Reaching the End of the Internet

     I'm currently healing from a second surgery. It's a long story, but it started last August with an unexpected hospital stay. Six days in a private room (only because I got lucky and no one showed up to take the second bed), a tube up the nose - because that's like a spa treatment, right? And I got to wear stylish hospital gowns that never seem to completely cover the ass. I also got an Uber to the hospital. Whoops, I mean an ambulance ride. And they are not as comfortable as you think they are. They are bumpy and bouncy and disorienting. Also, the severe bowel obstruction I was suffering from was messing with my brain - because when the paramedic claimed he also had Crohn's. I called him a liar. More than once. 

    Since I usually don't go around calling people liars (out loud)...I'm blaming the life-threatening build up of lactic acid in my bloodstream. 

    Nothing signals to the Crohn's to do something incredibly stupid like actually starting a new job - a full-time job with a signed contract. And that's what I was doing. I was in the second week of new teacher training. Since being a real estate agent hadn't worked out. (Oh, yeah. Your girl here has spent the last five years getting completely off track. Like so far off track - there is no track. I'm just trying to man that train down a grassy hill and it's not working out well. My guardians angels have taken up smoking and drinking just to deal. I can't even blame this on COVID. But wouldn't that be nice. I would love to blame it on something I had no control over. Like the schools blaming the falling test scores on COVID and then you start teaching and realize that the kids are addicted to their devices.) 

    Anyway, enough about that. Lets talk about reaching the end of the internet. I swear - there's an end. I even found it. I reached a video that told me. It said, "You have reached the end of the internet. Take off your shoes, have some tea and look at this cute cat." Well, I'm thinking they put that video at the end so you know you've ran out of internet to look at. And you know it's true, because it was a video of a cat and aren't cat videos the whole reason the internet was invented?

    But before I reached that point, I also learned so many other things like: Five signs I'm Married to a Narcissist? But also a video about Five Signs that I might be a Narcissist? What happened to taking a Buzzfeed quiz to figure your relationship out?

    Also, I know exactly what ten businesses I should invest in next year. But also what ten businesses I shouldn't invest in. Just ignore the fact that some of the businesses are on both lists. That doesn't matter, because if I'm bad ass enough - I can out-business anyone. Or is that out-gym anyone? I have learned to train with my cycle, against my cycle, and also don't lift weights at all. But also, lift weights because you don't want to fall and not be able to get up, right?

    I know I should eat just a carnivore diet. But also, if I want to live to a 100 years I should eat like those Blue people on Islands do. But they also smoke and drink. Should I pick up a vice? 

    Also, rice paper is the new cooking trend this summer. Which I did fall for and tried. And it's actually really delicious. So we'll let that one go. 

    But that might change next week because they turned CERN off and you know. Well, if you know, you know. Right? Wink, wink. Can't wait until they turn it back on and we debate what has changed in the Mandela effect. But I do know that Fruit of the Loom had a different logo at some point, someone died in prison and then didn't die, and also all the movie quotes are incorrect apparently. 'Luke, I'm your father is or isn't correct?' Wait until they turn CERN back on and it's 'Luke, I'm your mom and you better get your ass down here.' 

    I also started watching Jeopardy during my recovery and sometimes the contestants give half names for answers. Well, when I was child, I remembered only full names could be given for an answer. So it must be the Mandela effect, because I can't be wrong. 

    I have learned that I'm not doing enough with my life without following someone with the word BOSS in their name. But I also learned that I'm not too much because I'm apparently a f*cking colorful gremlin with sparkly unicorn powers or something with dragon fire or swords. I'm not sure.  I started following an Asian woman who promised to be my Asian mom, but three videos in I realized I already disappointed her. But she never met my mom, who wasn't Asian, but was a tiny blond German woman. Doesn't sound scary but one time I got a C in music in 3rd grade and I thought the world ended. 

    I learned the secrets to training crows to attack my neighbors, how to earn six figures in two months but they swear it's not drop shipping or a pyramid scheme. I only need to pay for the $99.99 course for them to reveal the secrets. It feels a little Dave Ramsey, who also got rich by telling people to eat rice and beans. I would like to know how many beans he ate. 

    Did I tell you if you act now - they will throw in a free PDF to the secrets of earning seven figures or how to fight the world government - it just depends on what side of the internet you end up on. Just comment whatever magic word they command and the secrets of the universe will be yours. 

    I have discovered the cure for my Crohn's. Basically, I think I need to strip naked, find a mud hole, which around here would be dangerous - it might be cow muck - and do a moon ceremony while reciting the alphabet backwards. But also, apparently, it's all in my head and if I just believe enough it will go away. Or the aliens will beam me up and cure me with their magic powers. I guess those surgeries were unnecessary - if only I had discovered the internet sooner. 

    If you made it this far - well, you're also ready to delve into the internet until you get to the end. I have discovered cats waiting for you and some old man, that says it's the end of the internet and now I can sit on the porch with him. I think I'll pass on that one. 

    But anyway, good luck. I know next time you come back you will have six figures in your bank account, have an army of trained crow assassins at your command, and will have BOSS in your name. 

    In the meantime, I'm signing off the internet to go pet a real cat. It's better than touching grass. Unless you're allergic. Then go touch grass. But not too much because I saw a video about grass and....

    

    

    

Making Mistakes or you know, it's Motherhood

     In the small town next to our small town, we have a gluten free bakery. It's tucked away in a plaza that shares space with the local sanitary district, an occasional used car salesman and various other businesses that survive for six months and then blow away with the constant prairie wind. 

    Years ago I went to a church housed in one of the bigger office spaces. I don't remember much except they had made a spaghetti dinner for after the service and it didn't smell that great. Now, I have been to many a church function and some of those church ladies, they know how to make a spread. This was not one of them. But it was significantly better than the fundraiser I visited this spring inside a church and the church ladies had made boiled hot dogs. Do you know the color of a boiled hot dog? LOL - not a natural one and Baby Blueberry had to have one. 

    Now, to catch up new readers, I must say that Baby Blueberry is no longer a baby, but instead is a teenager. And if you're a reader from the start, then if you feel old, imagine how I feel? I don't feel old until I realize that my surprise baby from a pregnancy in my mid-thirties is now a teenager. This is why poets and songwriters make art about time slipping into the unknown. It is the most elusive element in science. 

    But I digress, as I often do, even in real time conversations. My best friend from when I was a teenager, we will call her SB, often joked about how we would bird walk in our conversations. When I moved half way across country, we were pen pals for a while and then it slowly died out. I missed her. Sometimes there's nothing as intense as a teenage best friend, besides maybe first love. A couple of years ago I started to get the intense urge to look her up. I would dream about her. She would pop into my head uninvited. 

    And so I looked her up. Her obit was the third down on the search. She had died just shortly before that of cancer. At 43. Grief is hard. Regret of not connecting again before she was gone is harder. 

    She had ended up being a fifth grade teacher. Something she had adamantly said she would never be. And now, I'm teaching fifth grade. Also, something I had said I would never do either. I wish we could joke about that. She would enjoy the irony in it. 

    But again I digress and now we go back to the bakery. This bakery is a must visit if you ever come to my area of the world. The baker has worked countless hours to make goods that taste delicious. Not it's pretty good for gluten free, but actually yummy. And so the other day I had the Husband, who does not get the moniker Hero Hottie anymore, because that relationship is in murky waters, pick up two blueberry lemon muffins. One for Baby Blueberry and one for me. 

    I did not eat it that day. I'm recovering from the second of two major abdominal surgeries - thank you Crohn's- and was not hungry yet. 

    The next day I went to get it out of the fridge and I find one muffin with the delicious and best part of the muffin - the top munched by someone else. I started crying and fuming. How could someone eat my muffin? I angrily toss it in the air fryer and ate the bottom of my muffin. 

    A little while later...Baby Blueberry is searching through the fridge, pulls out a whole muffin, not touched and munched and asks, "Where is my muffin? I was saving the bottom of it to eat later." 

    I stare at the untouched blueberry muffin and then look at her. I look back at the muffin and realized that I had grabbed her saved muffin. I sigh. 

    I tell her what happened and then offer my whole, untouched muffin in return. It does seem rather petty to demand the top of the muffin. The best part. The part she now gets to have two of, but I graciously offer my muffin to her. 

    She shared a bit of it, since she realized I didn't get a whole muffin. But man, I really missed eating my entire treat. So the mistake I mentioned in the title - you thought it would be me confessing to some mistake with my child? No, it's the mistake of grabbing the wrong treat in the fridge, believing someone had taken mine, not bothering to look further because if I had, I would have found it, and then missing out of the best part of the muffin. 

    If only I could have hidden my muffin in my secret chocolate stash in my underwear drawer. I used to hide the chocolate in the cupboard, but they - the children - found it. So it had to go where no child is going to search - their Mom's underwear drawer. 

    Anyway, that is how good those bakery treats are - that I wrote a blog about a missing muffin top. Maybe I should put that in a Google review? 

 And also, having treats and kids is the definition of a paradox. 

Divine Signs in the Sky or Maybe it's Just Science...But Also, Mom sends me rainbows

 My mom sends rainbows. They are little gifts that show up randomly. 

    According to the internet, most places will experience a rainbow less than six times a year. So out of 365 days - not really that many chances to see one. 

    Then you think about how many days of the years are full of sunshine - in my location over 200 days and the odds grow smaller. 

    And then for you skeptics out there - rainbows are a natural occurring phenomenon and can not be sent by our deceased loved ones. 

    But what if they could be?

    What if the world is this wonderful blend of the science we've learned and the divine just on the other side? And what if sometimes that rainbow, or that song on the radio, or that butterfly landing on you is the bridge between here and there?

    Just a whisper. An invisible thread like gossamer. Where you can only see it when the Light shines just right. 

    My mom loved rainbows. They made her happy and I completely regret not asking her why. Did the colors soothe her soul? Was it just a flash of color that brightened her day? Or was it her link to her ancestors and their whispered encouragements? Did she feel the same tug I do now when I spot a rainbow arching across the stormy gray clouds in turbulent skies and shimmering behind big, fat droplets of water?

    One of the first rainbows came on December 24th, 2020. Her blue heeler had already been sick and old when she passed in March that year. And when my mom was dying, I promised her I would take care of my dad and her dog. That holiday, my dad decided to visit his siblings. He needed to get away. The first Christmas without is a lost feeling. You can try to decorate it and wrap it in pretty paper, but the box is empty underneath the bow. 

    He left the blue heeler with me.

    And when he brought her in - he had to carry her inside the house. She was already ready to go. 

    I didn't want to be responsible for this.    

    I just prayed she made it until he got back. 

    She would not. 

    The day before Christmas Eve, I called him and explained as gently as I could...

    She has to go in. It's just too much to wait. 

    He said call him in the morning.    

    And I did. And so before the girls woke up on Christmas Eve morning, while the house was quiet and decorated with a tree and lights...

    The husband gently carried her to the back of the car - and laid her on her dog bed which we had set back there to make her journey comfortable and soft. 

    We drove her to the vet and sat with her while she left this earthy plane to join my mom. 

    And when we walked into the parking lot, there was a full color rainbow in the winter sky. Just in the clouds. No storm. No rain. 

    Just a rainbow. With colors. 

    And as we drove home...the rainbow ended up being over our house. 

    Over our house. A rainbow in winter. 

    And I bawled. 

    And my mom didn't seem so far away. 

Actual photo of the rainbow on that winter morning.