Well, I was going to share my resolutions for this year, which happens to be the year of Doomsday but those damn zombies ate them.
I'll try to remember them. Let's see.... It's 2012. Should I even bother with resolutions? After all, the Mayans have said we're all going to die. Doesn't seem to be much point in making a list that I'll fail to keep after three weeks anyway?
Did I say three weeks? Mmmm, that's hopeful. I think my track record for resolutions made in the gloomiest month of year happens to be as accurate as Harold Camping's predictions of the end of the world. You know he's just trying to steal the Mayan's thunder. :)
But boy, it's 2012 and the Internet is buzzing with more ways to die in the end of the world than any Hollywood script writer could imagine. Perhaps they should borrow some ideas from some of these sites, because no offense to John Cusack; but I'm not depending on him to save me during the end of the world.
First of all...his only claim to fame is just simply being in the right place at the right time. He knows to flee, in a borrowed limo (give me an awesome pick up truck from the zombie movies), then the step-dad happens to be a pilot and his employer happens to have tickets and so on and so forth. Everyone around him dies horribly but he's just that lucky.
Like I'm that lucky? Nope, I'll be sucked down into the bowels of the Earth.
And then my second point; if you're the step-Dad you're going to die. Because John has to get back together with the ex-wife in this strange new world where only the ultra rich have survived.
That's seems about right.
I had a discussion about this. If you had to choose between John Cusack or Bruce Willis to save you from the end of the world, who would you pick? I think I'm going to post that on my Facebook page and see who wins.
My vote: Bruce Willis featuring Aerosmith -because you need a good rock song to accompany the end of the world.
Heck, I would pick Frodo over John Cusack. :)
Boy, all this talk of 2012 is starting to scare me. Ohh, I'm scared now.
No, not really. Because if I made it through Y2K than I think I can make it through the end of the Mayan's calendar. Did anyone wonder if they didn't just run out of stone to carve on?
Or better yet...
"Hey, boss. Do you know what would be funny?" The bored, underfed stone carver asks.
"Joe, get back to work, no one's asking you to be funny." The supervisor snarls.
So Joe, not being especially bright, plots revenge. He's going to carve the end of the world into the calendar. Ha, that will show the boss. Wait until he gets scared and trembling because the end of the world is going to happen.
Funny joke Joe. But now at least people are showing interest in other cultures, like the Mayans.
In the meantime, I should at least make a New Year resolution to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse. Never thought P90X would come in handy to get in shape so I can run away from the zombies. Thank you Tony Horton, do you know how many people you're helping reach their 'Escape the Zombies' resolutions.
I need to purchase a pair of Velcro tennis shoes. Forget the laces, do I want to be tipping on untied shoelaces while the hoard of brain eating zombies are chasing me? Not a chance.
Throw a bag together of some shotguns and chainsaws and I should be ready. There, now that's a New Year Resolution I can keep...preparing for the zombies.
And I'll start practicing on my weekly shopping trips to Wal-Mart...Where I happened to see a zombie the other day, seriously. She was dressed in old, dirty sweatpants and a big, grimy t-shirt. Her greasy, thin hair was matted down on the back of her skull and she walked in that laborious fashion of the zombie while nonsense words grunted from her lips. She wasn't mentally handicapped, otherwise I wouldn't be joking about it, she was just that uninterested in being human. Her cart was loaded with the worse processed food you can find and I have to start wondering if junk food isn't just food made specially for zombies.
Wal-Mart; the birthplace of the zombie apocalypse...I'm sure of it.
But joking aside, I hope if anyone purchased a yearly calendar that they asked for a discount since the end of the world is on December 21st. I wouldn't want to pay for an extra week. That also means I should plan on celebrating Christmas early. I would hate to get the tree up, the stockings hung and all the presents wrapped and not have time to enjoy a few pieces of pie before either we're hit by a huge asteroid, or the Earth does a shift on its axis thingy, or Wal-Mart is out of brains.
Hey, I know what my New Year Resolution should be...getting Bruce Willis' number on speed dial. Just in case it's death by asteroid.
That's sounds like a new board game. 'Clue- the 2012 edition'
Is it death by asteroid, zombie apocalypse, mutant virus, or city falling into the Earth?
Or even worse, death by overdose on Facebook?
As long as the zombies don't come after me I'm wishing everyone a Happy New Year!!!
Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Thursday, November 24, 2011
What I'm Grateful For...
I'm obviously grateful for my family, friends and life. And I have so many good things that I could write about them that it would take me all day but if I did that I wouldn't get my pies made and then everyone would be mad at me. Maybe not mad, but highly disappointed since around here the favorite part of the meal is not the turkey but pies. Pumpkin, pecan, apple, etc.
So I'm writing about other things I'm grateful for...
1. I'm glad that Congress has basically decided that pizza is now considered a veggie on the school lunch menu. Eat that Tony Horton. Now I can do P90X and still eat tons of pizza simply because it has tomato sauce on it. I'm sure kids everywhere appreciate the 'wisdom' of our leaders who have declared that pizza, with it highly refined and processed white flour crust and pounds of greasy cheese can pass as a veggie because it has a few tablespoons of tomato sauce.
Of course, I thought tomato was considered a fruit? So I did a little research, in technical botanical speak a tomato fits the definition of fruit. But under a ruling of the Supreme Court of the United States back in the 1880's, the tomato was legally defined as a veggie so it could be taxed. I think the ruling goes deeper than that, obviously the judges were setting it up, so later pizza could be counted as a vegetable.
Conspiracy or not, I'm just grateful that I don't have to think about the heavy carbs in a pizza because it's now a vegetable.
2. A study done by a University of Notre Dame Psychology Professor has shown that walking through doorways causes us to forget things. Apparently we are messing up our internal filing system in our brain when we take a step through a doorway and thus forgetting.
Wow. I'm thinking this guy walked through too many doors.
Do I believe this? No, because with how many times I walk between the living room and the kitchen if that was true I wouldn't be able to remember my name by now...what a minute, some days when all the kids are puking, dinner is burning and I can't find my sanity maybe it's not from stress...perhaps it's from walking through the doorway too many times. So next time I can't remember who I am, I will try to remember to be grateful to this guy because I now have something to blame forgetfulness on.
3. I'm thankful for the 'people of Walmart' who remind me why it's important to look our best when we leave the house. Wearing pajamas, spaghetti strap tank tops, and slippers to go shopping is definitely bending the no shirt, no shoe rule. Where is your self respect, man? At least put a robe on.
I know celebrities are 'allowed' to go around the town letting everything hang out but they're just pitiful. If you're so desperate for attention that you're going to 'forget' to wear clothes then you need either a hobby, a dog, or something.
Please shoppers, our 'roll back' prices are for customers that bothered to get ready this morning. Of course, we know that isn't going to happen. They would lose too much business.
4. I'm so glad that the zombies didn't take over my town this year. With all the Zombie Apocalypse warnings I was pretty sure that by the time Thanksgiving rolled around we wouldn't be eating turkey, we would be decked out in fatigues, armed with butchers knives and watching our neighbors' brains being snacked on by the shoppers of Walmart. I was expecting B-rated movie music in the background while we ran for our lives from the slow moving, dumb acting, grunting and moaning zombies.
Then we would find an amusement park that was still operational and have as many free rides with no waiting in lines until the zombie mobs found us and we have to work together to kill all of them. And hopefully find some Twinkles at the end. Either way I would ride off into the sunset with hero hottie, ready to kill more zombies.
On second thought, I'm glad the only zombies I ran into were at Safeway last night trying to run each other over with their carts as they waited in long lines with their last minute items. What is it with people waiting until the last minute to buy their groceries? Uhh, that's not why I was there....
5. I'm grateful for vampires that sparkle in the sunlight because they're too easy to make fun of and I'm not sure what I'm going to make fun of next year when Twilight finally fades away. And I'm grateful for werewolves that fight vampires without their shirts on. Really, does no one know how cold and chilly the Pacific Northwest can be? We're not talking beach weather, people. Of course, if any fictional character wants to run around without their shirt on, then I'm voting for Captain America.
So here's my list of things I'm thankful for this holiday season...oh, that and hero hottie, who wishes sometimes that I wouldn't blog about him...but lets me do it anyways. :)
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
So I'm writing about other things I'm grateful for...
1. I'm glad that Congress has basically decided that pizza is now considered a veggie on the school lunch menu. Eat that Tony Horton. Now I can do P90X and still eat tons of pizza simply because it has tomato sauce on it. I'm sure kids everywhere appreciate the 'wisdom' of our leaders who have declared that pizza, with it highly refined and processed white flour crust and pounds of greasy cheese can pass as a veggie because it has a few tablespoons of tomato sauce.
Of course, I thought tomato was considered a fruit? So I did a little research, in technical botanical speak a tomato fits the definition of fruit. But under a ruling of the Supreme Court of the United States back in the 1880's, the tomato was legally defined as a veggie so it could be taxed. I think the ruling goes deeper than that, obviously the judges were setting it up, so later pizza could be counted as a vegetable.
Conspiracy or not, I'm just grateful that I don't have to think about the heavy carbs in a pizza because it's now a vegetable.
2. A study done by a University of Notre Dame Psychology Professor has shown that walking through doorways causes us to forget things. Apparently we are messing up our internal filing system in our brain when we take a step through a doorway and thus forgetting.
Wow. I'm thinking this guy walked through too many doors.
Do I believe this? No, because with how many times I walk between the living room and the kitchen if that was true I wouldn't be able to remember my name by now...what a minute, some days when all the kids are puking, dinner is burning and I can't find my sanity maybe it's not from stress...perhaps it's from walking through the doorway too many times. So next time I can't remember who I am, I will try to remember to be grateful to this guy because I now have something to blame forgetfulness on.
3. I'm thankful for the 'people of Walmart' who remind me why it's important to look our best when we leave the house. Wearing pajamas, spaghetti strap tank tops, and slippers to go shopping is definitely bending the no shirt, no shoe rule. Where is your self respect, man? At least put a robe on.
I know celebrities are 'allowed' to go around the town letting everything hang out but they're just pitiful. If you're so desperate for attention that you're going to 'forget' to wear clothes then you need either a hobby, a dog, or something.
Please shoppers, our 'roll back' prices are for customers that bothered to get ready this morning. Of course, we know that isn't going to happen. They would lose too much business.
4. I'm so glad that the zombies didn't take over my town this year. With all the Zombie Apocalypse warnings I was pretty sure that by the time Thanksgiving rolled around we wouldn't be eating turkey, we would be decked out in fatigues, armed with butchers knives and watching our neighbors' brains being snacked on by the shoppers of Walmart. I was expecting B-rated movie music in the background while we ran for our lives from the slow moving, dumb acting, grunting and moaning zombies.
Then we would find an amusement park that was still operational and have as many free rides with no waiting in lines until the zombie mobs found us and we have to work together to kill all of them. And hopefully find some Twinkles at the end. Either way I would ride off into the sunset with hero hottie, ready to kill more zombies.
On second thought, I'm glad the only zombies I ran into were at Safeway last night trying to run each other over with their carts as they waited in long lines with their last minute items. What is it with people waiting until the last minute to buy their groceries? Uhh, that's not why I was there....
5. I'm grateful for vampires that sparkle in the sunlight because they're too easy to make fun of and I'm not sure what I'm going to make fun of next year when Twilight finally fades away. And I'm grateful for werewolves that fight vampires without their shirts on. Really, does no one know how cold and chilly the Pacific Northwest can be? We're not talking beach weather, people. Of course, if any fictional character wants to run around without their shirt on, then I'm voting for Captain America.
So here's my list of things I'm thankful for this holiday season...oh, that and hero hottie, who wishes sometimes that I wouldn't blog about him...but lets me do it anyways. :)
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The Fall of Summer
Summer has gone, lost in the brisk winds that whip the colorful fall leaves around. Neighborhood squirrels are very busy burying peanuts in the soil around my blueberry bushes. The soil is nice and soft and they seem to think it's just for them. In the spring the peanuts they haven't eaten will sprout but around here they don't grow much. Right now that seems like projects in my life, they've sprouted but if the weather in the next six months is too harsh they will wither and die. So I will have to keep praying for a lot of sunshine after this winter.
I almost ran over a poor little squirrel the other day. I was riding my mountain bike on the bike path when he started darting in front of me. I slowed down, knowing that he had plenty of time to reach the other side. (And please, no 'why did the squirrel cross the road jokes.')
But the poor little thing freaked out and right in the middle of the path decided he didn't know which way to go, and in his indecision he started doing a frantic circle in front of my bike tire. I hit the brakes hard, only pulling out a few of his tail hairs as he finally decided to continue across the path to the other side. I suppose that's a lot like life, we do circles in the middle of our decisions, finally choosing a path only after we lose a bit of our tail hairs. Of course, it's usually the decision we were going to follow to begin with but it takes us forever to figure that part out.
This week has been a hodge podge of different things, wonderful things like dinner with the neighbors (grin), fun things like lunch with my niece and frustrating 'it's hard to be a parent' things with Bean.
My niece, CT was so funny though, reminding me that I love the logical of three years old. We were at the sub shop having lunch when she looked at my drink.
"What did you get?" She studies it intently because most of time Aunt Christy buys water.
"I got root beer. Do you want a sip?"
She looks at me horrified. "Oh, no, Aunt Christy. I can't drink beer."
I laughed.
On another note I learned today that Hallmark is offering sympathy cards for the unemployed. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Unfortunately, there must be enough unemployment going around to catch the greeting card industry's attention if they're going to offer cards. On the other hand, I don't know many people that would want a card reminding them that they just lost their job, their source of income, their security and telling them good luck finding a new job in today's economy. But I suppose it at least keeps more people employed at Hallmark. Still, I'm waiting for the sympathy cards to express my concern over zombie attacks. I can see that card now. 'Sorry about the zombie attack that burned down your house and ate your dog. But aren't you glad I got you a card?'
To finish up today's blog, I'm including pictures of Autumn. Hope you enjoy.
Flowers are absolutely beautiful but sometimes I think their dried shapes, especially in the right light can be nice too.
I have to say, I do love the colors of Autumn. :)
I love the colors!
I actually beat the squirrels!!
It's almost time for Halloween.
Do you know how many pumpkin pies are right there?
I almost ran over a poor little squirrel the other day. I was riding my mountain bike on the bike path when he started darting in front of me. I slowed down, knowing that he had plenty of time to reach the other side. (And please, no 'why did the squirrel cross the road jokes.')
But the poor little thing freaked out and right in the middle of the path decided he didn't know which way to go, and in his indecision he started doing a frantic circle in front of my bike tire. I hit the brakes hard, only pulling out a few of his tail hairs as he finally decided to continue across the path to the other side. I suppose that's a lot like life, we do circles in the middle of our decisions, finally choosing a path only after we lose a bit of our tail hairs. Of course, it's usually the decision we were going to follow to begin with but it takes us forever to figure that part out.
This week has been a hodge podge of different things, wonderful things like dinner with the neighbors (grin), fun things like lunch with my niece and frustrating 'it's hard to be a parent' things with Bean.
My niece, CT was so funny though, reminding me that I love the logical of three years old. We were at the sub shop having lunch when she looked at my drink.
"What did you get?" She studies it intently because most of time Aunt Christy buys water.
"I got root beer. Do you want a sip?"
She looks at me horrified. "Oh, no, Aunt Christy. I can't drink beer."
I laughed.
On another note I learned today that Hallmark is offering sympathy cards for the unemployed. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Unfortunately, there must be enough unemployment going around to catch the greeting card industry's attention if they're going to offer cards. On the other hand, I don't know many people that would want a card reminding them that they just lost their job, their source of income, their security and telling them good luck finding a new job in today's economy. But I suppose it at least keeps more people employed at Hallmark. Still, I'm waiting for the sympathy cards to express my concern over zombie attacks. I can see that card now. 'Sorry about the zombie attack that burned down your house and ate your dog. But aren't you glad I got you a card?'
To finish up today's blog, I'm including pictures of Autumn. Hope you enjoy.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Mama Tried to Warn Me Not to Date a Zombie...
Ahh, what can I say about dating a zombie? They aren't hot like a werewolf and they aren't mysterious and moody like a vampire. They actually remind me of the boyfriend who plays video games all the time, doesn't talk about anything (and complains that you do), and zones out when asked, 'do you want to do something romantic?' But hey, everyone has their ideal and maybe a zombie is for you...just know I tried to warn you.
1. When they take you out to eat, it's always to the same crappy place. They're not concerned about what you want to do or eat, they just want to eat the same thing...brains. They don't want to try anything new or unusual, like a salad with roasted sunflowers and avocado. No, they want brains and the bloodier the better. Wait a minute, are we still discussing zombies or guys with grills and any sort of meat available?
2. They're always going out with their friends, until late in the evening, after you've already done the dishes and walked the dog. For some reason, terrorizing the neighbors and eating their brains is more exciting than doing couple stuff.
3. Depending on the type of zombie they are, your boyfriend might lose body parts at inconvenient times, such as over at your parent's house or grocery shopping. This is gross and quite embarrassing. Can you imagine being on the subway, full of people? "Excuse me, I'm not trying to steal your seat, I just need to find my boyfriend's arm or leg, or nose." All of this while your boyfriend stands around doing nothing, except eyeing the beautiful blonde across the aisle.
"Are you checking out that blonde?" You accuse angrily.
"No, I like women for their brains." Zombie boyfriend says. Yeah, sure.
4. There is 'feet smell', and there is 'running laps sweaty smell', but there's nothing like the body odor of the undead. Plan on purchasing lots and lots of cologne for your zombie boyfriend. They tend to be quite wretched in their odor as body parts decompose. I would say that no one could put up with this smell but I've met some interesting people in my life, such as a lady who would collect road kill and store it in her freezer until she could boil the flesh from the bones. So I'm sure there are people out there in this strange world who wouldn't mind the constant odor of zombie flesh.
5. You remember that time when you would tried to discuss important things with your ex boyfriend while he was trying to watch the 'GAME'. And remember how that ended well... Having a zombie for a boyfriend is like that except all the time. They can't focus, they can't carry conversations and they're happy if you put them in front of a video game and let them play for days at a time.
6. With the Zombie Apocalypse a possibility, at least according to both the CDC and even the city of Bristol in the UK, having a boyfriend that is on a wanted list might be a horrible ending to your love story. How heartbreaking would it be to watch the love of your life be attacked by trained city officials as they try to "Fully disconnect the brain-stem from the body through either blunt force or full head removal." (This is contained in Bristol's city contingency plans for zombie attacks.) And forget all the zombie killing techniques we have learned from watching Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead. Your relationship is truly doomed and this is even before you take him home to meet Daddy.
7. He might try to eat your brains one day. This is a definite sign that there is something wrong in your relationship and you should probably break up before your story ends up on one of those crimes shows about deadly relationships.
So I tried to come up with ten possible hazards of dating a zombie but after seven I have come to the conclusion that perhaps zombies don't make the best boyfriend material. If you're not worrying about the smell of the undead and lack of conversations, then you have to worry about him eating brains or being killed by mobs of townspeople. Oh, I know dating is frustrating and complicated but I think you have to be desperate to date a zombie....On the other hand I see reality television shows in the making like...
My Zombie Boyfriend or The Zombie Bachelor or Zombie's Got Talent
1. When they take you out to eat, it's always to the same crappy place. They're not concerned about what you want to do or eat, they just want to eat the same thing...brains. They don't want to try anything new or unusual, like a salad with roasted sunflowers and avocado. No, they want brains and the bloodier the better. Wait a minute, are we still discussing zombies or guys with grills and any sort of meat available?
2. They're always going out with their friends, until late in the evening, after you've already done the dishes and walked the dog. For some reason, terrorizing the neighbors and eating their brains is more exciting than doing couple stuff.
3. Depending on the type of zombie they are, your boyfriend might lose body parts at inconvenient times, such as over at your parent's house or grocery shopping. This is gross and quite embarrassing. Can you imagine being on the subway, full of people? "Excuse me, I'm not trying to steal your seat, I just need to find my boyfriend's arm or leg, or nose." All of this while your boyfriend stands around doing nothing, except eyeing the beautiful blonde across the aisle.
"Are you checking out that blonde?" You accuse angrily.
"No, I like women for their brains." Zombie boyfriend says. Yeah, sure.
4. There is 'feet smell', and there is 'running laps sweaty smell', but there's nothing like the body odor of the undead. Plan on purchasing lots and lots of cologne for your zombie boyfriend. They tend to be quite wretched in their odor as body parts decompose. I would say that no one could put up with this smell but I've met some interesting people in my life, such as a lady who would collect road kill and store it in her freezer until she could boil the flesh from the bones. So I'm sure there are people out there in this strange world who wouldn't mind the constant odor of zombie flesh.
5. You remember that time when you would tried to discuss important things with your ex boyfriend while he was trying to watch the 'GAME'. And remember how that ended well... Having a zombie for a boyfriend is like that except all the time. They can't focus, they can't carry conversations and they're happy if you put them in front of a video game and let them play for days at a time.
6. With the Zombie Apocalypse a possibility, at least according to both the CDC and even the city of Bristol in the UK, having a boyfriend that is on a wanted list might be a horrible ending to your love story. How heartbreaking would it be to watch the love of your life be attacked by trained city officials as they try to "Fully disconnect the brain-stem from the body through either blunt force or full head removal." (This is contained in Bristol's city contingency plans for zombie attacks.) And forget all the zombie killing techniques we have learned from watching Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead. Your relationship is truly doomed and this is even before you take him home to meet Daddy.
7. He might try to eat your brains one day. This is a definite sign that there is something wrong in your relationship and you should probably break up before your story ends up on one of those crimes shows about deadly relationships.
So I tried to come up with ten possible hazards of dating a zombie but after seven I have come to the conclusion that perhaps zombies don't make the best boyfriend material. If you're not worrying about the smell of the undead and lack of conversations, then you have to worry about him eating brains or being killed by mobs of townspeople. Oh, I know dating is frustrating and complicated but I think you have to be desperate to date a zombie....On the other hand I see reality television shows in the making like...
My Zombie Boyfriend or The Zombie Bachelor or Zombie's Got Talent
This is not secret Zombie Apocalypse code, so townspeople of Bristol do not panic. This is for
Technorati, to help bring readers to my blog.
VHZ9RY96HMGG
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Absence Makes my Heart Ache for my Laptop
Zombies vs. Computer Eating Viruses
Zombies- 0 point
Computer Eating Viruses: 1 Point
The winner: Me, but only by a slight margin and with a lot of help from my Dad, who is like a computer genius. (Yes, I'm bragging but he's great with computers. He's a network administer at a school district and can pretty much solve any computer problem.)
And because my Dad is a computer whiz, my computer is blocked by a powerful firewall, virus protection programs and a host of other things that I don't know the names to but I do know that they work. Except for this computer eating virus that came out of nowhere and devoured my computer whole. One minute I'm browsing orthodontic sites (don't shake your heads in disagreement, I have those sorts of sites blocked to protect my children) and the next I'm being told by a pop up screen to download an eighty dollar program to save my computer.
I refused such acts of terrorism and they, whoever the creeps are, decided to wipe the programs off my computer, hide all my documents and photo files and destroy my operating system. They were like zombies and zeroed right in for the brains of my computer.
I was almost crying with frustration. Most of my files are backed up, I am a child of a computer guy, but not all of them. And how their program ever managed to sneak pass all the levels of security on my computer is just amazing. Terrible but amazing.
No, zombies did not eat my laptop and my wonderful, addictive access to the Internet. After a week my Dad was finally able to save my files and my computer. He had to download my files onto another computer to even gain access to my writings and my photos and then he had to completely wipe everything off my computer and reinstall my operating system.
But for a week I didn't have my computer. What to do with myself? Of course, I did find things to do before AOL graced itself on my computer in the nineties but now I didn't have access to writing my blog, to editing my writings, to preparing my photos to sell them or to surfing the Internet.
In desperation, which shows you just how much time I shouldn't be spending on the web, I took my iPod and tried to read all the websites that keep me informed of all the terrible things happening in the world right now. The print was tiny, the scrolling was impossible, and typing involved feats of patience that I usually only need when trying to get children ready for school on time.
So I gave up. (and you can't type an entire blog entry on an iPod. You need the patience of a Saint or the fingers of a 24/7 texting teenager.) In the meantime, I didn't spend as much time stressing myself out over all the crises in the world that I can't do anything about anyway. And I have to admit it was pleasant. I didn't have to worry about zombie attacks, stupid news that focuses on politicians showing off their supposed assets instead of reporting real news, or wondering whatever human hair really is used to make a dough conditioner used to bake bread. (Tasty. Have you had your human hair today?)
And I'm sure that now that my computer is back up and running, I'll be back to checking on the status of the entire world and the ingredients used in products that I'm sure our Grandma's didn't have on their pantry shelves. But this forced hiatus has reminded me that I don't need instant access to unfolding events. Life is too short to be worrying all the time. I need to save my worrying for more important things...like wondering about the dietary preferences of zombies; do they prefer bread with human hair in it or do they stick to the usual low carb/high brain diets? And how would I figure out these life altering questions if I didn't have my wonderful computer?
Zombies- 0 point
Computer Eating Viruses: 1 Point
The winner: Me, but only by a slight margin and with a lot of help from my Dad, who is like a computer genius. (Yes, I'm bragging but he's great with computers. He's a network administer at a school district and can pretty much solve any computer problem.)
And because my Dad is a computer whiz, my computer is blocked by a powerful firewall, virus protection programs and a host of other things that I don't know the names to but I do know that they work. Except for this computer eating virus that came out of nowhere and devoured my computer whole. One minute I'm browsing orthodontic sites (don't shake your heads in disagreement, I have those sorts of sites blocked to protect my children) and the next I'm being told by a pop up screen to download an eighty dollar program to save my computer.
I refused such acts of terrorism and they, whoever the creeps are, decided to wipe the programs off my computer, hide all my documents and photo files and destroy my operating system. They were like zombies and zeroed right in for the brains of my computer.
I was almost crying with frustration. Most of my files are backed up, I am a child of a computer guy, but not all of them. And how their program ever managed to sneak pass all the levels of security on my computer is just amazing. Terrible but amazing.
No, zombies did not eat my laptop and my wonderful, addictive access to the Internet. After a week my Dad was finally able to save my files and my computer. He had to download my files onto another computer to even gain access to my writings and my photos and then he had to completely wipe everything off my computer and reinstall my operating system.
But for a week I didn't have my computer. What to do with myself? Of course, I did find things to do before AOL graced itself on my computer in the nineties but now I didn't have access to writing my blog, to editing my writings, to preparing my photos to sell them or to surfing the Internet.
In desperation, which shows you just how much time I shouldn't be spending on the web, I took my iPod and tried to read all the websites that keep me informed of all the terrible things happening in the world right now. The print was tiny, the scrolling was impossible, and typing involved feats of patience that I usually only need when trying to get children ready for school on time.
So I gave up. (and you can't type an entire blog entry on an iPod. You need the patience of a Saint or the fingers of a 24/7 texting teenager.) In the meantime, I didn't spend as much time stressing myself out over all the crises in the world that I can't do anything about anyway. And I have to admit it was pleasant. I didn't have to worry about zombie attacks, stupid news that focuses on politicians showing off their supposed assets instead of reporting real news, or wondering whatever human hair really is used to make a dough conditioner used to bake bread. (Tasty. Have you had your human hair today?)
And I'm sure that now that my computer is back up and running, I'll be back to checking on the status of the entire world and the ingredients used in products that I'm sure our Grandma's didn't have on their pantry shelves. But this forced hiatus has reminded me that I don't need instant access to unfolding events. Life is too short to be worrying all the time. I need to save my worrying for more important things...like wondering about the dietary preferences of zombies; do they prefer bread with human hair in it or do they stick to the usual low carb/high brain diets? And how would I figure out these life altering questions if I didn't have my wonderful computer?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Ten Tips for Surviving the End of the World (B Rated Movie Style)
Since we're inching closer to 2012 with every passing day; cable channels seem obsessed with showing B- rated doomsday movies and documentaries on people that have predicted the future after the fact. Add the daily news; which is filled with wars, massive crop failures, natural disasters and 'safe' doses of radiation to the mix and I think we could all use ten tips to survive the coming years.
(This is a satire piece. I'm not an expert in surviving zombie attacks or supernovas and shouldn't be taken too seriously.)
1. In an event of a global extinction event, such as asteroids, fire balls, solar flares, etc. above all else stay away from national icons. They are always, no matter what, the first things to be destroyed. If you're in France, stay away from the Eiffel Tower, it will be wiped out. At the Taj Mahal, forget it. Mt. Rushmore, buy a postcard and leave. And if you are in San Francisco, please, please don't go on The Golden Gate Bridge...unless you like to swim.
2. Find the biggest, newest truck you can to make your escape in. In B-rated movies, the survivors always drive the coolest pick-up trucks.(No one drives away in little tiny Volkswagen bugs.)Trucks make you look awesome as you're fleeing for your life. The only downside is that they use up a huge amount of valuable gas. But bonus point; you can run over zombies with them.
3. There is no reason to skip putting on your make up, styling your hair or shaving. People in doomsday scenarios always look good, even after they haven't taken a shower or brushed their teeth in over two weeks and they left all their personal hygiene supplies at home, in the rubble. First impressions are still important and you don't want to be mistaken for a zombie or a bad guy. (for some odd reason bad guys in these movies always look gross and oily, but never use this as a guide; contrary to what you've learned in movies)
4. During the end of the world, lights still work on the street, in buildings, in abandoned stores full of food and at gas stations with working pumps. But if they aren't turned on; this does indict that you should steer clear of this area. There are either zombies waiting to eat you, cannibals ready to eat you, packs of wild dogs ready to eat you, or little old grannies ready to eat you. Either way it's a clear sign that you will be dinner and you should probably just leave, quickly and quietly.
5. Always, always find someone that knows really awesome kung fu or some sort of street wise fighting style. At some point your gun (you do have a gun, right?) will run out of ammo right when something horrible is about to happen. Having a buddy that can Matrix the bad guys will save your life at some point.
6. Viruses have a tendency to kill regular old Joe's rather quickly but if it infects a scientist it usually doesn't kill them until after they discover a cure. So perhaps a career change now before the end of the world might be a great idea. Think scientist. Somehow, this protects you from the horrible, wrenching death that kills other people instantly. (Small downside, in a lot of movies they are the ones to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of humanity. Just something to keep in mind.)
7. Do not go to the top of the tallest building in the city and greet the aliens. Offering them signs of peace and hippie music or keyboard notes might not work that well for you. Instant vaporizing is usually the reaction. Try beer and BBQ ribs instead. Maybe a large coffee. I'm sure they're tired after traveling light years across the universe. That or run and let the other idiots be blown up first. Or barter, give them our politicians in exchange for not being laser gunned.
8. Dogs are great pets. They're part of the family but in the movies they will always die. But they will give up their life to protect the family. It will be a noble and honorable affair but they will die. So just be prepared. In the meantime, until their sacrifice, keep them away from other people. Otherwise, they could end up being the BBQ ribs offered to the aliens.(If you have a cat, forget it. He won't save your life. Cats are not loyal and will run away. Maybe keep one around to sacrifice to the aliens, though. Just an idea.)
9. If you are a single guy, you will run into the hottest chick in the entire world and she will want to hang out with you. Not only that, but even if you are the nerdiest dude ever and never left your parent's basement before now, you will get lucky. And she will be so grateful for saving her life that she will even stay with you after the disaster. (I would say that it works the other way around, but apparently in B-rated disaster movies only hot chicks survive. Sorry.)
10. And finally, if the disaster is total global destruction, such as a supernova, when there wouldn't be a solution to solve the problem before the entire human race and every creature on the Earth is annihilated, then at the very last moment when every thing seems lost and hopeless, the scientist, usually the one who brought the problem to every one's attention, slaps his forehead and says "Duh, that big blob on my scientific papers isn't the final equation of the end of the world, it's spilled coffee. I was wrong. The world isn't ending."
And then every thing is just peachy. The characters go home and watch the final episode of Dancing with the Stars and to check out the status of their friends on Facebook.
So, just to wrap things up...Remember, get a cool pick-up truck, find the hot chick, avoid dark places, and don't greet the aliens. And if all that fails, well you better hope Bruce Willis is ready to sacrifice himself on an asteroid for humanity or we're all doomed.
(This is a satire piece. I'm not an expert in surviving zombie attacks or supernovas and shouldn't be taken too seriously.)
1. In an event of a global extinction event, such as asteroids, fire balls, solar flares, etc. above all else stay away from national icons. They are always, no matter what, the first things to be destroyed. If you're in France, stay away from the Eiffel Tower, it will be wiped out. At the Taj Mahal, forget it. Mt. Rushmore, buy a postcard and leave. And if you are in San Francisco, please, please don't go on The Golden Gate Bridge...unless you like to swim.
2. Find the biggest, newest truck you can to make your escape in. In B-rated movies, the survivors always drive the coolest pick-up trucks.(No one drives away in little tiny Volkswagen bugs.)Trucks make you look awesome as you're fleeing for your life. The only downside is that they use up a huge amount of valuable gas. But bonus point; you can run over zombies with them.
3. There is no reason to skip putting on your make up, styling your hair or shaving. People in doomsday scenarios always look good, even after they haven't taken a shower or brushed their teeth in over two weeks and they left all their personal hygiene supplies at home, in the rubble. First impressions are still important and you don't want to be mistaken for a zombie or a bad guy. (for some odd reason bad guys in these movies always look gross and oily, but never use this as a guide; contrary to what you've learned in movies)
4. During the end of the world, lights still work on the street, in buildings, in abandoned stores full of food and at gas stations with working pumps. But if they aren't turned on; this does indict that you should steer clear of this area. There are either zombies waiting to eat you, cannibals ready to eat you, packs of wild dogs ready to eat you, or little old grannies ready to eat you. Either way it's a clear sign that you will be dinner and you should probably just leave, quickly and quietly.
5. Always, always find someone that knows really awesome kung fu or some sort of street wise fighting style. At some point your gun (you do have a gun, right?) will run out of ammo right when something horrible is about to happen. Having a buddy that can Matrix the bad guys will save your life at some point.
6. Viruses have a tendency to kill regular old Joe's rather quickly but if it infects a scientist it usually doesn't kill them until after they discover a cure. So perhaps a career change now before the end of the world might be a great idea. Think scientist. Somehow, this protects you from the horrible, wrenching death that kills other people instantly. (Small downside, in a lot of movies they are the ones to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of humanity. Just something to keep in mind.)
7. Do not go to the top of the tallest building in the city and greet the aliens. Offering them signs of peace and hippie music or keyboard notes might not work that well for you. Instant vaporizing is usually the reaction. Try beer and BBQ ribs instead. Maybe a large coffee. I'm sure they're tired after traveling light years across the universe. That or run and let the other idiots be blown up first. Or barter, give them our politicians in exchange for not being laser gunned.
8. Dogs are great pets. They're part of the family but in the movies they will always die. But they will give up their life to protect the family. It will be a noble and honorable affair but they will die. So just be prepared. In the meantime, until their sacrifice, keep them away from other people. Otherwise, they could end up being the BBQ ribs offered to the aliens.(If you have a cat, forget it. He won't save your life. Cats are not loyal and will run away. Maybe keep one around to sacrifice to the aliens, though. Just an idea.)
9. If you are a single guy, you will run into the hottest chick in the entire world and she will want to hang out with you. Not only that, but even if you are the nerdiest dude ever and never left your parent's basement before now, you will get lucky. And she will be so grateful for saving her life that she will even stay with you after the disaster. (I would say that it works the other way around, but apparently in B-rated disaster movies only hot chicks survive. Sorry.)
10. And finally, if the disaster is total global destruction, such as a supernova, when there wouldn't be a solution to solve the problem before the entire human race and every creature on the Earth is annihilated, then at the very last moment when every thing seems lost and hopeless, the scientist, usually the one who brought the problem to every one's attention, slaps his forehead and says "Duh, that big blob on my scientific papers isn't the final equation of the end of the world, it's spilled coffee. I was wrong. The world isn't ending."
And then every thing is just peachy. The characters go home and watch the final episode of Dancing with the Stars and to check out the status of their friends on Facebook.
So, just to wrap things up...Remember, get a cool pick-up truck, find the hot chick, avoid dark places, and don't greet the aliens. And if all that fails, well you better hope Bruce Willis is ready to sacrifice himself on an asteroid for humanity or we're all doomed.
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