Well, I was going to share my resolutions for this year, which happens to be the year of Doomsday but those damn zombies ate them.
I'll try to remember them. Let's see.... It's 2012. Should I even bother with resolutions? After all, the Mayans have said we're all going to die. Doesn't seem to be much point in making a list that I'll fail to keep after three weeks anyway?
Did I say three weeks? Mmmm, that's hopeful. I think my track record for resolutions made in the gloomiest month of year happens to be as accurate as Harold Camping's predictions of the end of the world. You know he's just trying to steal the Mayan's thunder. :)
But boy, it's 2012 and the Internet is buzzing with more ways to die in the end of the world than any Hollywood script writer could imagine. Perhaps they should borrow some ideas from some of these sites, because no offense to John Cusack; but I'm not depending on him to save me during the end of the world.
First of all...his only claim to fame is just simply being in the right place at the right time. He knows to flee, in a borrowed limo (give me an awesome pick up truck from the zombie movies), then the step-dad happens to be a pilot and his employer happens to have tickets and so on and so forth. Everyone around him dies horribly but he's just that lucky.
Like I'm that lucky? Nope, I'll be sucked down into the bowels of the Earth.
And then my second point; if you're the step-Dad you're going to die. Because John has to get back together with the ex-wife in this strange new world where only the ultra rich have survived.
That's seems about right.
I had a discussion about this. If you had to choose between John Cusack or Bruce Willis to save you from the end of the world, who would you pick? I think I'm going to post that on my Facebook page and see who wins.
My vote: Bruce Willis featuring Aerosmith -because you need a good rock song to accompany the end of the world.
Heck, I would pick Frodo over John Cusack. :)
Boy, all this talk of 2012 is starting to scare me. Ohh, I'm scared now.
No, not really. Because if I made it through Y2K than I think I can make it through the end of the Mayan's calendar. Did anyone wonder if they didn't just run out of stone to carve on?
Or better yet...
"Hey, boss. Do you know what would be funny?" The bored, underfed stone carver asks.
"Joe, get back to work, no one's asking you to be funny." The supervisor snarls.
So Joe, not being especially bright, plots revenge. He's going to carve the end of the world into the calendar. Ha, that will show the boss. Wait until he gets scared and trembling because the end of the world is going to happen.
Funny joke Joe. But now at least people are showing interest in other cultures, like the Mayans.
In the meantime, I should at least make a New Year resolution to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse. Never thought P90X would come in handy to get in shape so I can run away from the zombies. Thank you Tony Horton, do you know how many people you're helping reach their 'Escape the Zombies' resolutions.
I need to purchase a pair of Velcro tennis shoes. Forget the laces, do I want to be tipping on untied shoelaces while the hoard of brain eating zombies are chasing me? Not a chance.
Throw a bag together of some shotguns and chainsaws and I should be ready. There, now that's a New Year Resolution I can keep...preparing for the zombies.
And I'll start practicing on my weekly shopping trips to Wal-Mart...Where I happened to see a zombie the other day, seriously. She was dressed in old, dirty sweatpants and a big, grimy t-shirt. Her greasy, thin hair was matted down on the back of her skull and she walked in that laborious fashion of the zombie while nonsense words grunted from her lips. She wasn't mentally handicapped, otherwise I wouldn't be joking about it, she was just that uninterested in being human. Her cart was loaded with the worse processed food you can find and I have to start wondering if junk food isn't just food made specially for zombies.
Wal-Mart; the birthplace of the zombie apocalypse...I'm sure of it.
But joking aside, I hope if anyone purchased a yearly calendar that they asked for a discount since the end of the world is on December 21st. I wouldn't want to pay for an extra week. That also means I should plan on celebrating Christmas early. I would hate to get the tree up, the stockings hung and all the presents wrapped and not have time to enjoy a few pieces of pie before either we're hit by a huge asteroid, or the Earth does a shift on its axis thingy, or Wal-Mart is out of brains.
Hey, I know what my New Year Resolution should be...getting Bruce Willis' number on speed dial. Just in case it's death by asteroid.
That's sounds like a new board game. 'Clue- the 2012 edition'
Is it death by asteroid, zombie apocalypse, mutant virus, or city falling into the Earth?
Or even worse, death by overdose on Facebook?
As long as the zombies don't come after me I'm wishing everyone a Happy New Year!!!
Showing posts with label Bruce Willis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bruce Willis. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Ten Tips for Surviving the End of the World (B Rated Movie Style)
Since we're inching closer to 2012 with every passing day; cable channels seem obsessed with showing B- rated doomsday movies and documentaries on people that have predicted the future after the fact. Add the daily news; which is filled with wars, massive crop failures, natural disasters and 'safe' doses of radiation to the mix and I think we could all use ten tips to survive the coming years.
(This is a satire piece. I'm not an expert in surviving zombie attacks or supernovas and shouldn't be taken too seriously.)
1. In an event of a global extinction event, such as asteroids, fire balls, solar flares, etc. above all else stay away from national icons. They are always, no matter what, the first things to be destroyed. If you're in France, stay away from the Eiffel Tower, it will be wiped out. At the Taj Mahal, forget it. Mt. Rushmore, buy a postcard and leave. And if you are in San Francisco, please, please don't go on The Golden Gate Bridge...unless you like to swim.
2. Find the biggest, newest truck you can to make your escape in. In B-rated movies, the survivors always drive the coolest pick-up trucks.(No one drives away in little tiny Volkswagen bugs.)Trucks make you look awesome as you're fleeing for your life. The only downside is that they use up a huge amount of valuable gas. But bonus point; you can run over zombies with them.
3. There is no reason to skip putting on your make up, styling your hair or shaving. People in doomsday scenarios always look good, even after they haven't taken a shower or brushed their teeth in over two weeks and they left all their personal hygiene supplies at home, in the rubble. First impressions are still important and you don't want to be mistaken for a zombie or a bad guy. (for some odd reason bad guys in these movies always look gross and oily, but never use this as a guide; contrary to what you've learned in movies)
4. During the end of the world, lights still work on the street, in buildings, in abandoned stores full of food and at gas stations with working pumps. But if they aren't turned on; this does indict that you should steer clear of this area. There are either zombies waiting to eat you, cannibals ready to eat you, packs of wild dogs ready to eat you, or little old grannies ready to eat you. Either way it's a clear sign that you will be dinner and you should probably just leave, quickly and quietly.
5. Always, always find someone that knows really awesome kung fu or some sort of street wise fighting style. At some point your gun (you do have a gun, right?) will run out of ammo right when something horrible is about to happen. Having a buddy that can Matrix the bad guys will save your life at some point.
6. Viruses have a tendency to kill regular old Joe's rather quickly but if it infects a scientist it usually doesn't kill them until after they discover a cure. So perhaps a career change now before the end of the world might be a great idea. Think scientist. Somehow, this protects you from the horrible, wrenching death that kills other people instantly. (Small downside, in a lot of movies they are the ones to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of humanity. Just something to keep in mind.)
7. Do not go to the top of the tallest building in the city and greet the aliens. Offering them signs of peace and hippie music or keyboard notes might not work that well for you. Instant vaporizing is usually the reaction. Try beer and BBQ ribs instead. Maybe a large coffee. I'm sure they're tired after traveling light years across the universe. That or run and let the other idiots be blown up first. Or barter, give them our politicians in exchange for not being laser gunned.
8. Dogs are great pets. They're part of the family but in the movies they will always die. But they will give up their life to protect the family. It will be a noble and honorable affair but they will die. So just be prepared. In the meantime, until their sacrifice, keep them away from other people. Otherwise, they could end up being the BBQ ribs offered to the aliens.(If you have a cat, forget it. He won't save your life. Cats are not loyal and will run away. Maybe keep one around to sacrifice to the aliens, though. Just an idea.)
9. If you are a single guy, you will run into the hottest chick in the entire world and she will want to hang out with you. Not only that, but even if you are the nerdiest dude ever and never left your parent's basement before now, you will get lucky. And she will be so grateful for saving her life that she will even stay with you after the disaster. (I would say that it works the other way around, but apparently in B-rated disaster movies only hot chicks survive. Sorry.)
10. And finally, if the disaster is total global destruction, such as a supernova, when there wouldn't be a solution to solve the problem before the entire human race and every creature on the Earth is annihilated, then at the very last moment when every thing seems lost and hopeless, the scientist, usually the one who brought the problem to every one's attention, slaps his forehead and says "Duh, that big blob on my scientific papers isn't the final equation of the end of the world, it's spilled coffee. I was wrong. The world isn't ending."
And then every thing is just peachy. The characters go home and watch the final episode of Dancing with the Stars and to check out the status of their friends on Facebook.
So, just to wrap things up...Remember, get a cool pick-up truck, find the hot chick, avoid dark places, and don't greet the aliens. And if all that fails, well you better hope Bruce Willis is ready to sacrifice himself on an asteroid for humanity or we're all doomed.
(This is a satire piece. I'm not an expert in surviving zombie attacks or supernovas and shouldn't be taken too seriously.)
1. In an event of a global extinction event, such as asteroids, fire balls, solar flares, etc. above all else stay away from national icons. They are always, no matter what, the first things to be destroyed. If you're in France, stay away from the Eiffel Tower, it will be wiped out. At the Taj Mahal, forget it. Mt. Rushmore, buy a postcard and leave. And if you are in San Francisco, please, please don't go on The Golden Gate Bridge...unless you like to swim.
2. Find the biggest, newest truck you can to make your escape in. In B-rated movies, the survivors always drive the coolest pick-up trucks.(No one drives away in little tiny Volkswagen bugs.)Trucks make you look awesome as you're fleeing for your life. The only downside is that they use up a huge amount of valuable gas. But bonus point; you can run over zombies with them.
3. There is no reason to skip putting on your make up, styling your hair or shaving. People in doomsday scenarios always look good, even after they haven't taken a shower or brushed their teeth in over two weeks and they left all their personal hygiene supplies at home, in the rubble. First impressions are still important and you don't want to be mistaken for a zombie or a bad guy. (for some odd reason bad guys in these movies always look gross and oily, but never use this as a guide; contrary to what you've learned in movies)
4. During the end of the world, lights still work on the street, in buildings, in abandoned stores full of food and at gas stations with working pumps. But if they aren't turned on; this does indict that you should steer clear of this area. There are either zombies waiting to eat you, cannibals ready to eat you, packs of wild dogs ready to eat you, or little old grannies ready to eat you. Either way it's a clear sign that you will be dinner and you should probably just leave, quickly and quietly.
5. Always, always find someone that knows really awesome kung fu or some sort of street wise fighting style. At some point your gun (you do have a gun, right?) will run out of ammo right when something horrible is about to happen. Having a buddy that can Matrix the bad guys will save your life at some point.
6. Viruses have a tendency to kill regular old Joe's rather quickly but if it infects a scientist it usually doesn't kill them until after they discover a cure. So perhaps a career change now before the end of the world might be a great idea. Think scientist. Somehow, this protects you from the horrible, wrenching death that kills other people instantly. (Small downside, in a lot of movies they are the ones to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of humanity. Just something to keep in mind.)
7. Do not go to the top of the tallest building in the city and greet the aliens. Offering them signs of peace and hippie music or keyboard notes might not work that well for you. Instant vaporizing is usually the reaction. Try beer and BBQ ribs instead. Maybe a large coffee. I'm sure they're tired after traveling light years across the universe. That or run and let the other idiots be blown up first. Or barter, give them our politicians in exchange for not being laser gunned.
8. Dogs are great pets. They're part of the family but in the movies they will always die. But they will give up their life to protect the family. It will be a noble and honorable affair but they will die. So just be prepared. In the meantime, until their sacrifice, keep them away from other people. Otherwise, they could end up being the BBQ ribs offered to the aliens.(If you have a cat, forget it. He won't save your life. Cats are not loyal and will run away. Maybe keep one around to sacrifice to the aliens, though. Just an idea.)
9. If you are a single guy, you will run into the hottest chick in the entire world and she will want to hang out with you. Not only that, but even if you are the nerdiest dude ever and never left your parent's basement before now, you will get lucky. And she will be so grateful for saving her life that she will even stay with you after the disaster. (I would say that it works the other way around, but apparently in B-rated disaster movies only hot chicks survive. Sorry.)
10. And finally, if the disaster is total global destruction, such as a supernova, when there wouldn't be a solution to solve the problem before the entire human race and every creature on the Earth is annihilated, then at the very last moment when every thing seems lost and hopeless, the scientist, usually the one who brought the problem to every one's attention, slaps his forehead and says "Duh, that big blob on my scientific papers isn't the final equation of the end of the world, it's spilled coffee. I was wrong. The world isn't ending."
And then every thing is just peachy. The characters go home and watch the final episode of Dancing with the Stars and to check out the status of their friends on Facebook.
So, just to wrap things up...Remember, get a cool pick-up truck, find the hot chick, avoid dark places, and don't greet the aliens. And if all that fails, well you better hope Bruce Willis is ready to sacrifice himself on an asteroid for humanity or we're all doomed.
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