Where Art Thou My Leeches? Or What Art Thou AI be saying?

     In the words of Raye, "Where the hell is my husband?" one might find themselves on the Internet searching for the above mentioned future spouse. Today we have access to dating apps galore, swiping until our fingers are sore and we are either closer to finding that elusive fellow or we have given up. Modern dating advice, according to the AI overview states that dating is easier when you focus on communication and shared effort. 

    What? I have to talk to a date? I have to use my words? The AI evens suggests - wait for it...putting down the phones. 

    But wait. With the AI companies buying old books - chopping the spines off and feeding them into their mind machines - we might find advice on the Internet changes. I know a lot of people are focused on the conspiracy side of things regarding destroying old books. I mean it's not like we can't access the material online right? Who needs a physical copy of any text? It's not like they could change something in a book on your Kindle right? And it's not like they're trying to bypass copyright laws and borrow intellectual property, right?

    I want to focus on how advice might change when you shove hundreds of years of human thought into a machine that can't give me the right answers about 15% of the time. (At least of last October- I can't find data that states if that number has gotten better or grown worse in the last year.) I mean, it spreads false reports of celebrity deaths faster than our parents and poor small businesses have AI overviews that state that the reviews for their companies are overwhelmingly negative and then you find that the AI summary has nothing to do with that specific company. 

    But that's not what future and potential customers think. Now, your small coffee shop smells like the inside of a pet store and your coffee was burnt. 

    So back to the dating advice. I found a book from 1880 that gave a list of, "A veritable list of some of the best looking, wealthiest, and most reliable single and marriageable men of the Country, with their post office address." 

    Could you imagine if we add that book to the chopping block? Hey, AI I need to find me a husband? And the overview comes back with, "The best way to find yourself a marriageable man, is to correspond with him through the post office. Letters written back and forth will build a sense of trust and a relationship that is more than a situationship. Here are the addresses of the top ten respectable bachelors in your neighborhood." 

    Well heck that sounds great. Of course, the way the men will be described might be interesting. In the book, they use phases such as "might be mastered by a school mistress, or could be captured by a lady who has domestic tastes." One of my favorites is, "A gentleman of good means, a scholar, and would make a cultivated lady of not more than thirty, happy." 

    So fun in bed, can make a gourmet meal, and doesn't have any wrinkles. Gotta. Some ideas never change. 

    But then just think about the medical advice we could be given. 

    "Hey AI, I have a cough." 

    "Yes, a cough can be a sign of a number of aliments. The first recommendation would be to get some leeches and apply them to your chest. Taking out some of your blood will balance your humors. You can find leeches in bogs and marshes. I can send you some links to purchase leeches if you don't have access to them." 

    "Okay. Well, I also have some bruises. What can I put on them?"

    "Yes, bruises can be painful. Adding a mixture of rhubarb and dried mummy will help alleviate the pain. Dried mummy can be hard to find as it is a restricted item but would you like a link to some possible online stores that advertise having real mummy?"

    "No. I think I'll pop a Tylenol. But I do have some depression going on. What medicines would benefit me?"

    "Oh, yes. I'm sorry to hear you are suffering from 'got the morbs" Some time tested remedies for the meloncholia include taking a preparation of mercury. Specifically, in the form of mercury chloride. Some famous people have successfully used this to treat their sadness, including Abraham Lincoln and Louisa May Alcott." 

    We might have to go back to getting advice from...I was about to say from books. But all the above advice was from books and experts. Which means...the AI isn't incorrect...which means...everything you know might be wrong. Or it might be completely right. 

    I think I'm giving myself a headache. I think I'm going to go wading in the local pond and find myself some leeches and balance out my humors. The remedy has five star reviews from 1700 century doctors on Google. Not sure how they got those reviews - I didn't think they had AI back then. 

    But what do I know? I get my info from the AI overview. 

Objects in the Mirror are Closer or Older than they Appear

     I'm watching new neighbors move into the house across the street. They are almost the same age I was when we moved into our current house. It's moments like this that remind me that time keeps ticking and my hair has more gray in it and there are more wrinkles around my eyes. Oh, listen to me - it's only Monday morning and I'm already throwing myself a pity party. 

    Besides the gray hair, so many things have changed, especially in the last year. 

    My stomach is a map now, a record of my journey in this body. I have stretch marks from three pregnancies that are faded and silver now. I have a line that runs down my midsection from my first surgery for the Crohn's. It's incredibly straight and thin, like the surgeon just painted a fine line on my skin. It curves around my belly button, where apparently I had a belly button hernia, that he said he fixed for free. I do love scoring a deal - buy one surgery get a free hernia repair. 

    I have two small scars from the laparoscopic sites. Since the first surgery was supposed to be laparoscopic and then surprise for the surgeon, it couldn't be. He had to do things the old-fashioned way. "When I was a surgeon, we actually had to touch the intestines with our fingers." 

    He had to take everything out, cut and sew, and put it back. At least that's what I imagine - my intestines carefully laid out next to me, while he cuts and then pieces me back together. I'm sure my guts mostly stayed in my body. I'm almost positive not all my guts were running loose at some point during my six hour nap.  

    I have another three inch scar where he went back in and reversed my stoma. It is a weird sensation to have part of your intestine peeking out of your body. But also, entirety interesting to watch the smooth muscle at work. I had to have the stoma while my intestines healed. Since having Crohn's can be a pain in the ass- pun intended of course - having a stoma wasn't all bad. I didn't have to run to the bathroom. Period. Is this what having a normal set of plumbing feels like? I think I forget that feeling. 

    When we moved into the house, it was... - I'm not sure how to describe it. It's all tied into relationships that weren't healthy. 

    Perhaps that's why I'm constantly trying to sell it and move. Every attempt I have made to ditch the house though, has resulted in failure - obviously, since I'm still here. But maybe part of it was because it is tied into some unhealthy relationship crap and I have found that the universe doesn't always unlock the next map until you fulfill some quest in the current map. 

    Hobbits assemble - we are going on an adventure to live long and prosper. 

    Going back in the time - three years before we bought this house, I had lost my job when my mom lost her business. We were in the process of selling our first home and buying a second one. When she suddenly closed her business we were left in limbo. 

    So we moved in with my parents as a temporary fix. 

    It was only supposed to be temporary. 

    And then husband refused to move. I'm not sure why. I think he had a lot of opinions about moving. I tried to return to work, got pregnant, and then I couldn't work. I was exhausted all the time and could not work.

    Later I would find out my iron was extremely low and it even showed up in my blood work, but the doctor didn't treat it. 

    He did not deliver the third child, by the way. I am a firm believer in firing doctors that don't read your test results properly. 

    Three years go by and I can't get Husband to move. He's perfectly comfortable living in someone else's home with very little responsibility besides going to work. Then my mom, says, "I'm kicking you out. Get a trailer, get an apartment, but you need to leave." 

    Well, shit. 

    I did what I've always done. 

    I fixed the problem.

    Since husband refuses to move if it's a trailer or apartment.

    I get a pre approval. We qualify. But I know we'll only be able to afford payments if I have a home daycare. 

    I find a house that will work for a home daycare.

    And that's the one we buy. 

    The neighbor's moving in remind me of the day I had keys and needed to clean our new house. My mother in law offers to get her nieces to come over and help with the scrub down. 

    I couldn't believe it. My relationship with her was shaky and...toxic. But I wouldn't put that together until years later. 

    The crew arrives. My mother in law, her nieces, and their children. I've always felt on the outside of this group of women. Awkward. Unsure. 

    But I couldn't believe they were here to help. And I needed help. My mom had a chronic pain condition and couldn't help. And Husband was at work. 

    We scrubbed and cleaned. A few times I would walk into the room and they would stop talking but I didn't think anything of it. 

    Then one of their kids caught me alone. 

    "Hey, you know why my mom's helping right?" She says, sassy and full of the gossip. Whatever she was trying to hurt me or get her mom in trouble, I would never know. But her words weren't shared with good intentions. 

    I shook my head, feeling the heaviness settled into my gut. "No, why?"

    She leans in, looking around to make sure her mom and aunts are still downstairs. "They said since you're opening a daycare, they wanted to check the place out. They weren't going to help, but they need a new daycare."

    I nodded numbly, a spray bottle in my hand. Of course, there would be a reason for their help. They had never been friendly or generous before - why would things suddenly change? 

    A little while later, they brought up if I was going to offer transportation with my daycare. I said no, I didn't have the vehicle for it. And then they tried to pressure me into reconsidering it. 

     I firmly said no again. 

    They went back to being unfriendly again. 

    I will go back to trying to solve the side quest I need to finish so I can unlock the next map. 

    

I will talk to the cat of destiny for clues. After his nap.