    I have tried to write this blog four times now and finally have found the words to write about one of my most favorite words.
  
   Faith.
 
     Faith is the power to believe even when given no proof. For some people this comes easy. Abu has faith. She feels it; in her heart and soul. For Bean she has to struggle with it. She wants it to come easily. But she has to fight it. She has questions and doubts and a very analytical mind.
   I don't think there is anything wrong with struggling with our faith. I struggle with mine. I wonder why horrible things happen. Why terrible, tragic things are allowed to happen. My faith comes with a lot of Whys?

    I spent this entire weekend wondering why. I don't understand. Because you can give me answers of why someone did what they did but I still don't understand why it was allowed to happened. But it is the same questions I have when I study history. Why are men like Genghis Khan, Hitler, Stalin, etc. allowed to slaughter? Why was the Black Plague allowed to wipe out millions? Why?

   Why are bad things allowed to happen? I don't have the answers.

  Where is divine intervention when we need it?
   

   I once had a dream where I was reading a page in some huge book. I'm not sure what book I was reading but the words were  "have strength and faith to carry forth." The words were so powerful to me I wrote them down and put them on my fridge. And when I struggle with my faith...when I'm not sure why things happen the way they happen...when I have doubts that the light is stronger than the dark...I read those words and allow them to comfort me.
   Have strength and faith...It is not because I'm strong that I have faith.

    It is because I have faith that I can have strength. To carry forth. Despite my doubts, despite my questions. Knowing that LOVE and GRACE and HOPE are so much bigger than darkness.

Because for all my struggles and questions and doubts...I do believe in something greater than me.
   Something more powerful than all the evil in the world.


   I don't have any answers for anyone. I can just share my experiences with life. But I do know that LOVE and PRAYERS and SPREADING KINDNESS are the ways to help heal hearts. Broken and torn and worn. The divine is all around us. But we have to do our part.
    So say a prayer for someone. Send someone a card to brighten their day. Avoid critical words and replace with words of encouragement and joy. And if silence is needed, just fill with a hug of support.
   And enjoy life. Be grateful for every minute you have with family and friends.

   As a friend of mine has been teaching me...you can't live in fear.
   You have to live in love.

These are a Few of my Favorite Words

     Some years back, when Abu was five, we were walking past one of those lotion and soap stores. The bottles of very aromatic (or stinky, depending on your nose) lotions were lined up on the shelves and a sample bottle of each one was within easy reach of small children. 

     The bottles were in a wide array of colors, and caught the attention of Bean and Abu. So we went inside. 

     And, of course, had to try the lotions. Bean being slightly older and of a slightly more cautious nature, only tried a couple of lotions but Abu, with the happy way she has of enjoying life, decided to try as many as possible on her legs.

      It was quite the smell.

      “Smell me, Mommy.” She offers, holding up her leg.

      I smelled it appreciatively and told her that her leg smelled nice.

     “I smell like a rainbow.” She says.

     “Why?” I ask.

     “Because I put all the different lotions on my leg. So I would smell like a rainbow.” She gestures towards the shelving of lotion bottles and all their different colors.  

    So now, when I see a rainbow, I imagine in my mind that they smell like vanilla and mango, that the green smells like something bright and fresh and red smells like flowers. And I associate it with how Abu loves life. How she wanted to smell like a rainbow. 

    With her joyful and innocent words she forever changed my perception about an object.

     Words are some of my favorite things. They are powerful. They can change lives, fix hearts, and help you find true love. 

      They are mightier than the sword; although if I was in an actual sword fight I think I would rather have an actual sword rather than a pen. Unless, of course, the pen was actually a laser weapon or something that would leap me through time and space with a click of the top. Than give me a pen. 

      

      You can't really say a word is either a good word or a bad word, unless you're Bean and trying the wrong word and you get yourself in big trouble. But words can be used for good...

      and they can be used for bad. 

      Many an evil man or woman has used 'good' words to fool people into believing hateful things. That is why we must study words, listen to words, and than decide if they should stay in our hearts. Because words do end up inside you. 

      

      I worry as a parent that not enough of the words I want them to hold dear; end up in their hearts. I worry that the words I say when I'm upset, or tired, or complaining about things might end up taking that precious space.

    So for the month of December I would like to blog about words. My favorite words, my words of faith, words that mean so much to me. I can't promise how many times I will blog as Baby Blueberry has kept me extremely busy.
     I forgot how Baby Busy a person can get. Whew.
    
     And I think the simple words of 'Baby Busy' tell a huge story all by themselves. But I will try to reconnect with my readers this month and offer positive stories during this joyful season.