Lost without my GPS

       I don't actually have a GPS system except perhaps in my iPod, which doesn't access the Internet unless I can tap into a Wireless network. Do iPods have GPS? I've never checked and I've rarely used GPS. I'm a bit old fashioned, I have this thing called a map.
      Funny things about maps though. They can be difficult to fold, and they just show you the road you're on, they don't tell you anything about the journey in between your point of beginning and the little dot at the end of your travels. Travel guides are much the same. They might explain about the places to eat and the amusements to be had but they can't warn you of unseen potholes or unmarked cliffs.
      One time we drove to Texas from three states away. Within that first day we reached Texas without a hitch, moods were high spirited, the call of adventure was still thick in our blood and the map was easy to read. When we reached Texas I forgot that the scale on the map had changed from the previous states because of the sheer enormity of the state of Texas. I failed completely at the task of navigator when I thought half a day would be enough time to drive across the wide open spaces of Texas. This fact became clear three hours later when we hadn't even reached Abilene. Damn, but Texas is a huge state. That trip also didn't go smoothly and on the way home we were given a speeding ticket as a thanks for our visit. Yes, we were speeding, but the Texans were passing us. I guess the slow guy is always the one who is caught, or at least the guy with the out of state plates.
       I think life comes with a little bit of a map, at least it seems that way when you're kid. You grow up, go to college, fall in love, get married, have children, experience mid life crisis, get old, tell every kid you know how much old age sucks, and then you die.
       I didn't like that map. I happen to enjoy life, as hard and difficult and boring it can get sometimes. I enjoy the sunrise and the chirps of birds in the morning, I find squirrels immensely funny with their antics and the fact that I'm always finding nuts buried in the garden, I find contentment with being a Mom and Aunt and there's always sex and chocolate to round out the list.
       I also hate the fact that everyone has an entirely different map. Not only does that mean that you can experience hardships on your travels that no one else can help you with. But you also don't always travel with the one you're with, no matter how much you want to.
      Most of the time things go smoothly or at least you know what road you're on. But what happens when you fall in a pothole and it's so deep you don't know if you can crawl out of it? What happens when life hits you so hard that you're blown off the road and the map doesn't show you where the next service station is? Is this a case of having faith, which we know from my last entry I've been having a difficult time keeping track of? I'm not sure. And then I realize that I really don't have any answers to anything, anymore and I probably didn't to begin with but I was clutching the map so tightly in my hands that I didn't know that. And then I spread the map out and suddenly I realize the road I'm on hasn't been finished. In fact it simply ends on the map but I know there must be a destination because I'm still breathing, so I'm still on a road, even if it's unpaved, out in the middle of no where and I can hear the wolves howling.
      I've pulled myself out of plenty of potholes during my life, scraped, bruised and bleeding. And I'm the first to admit that a couple of those potholes I'm sure I dug myself. I think those times usually fall under the regrets category.
     But I'm still trying to figure out if this current pothole is something I helped create or if its just so deep because the hurts that effect us the most are the ones we receive from those closest to us. I wish I had a flashlight, it would help shed light on the situation. Lame pun intended.
      Since I would like to keep things positive because I really do feel like there is enough strife and misery in the world without me adding to it, I'm going to share a few tips on what has helped me in times before.
     
      Tip One: Don't say something just to hurt back. I fully believe in honesty and speaking up in a disagreement, but you will regret hitting below the belt, especially with a loved one. It's so basic, but so easy to forget when we're feeling hurt, attacked (emotionally) and vulnerable. It doesn't solve anything and later the pain we cause comes back in a ripple effect. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me, is simply a shield we put up to try to convince ourselves that we can't be broken with mere words.

     Tip Two: Start exercising and eating right. When we are healthier physically we can be stronger emotionally. Climbing out of a pothole is hard work and takes all the energy we can muster, feeling sickly isn't going to help.

      Tip Three: Do something nice for someone else. Going shopping, eating chocolate or drinking will only temporary ease the pain but it will not fix anything. In fact, it could make it worse if we're spending money we don't have, putting on pounds we don't need or killing our livers. But doing something nice for someone else will remind us of the good in life, it will make us feel needed again and give us purpose. My Aunt Dottie is still going strong into her eighties. Her secret, simply taking care of others because if she stopped and gave into self pity than that would be it.

      Tip Four: Give up the news. It's important to stay informed and we should all take an active role in our communities in some way but I'm beginning to think the nightly news is simply fear mongering and not at all proactive. It rarely inspires us to contribute to society and in fact makes us wants to crawl under the covers and hide away. I also get tired of hearing of some great, new breakthrough and then later find out it was funded by a company selling a product.

       Tip Five: Remember, things are what we make of them. My mother in law had to host a dinner this week for family members from out of town for an internment for an elderly relative. She spent months fixing up the house for this few hours of hosting, which I can totally relate to, but her house already looks awesome without the work. (I always receive her furniture when she buys new stuff. I love it.) Anyway, she bought a new stove for this get together. It arrived and then it was quickly discovered that the clerk had ordered the wrong stove. There was no time to get the correct stove in. She was a bit upset and I was trying to reassure her that everything looked awesome and no one would notice.
      She sighs, clearly struggling to be okay with the situation. "I guess it's not like anyone died or anything."
      Ahh, yeah. Someone did die, that's why everyone was gathering at her home. I frowned, wondering what to say. I suppose though, that it's a common thought we often tell ourselves when something bad happens, 'it's not like someone died.'
     It's cliche but it's true. Today, while I was writing this, a car accident happened right in front of my house. Luckily, the weather was crappy and the kids were in the house and not outside. There weren't any kids bicycling or skateboarding in the street, thank goodness for rainy days. A jeep driven by a teenage boy with a female teenage passenger were driving way over the speed limit and crashed into my neighbor's parked truck. The impact was immense and the tire on the pickup truck blew in a puff of exploded air and the truck moved four or five feet down the curb. The jeep occupants hit the windshield and had facial injuries but thank God, they didn't have life threatening injuries. It could have been worse.


       I know most people around me have been struggling with some inner strife of various sorts. I start to wonder if the alignment of the planets is affecting our emotions. I know, sounds completely crazy but the moon does affect the tides of the ocean, why couldn't external sources make us want to howl at the moon, or at least take a long vacation where there is sun and warm sand and no spouses or children.
      Since a vacation is not an option right now, I'm going to unfold my map and take another peek at it. Perhaps it will have updated since earlier and I'll have some idea of the road I travel. In the meantime, I will be grateful for family, great friends, wonderful neighbors and the promise of summer.

Monday Musings...

Dedicated to a great dog...

       I had plans to post on Monday, even had the idea ready to go and then that inevitable change I've talked about before decided to make itself very known and hero hottie and I had to make a difficult decision about our Buddy dog.

       We knew it was coming, he was dying of cancer, and every extra day we had with him was a gift that we didn't take for granted. But there's no way to prepare yourself emotionally for the hard decisions. I can't go down to the store and buy a shield of iron for my heart and neither would I choose to.

       He was my best canine friend in the whole universe and his presence around the house has been sorely missed. And its the little things too, the daily interactions that weren't significant, that weren't exciting, that weren't celebrations, but they were the foundations on which our life with him was built. Saving scraps of chicken from dinner, letting him outside one last time for the night, his tail purposely hitting the mattress in the middle of my sleep to wake me when he couldn't wait until morning. It was the grin on his face, because yes, dogs do smile, when we were goofing off with him. Hero hottie would often times play a game of tag and chase with him and it was something they both enjoyed. 

        The house is empty without him. I feel tears off and on during the day and for anyone that hasn't been given the gift of a canine or feline best friend they probably think I'm crazy to be so upset about his passing. For readers that have shared in the joy of having a furry friend then they know exactly what I'm talking about. From their first purr or bark they wrap your heart around their little paws and when they die they break it. And then its especially sad because they love you so much they don't want to break your heart. Buddy kept looking at me with his big brown eyes, sad and crying but with a look of 'it's okay, Mom. Don't be sad.' He hated to see me sad. When I was upset he would come over and lay his head on my leg until it was all okay. I'll tell you I could use my canine friend right now, because my heart is sore and his unconditional love would fix it all. 

        I hate movies where the dogs die at the end. Old Yeller, Where the Red Fern Grows, Marley and Me...Why remind people how much it hurts when your dog dies? I don't need to think about it yet here I am writing about it, doing the same thing. I think we write about them because we don't want to forget them. Because we want other people to know how sweet and wonderful our furry friends were. 

        And telling stories help heal the hurt. There's laughter and joy to be found when we tell stories of them. And they live on, in a way. I never really realized why my Grandmother still talked about her childhood dog with such intensity and love. Now I know. Time is relative and doesn't heal but sharing our love and memories does. 

        On the day we had to help him over to the other side, my child, who doesn't remember a time without him, came home with two drawings. One was of Buddy, with a smile and a curly tail and unfortunately the tumor on his leg that took him away from us. And the other drawing was an unusual picture of a geometric shape in the middle, covered with a bright yellow star that had a door drawn in the middle of it. The star was exploding with light, tons of inviting light that seem to stretch into the forever. I was instantly comforted by it and knew that this unusual picture was perhaps a glimpse into the beyond that we rarely have a view of from down here on planet Earth. It was Buddy's light and I knew he would be okay. 

        Adopting Buddy was one of the best decisions hero hottie and I ever made. It was one of those decisions that we never doubted. He was a part of the family and everyone around here will greatly miss him. And even with the pain that fogs my brain and fills my heart, I would never change that bright, sunny Saturday when we followed an impulse and took home a charming, golden colored mutt that would teach us lessons of love and lost by simply being a great 'Buddy.' 

          So this entry is for you Bud, a great dog who loved everyone he met and handed out happiness with every wag of his tail and lick of his tongue.