Lois Lane Drives a Minivan

Do you wanna play with me? 

     I have a confession to make: While I write this blog, Baby Blueberry is munching cold left-overs for breakfast, the weeds are starting to take over my front yard, and in two weeks I have to start homeschooling two children- who will never be the poster children for the perfectly agreeable homeschooled child who doesn't argue when it's time to do math.
     In the meantime I have two articles due and I just released my first fictional book on Amazon.com. Yay!! (More on that next time, with links. Because if any of my readers love romance stories, than I will be begging them to purchase a copy and if they like it, to write a review on Amazon for me. If you want and be so inclined. Just a small flavor to start getting the word out. )

      This summer has not turned out the way I hoped, which I had some inkling of when it started, there was a general feeling in the breeze, in the chilly wind that has not warmed up yet and continued to stay on the cool side right into August. Even this day started with a fog weaving through the leaves of the trees, a cloud mist sinking to the ground.

    A fog is fitting for the state of my mind.- dealing with confusion and a general sense of being overwhelmed. I can kinda feel the warmth of the sun through it, and I know eventually it will burn off- this sense of lostness- but in the meantime...
   It's starts like this: Yes, I agree that putting Abu through orthodontic work would be considered a 'first world problem' Blah. - And I AM NO LESS GRATEFUL that Hero Hottie and I can scrimp and save and somehow magically pull money together to pay for this. We are gladly giving up dinners outs, new clothes, work around the house, trips, etc. to make sure she has a healthy mouth, a painless smile and bite.
     This does not mean that I am not overwhelmed with the amount of money I owe on this or the juggling to my finances it takes to pay the 'car payment' size bill every month.
    I know financial experts say money is just a tool but when I pick up a hammer my stomach doesn't tightened into a knot. My thumb might try to hide but that because I have a tendency to not hit things on the head. - I look at my bank statement and my Crohn's threatens to kill me. Hasn't been a great month for the whole gut and emotion connection theories that I can attest to as probably being fact.

     I think someone can be grateful for something and still be overwhelmed by the sheer size of it. So when I complain about how much this is costing, I'm not any less full of gratitude- I just know every time I pay the orthodontist it's the same as taking a loaded cannon and aiming it at my bank account.    
    And I know myself enough to realize I will continue to stress about it until it's paid.
   
    I also realized a few other things this summer.

First:
   If the truth can set a man free- it does not restore things to their previous order. A man will still have to claw, as if in a fight and struggle for survival, against the dark lies that put him in a position to have to defend himself in the first place. Truth may shine brightly, but it does not give a man back his position in the community, his livelihood, his honor.
    The truth ends one battle- which is proving that the lies are nothing but that- and sets a man on another path- which is regaining what he has lost.
   I guess I had a fairytale version of truth, which was once truth won- everything was bright and shiny again. I was wrong.
  
   But the other thing I realized: truth gives you back your soul and that has value of immeasurable worth. 

Second:
    That life is an endless, sloppy mess of joy and grief- all mixed together. And there isn't any balance. Sometimes you will have more joy than grief and other times you will definitely experience more grief than joy.

Grief:
Currently my parents are having to relocate. The rental house they are living in is up for sale by the landlord. I'm not sure if the realtor knows this is just a desperate attempt on his part to sale the house before the banks takes it- but I don't think it matters. My parents have to find somewhere else to live and it's not going great.

And I had two wonderful friends move this summer, far, far away. So missing people always make me a little sad.

Another friendship is drifting and I don't understand drift. I always moved before any of my relationships could enter that weird zone of being someone I used to know.

But joy is always present in my life and these are the moments that help me deal with this strange existence called being human.

Joy:
Watching my children grow. And lately with the world in such burning chaos, I have made the hugs a little longer, the listening to their stories more attentive, just spending more time with them. Grateful to have them in my life. Grateful that they are safe, and have full bellies, and shoes on their feet.

Gibson. He drives me nuts but he is also a character who we took to the dog park and now he knows where heaven is. - It's at the dog park where they have that creek and all the dogs play together. Life is so good there.

Pretending to be Lois Lane as I drive to interviews in my minivan, hoping that the nose wipe on my shoulder that the Baby just sent me off with will dry by the time I arrive. Hoping that I can find a blank sheet of paper in my notebook when I open it up and realize someone else had used it for their drawings. Trying to keep my mind focused on my questions and the interviewees' answers as I also fall into mommy mode and plan dinner and wonder what is causing Baby Blueberry's diaper rash. 


Next time I will talk about my new book, The Cowboy's Sexy Songbird.

In the meantime:  the dog park is apparently heaven. And running through a creek, chasing each other for a stick is the answer to finding happiness.

   

Life in Transition

    A journey starts with an idea. And that idea becomes a reality when we have made a decision to step onto that path.
    Some people make rapid decisions; they don't hesitate, they don't self doubt and they always seem confident. Perhaps some of them are and others are just good at hiding their feelings of fear.

    Other people make decisions like they're on a see saw. They go one way and then not liking the direction they have been thrown in, go the other way. But they always seem to go back and forth, never finding that balance they need to stay on one path and complete their journey.

    In my life I have made decisions in a variety of different manners. Some were made so quickly I'm not sure I even had a conscious thought...Snap. I felt it and made it happen. Like when Hero Hottie and I adopted Buddy from the pound. I didn't take days and weeks to ponder if it was the right choice or not. I just felt it and went with the decision.
   I never, ever doubted that choice. Even when we had to put him to sleep and he broke my heart in the way only a canine companion can do.

    When I fell in love with Hero Hottie there was no wishy washy 'do I or don't I' kind of thoughts. In fact, after three weeks of dating I just knew. It was there in my heart without a doubt and even though I was young and couldn't even decide on what college degree to obtain or what sort of career to go after...I was marrying this guy. It wasn't a conscious thought, just an awareness of the decision I had already made.
     The only thing I would have done differently-- I would have gone on a honeymoon. I was finishing a semester of college and we were buying a small cottage house to live in, so we used the gift money we had received from family and friends to furnish our new place. Not that I regret the huge, most comfy couch ever that we purchased...but I didn't realize at the time with how busy life can get sometimes skipping a honeymoon means you never get one. And of course, just when we're starting to think about perhaps sneaking away for one since Bean and Abu are older...Baby Blueberry decides to come along.

    In the past few months I have experienced a lot of changes in my life, without making a single decision to do so. And I feel like I'm in the middle of the journey. I've left the starting line and there's no going back to the way things were but I'm no where close to the finish line. My lungs are starting to burn from the exertion of trying to complete this journey and my throat is dry but I can't even see the end.

    A week ago a very good friend of mine and her family moved from across the street. On top of that the wonderful people next to them also moved. So in one week we went from a bustling neighborhood of kids and fun to a very quiet, subdued feeling.
     Bean and Abu are missing their friends like crazy. They would spend countless evenings across the street; playing and riding bikes; laughing and joking.
    Being kids. Being friends. Being neighbors.

    Abu says it will be the loneliest summer ever. It sounds like a title to a book. Because those words indicate change. And change is the beginning of a new story.
    And life is made up of our stories. Each one weaving together to form the person we are.

    I have to agree with her. The evenings haven't been the same. At all. And I don't write this to hurt anyone because they are following their journeys; their paths; their new chapter in their story and I hope it's a wonderful, splendid tale. Full of adventure- good adventure- and happy endings.

    But it does leave our story feeling a little bit sad right now. Being pregnant and hormonal doesn't help a bit.

    On top of this we have more change. My parents, six years ago, moved into my downstairs. It's a fully functional living space with kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms. But that only left us with two bedrooms upstairs. Well, once they realize Baby Blueberry was on the way they made plans to move out. Now is this a good idea financially for them; I'm not sure but again, this is their decision. Even with a baby on the way I wasn't going to kick my parents out.
    But in the meantime...they moved out this weekend. Bean and Abu have pretty much had their grandparents around since they could remember. And suddenly, when they haven't even stopped crying over their friends moving; their grandparents are leaving too.
    Now with that being said; they are only moving across the alley to a house they rented. So it's not like they're going very far away. The only problem is I can't seem to convince the girls of this. They must measure distance differently than I do.
   
    So right now our life is in transition. Our entire daily routine and even our thoughts are still stuck in the same mode we were in two weeks ago when if we needed someone to visit with we just simply walked across the street and had a visit. It was sweet and spontaneous.
    Or if the girls needed their grandparents they simply walked downstairs and found time away from Mom and Dad.
    Now-- the new neighbors are young and childless. And the downstairs is strangely quiet.
    In three short months our lives will change even further with Baby Blueberry and the start of middle school for Bean.
    So I don't feel like we're going to settle this summer into a new routine; into a new chapter. There are too many things unsettled and in chaos. The girls have to paint their new rooms and we have to ready a nursery. I might be on modified bed rest for the entire pregnancy which puts me into a holding pattern. I can't really start anything new because I have to rest.
    And our friendships have to be planned events now; something that is going to take getting used to.
   
     My only solace is the local outdoor swimming pool. Bean and Abu are old enough to swim in the water without me and I can watch from my lounge chair, in the shade, working on my short stories.
    So it's our summer of change and I could probably blame it on the Mayan calendar. It is 2012 after all. And plus we just had the Transit of Venus which sounds mysterious and life changing. I didn't see it personally; I didn't want to peer directly into the sun but I saw the photos. Little old Venus crossing the massive sun.
    That's the way I feel. Little old me trying to swim across this vast burning mass of change.
    Boy, listen to me. Getting all moody on my readers. It sounds like I might be pregnant and experiencing mood swings or something.
    Maybe I just need chocolate.
    Or pickles. :)