Gibson Ate Santa

      If you don't receive any presents from Santa this year- it's probably Gibson's fault. The photo evidence is clear- Santa's hat in the mouth of  a puppy that chews everything.

       I'm pretty sure I saw a jolly happy fellow running for his life as Gibson chased down the reindeer.
    
        Yep, I doubt Santa will be delivering in my neighborhood ever again. Sorry children. It was the puppy.
    
        Gibson probably just wanted to be friends with the reindeer and he probably only wanted Santa to pet him and let him sit on his lap because no matter how big this dog grows, he literally thinks he's a lap dog and will smother you with affection. Or he's trying to prevent you from getting up, I'm not sure which yet.
     But I know for sure what Gibson wanted from Santa's sleigh....the toys. He loves toys. He chews them and tears them apart and sometimes when he eats too many of them he pukes them back up too.
   
     Today he has chewed and ate three jumbo crayons, the handle to my hairbrush, mini candy canes, and two gardening gloves- unfortunately not two gloves of the same pair, but two gloves from two different pairs, making both of them unusable.

   I saw this photo posted to Facebook and had to share it. My problem with dealing with Gibson is because I'm not thinking like a puppy. Like duh!
   

    So see, he wasn't trying to be mean to Santa. He was protecting us. Just like he barks at the squirrels that run around in the pine tree right above his leash and torment him. But if he stopped barking those murderous squirrels would surely descend from the trees, invade our house and eat us all alive. Gibson knows this.
    So he keeps barking...everyday...all the time...because he's saving us. 

    Wow, I should appreciate him more.

     Same reason he barks at the neighbors...they're obviously murderous. And the postman...and all of the girls' friends...

     But I have to say the puppy and Baby Blueberry work well together. The other night, I turn around and she's dipping a calculator in the Christmas tree water.
    Dip. Dunk. Dip. Shake it out. Dunk it some more...all of it.
    I sighed and shook my head. Who needs a calculator? 
    We left for a couple of hours and when we returned there was electronic parts scattered around the room.
   A circuit board. Rubber numbers. Wires.
   The front of the destroyed calculator.
   I had to laugh at that one. At least he had chewed apart something that had already been completely destroyed by the Baby just a few hours before.
   They're such a great team.

   So we finally got our tree decorated. It's only decorated from the top up. It's naked from the top down. We knew between the human baby and the canine baby we would lose ornaments by the dozen if we put them too close to small fingers and sharp teeth.

     I also set up the Nativity way up high and the rest of the house is sadly lacking any Christmas decorations. Why risk it, all that shiny stuff surely looks delicious! ---for Baby Blueberry and Gibson.

    We bought Gibson a huge ham bone and training treats for Christmas, but we had thought about getting him a new home.
       Gibson doesn't know it yet but he has New Years Resolutions. Like no chewing, no biting, no jumping, better listening, no chasing Santa, and oh, just behaving in general.
       
       Perhaps Santa will drop off a dog trainer!
   

Don't Touch the Tiger or He Will Bite You

    A few weeks ago Abu had her turn as Star of the Week in her third grade classroom. This was something each student looks forward to...their chance to 'shine' and share with their classmates who they are.
   
   They have to fill out a form of questions, such as 'what are your favorite books, movies, shows, etc.' It asks for hobbies and your favorite subject in school. They can also bring in photos and toys that they want to share. Think of it as a non digital Facebook.

    She carefully read each question, concentrating hard as she wrote her answers. Then we went through my vast collection of digital photos and she picked out which ones she wanted made into prints. Finally she picked out three stuffed animals, not her absolute favorites but runner ups.
    "Mom, I can't be without Candy Cane and Alaska for a week. A whole week. And they have to stay in that classroom all by themselves." She shudders, hugging her most favorite toys to her chest. They are both puppies and always in her arms when she falls asleep...or she doesn't go to sleep.
     I nodded in complete understanding. "So you want to take two other puppies and Hanson?"
    "Hanson is huge." She says, looking at the large tiger she won at last year's States Fair. Not only had this tiny eight year old won one of the biggest prizes at the Fair, she accomplished it in just two throws and three bucks.
   
     If you want to see a carnival guy sweat...allow him to think that your sweet eight year is a protege in baseball. Don't tell him that the best two throws she has ever taken in her entire life, just happen to land in his - perfectly tilted buckets so the balls bounce out of them-  ball game. Abu was ecstatic as she lugged that toy around, grinning every time the adults with their small prizes would stare at her or ask her how she won it.
    Of course, we had to ignore the calls from the carnival guys...they kept trying to convince her to come play again and perhaps she would win a bigger prize...but she would have to risk losing the tiger.
    Smart kid...she would hug her tiger really tight and tell them no.


    On the day we were supposed to drop off the items, she desperately wanted me to make a sign for Hanson.
    "Mom, we have to make a sign for around Hanson's neck." She's flying frantically around the living room, trying to convince me that we have time to do this in the one minute we had left until it time to leave for school.
     The look on her face was pleading and sad and coming from Abu is always hard to resist.
    "Oh, right. What does it need to say?" I asked, quickly digging some cardboard out of the recycling and cutting a piece down to a square. I found an extra piece of string and made a necklace so it would hang around his neck. Then I took out my Sharpie. It's amazing how fast a Mom can move when she has to.
     "Write: Don't Touch the Tiger or He Would Bite You."
     I laughed. "A warning, huh? Good idea. We don't want any of your classmates getting hurt."
    She went to school with a huge smile on her face.

    I helped her carry her items into the classroom. And then as I'm looking at them I realize what she has done.
    Abu is many things. She's sweet and kind. She's smart but has to work hard to achieve it. She likes to have fun but is always concerned about other people.
    And she has a quiet but creative sense of humor.
    All the items she brought...I realized she picked to make other people laugh. To bring them joy. Her answers on her form were all on the funny side, like 'What is your favorite subject?'
     "Recess." She answers.

    Her photos were all about being funny. There's one with Bean making faces at the camera and wagging her finger at it. Another with Buddy howling with her Daddy. There's a photo with her pretending to attack Bean and another with her toothbrush sticking out her mouth.

    She picked photos of having fun in the snow. And goofy photos with her cousins and her uncle. There's a photo of her wearing these huge glasses with wacky eyes painted on them.

   And then of course, there's Hanson, the fierce tiger with a handmade sign hanging around his neck warning people not to touch him or he might bite.

    "Did you pick the funny things on purpose, Abu?" I whisper quietly to her.
    She grins at me. "Mom, I like to make people laugh."
    Translation: I like to make people happy.

     Hanson was quite the hit and every day for the entire week she was Star of the Week, she brought home stories of the other students making jokes about trying to touch the tiger and not getting bit. Each story was accompanied by an Abu grin. And apparently they all loved the wacky photos too. If her goal was to make people laugh, she certainty succeeded.
    
    She certainty reminded me that spreading joy and happiness is free and easy. You just have to find the goofy in life. It's all around us, we just have to find it. Just go back to the time when Recess was your favorite subject and wacky glasses were fun to wear.
    Then you have it...spreading joy...Abu style. :) 

Life on Hold but Changes Keep a Coming

   First of all, how am I suppose to keep up with all the changes in my life from my comfy spot on the couch? I feel like a spectator at this point instead of a participant---and it's only day thirteen of my modified bed rest.
    I should at least have a concession stand close by to purchase popcorn. :)

    I'm managing my life by phone, email and Facebook. It's a chaotic mess. I'll like to say I have it all under control. I'm sitting in the command seat with my computer, my phone and my schedule book and it all looks rosy.

   Oh, boy. Can kids survive off French fries every night for dinner for a month or two? It's a veggie right? I'll even buy the 'healthy' fries. Maybe we should switch to carrot sticks at least.

    Bean and Abu need brand new tights for their upcoming dance recital and of course I haven't figured out a way to get down to the dance wear store and purchase them. I could probably send Hero Hottie if he wasn't working so much but will he come back with the correct tights? Their dance school is picky. They have to wear a certain shade of pink or they won't be setting foot on that stage. Sounds strict and it is. Their teacher isn't crazy like the "dance teachers" on that stupid 'Dance Moms' show. She just a professional ballerina. She expects her students to be just as professional. And that's why Bean and Abu are enrolled there. I want them to reach for high (but not ridiculously soul crushing) expectations and they receive that at their dance studio.
    But I'm diverting from my original point.
    The problem I could have by waiting too long- they will run out of the sizes I need. Since they're the only place that sales exactly what I need you can see where this might cause a small problem.
    Countdown to two weeks before the show and I decide that I better call the store and see if they will put them to the side if I explain my problem. One great thing about living in a small town and dealing with a local business store is that they're usually super helpful and it was no problem at all to put the tights aside until someone can pick them up.
    Try doing that at Wal-Mart or Target. :)

   At least PTO stuff is easy to accomplish. I write a check and either send it in the mail, have someone pick it up, or give it to Bean to take to school and give to a teacher. 
    Another thing I needed help with; clothes shopping. Bean and Abu desperately needed new swimsuits for a field trip next week and since I can't walk around that long trying to find the perfect suit I called my mother in law to take them around for the afternoon. I sent them money and hoped for the best.
    Word of advice though. If you allow a ten and eight year to take their own money to the mall and Grandma is already paying for extra clothes beyond what Mom sent with them- they probably won't spend it on what you want them to. Of course, it's their money and I understand that but with that being said I don't want them spending twenty bucks of their money at the CANDY STORE.
   They came back with zombie brain soda (is this made out of zombie brains or will it turn you into a zombie?), gummy sharks and gummy peachy penguins. Abu came back with a giant orange gummy bear as big as the palm of her hand. It will take her a month to eat it.
   They are thrilled. Never have they had so much candy in their possession at one time. They can't stop talking about the candy store. I think they have asked every kid they know if they have been to the candy store at the mall. It's their fascination, their obsession, their favorite thing right now. I suppose they think I kept them candy deprived all these years.
   Which I have because it's not great for them and Abu is diabetic. But it's not to say we don't buy candy and we have even brought candy at the mall before. But it's not the same as spending over twenty bucks on big bags of candy at one time.
    Oh, well. I've read in financial columns that you should allow your kids a bit of money they can waste so they learn by the time they're adults that perhaps spending twenty bucks at the candy store is not a smart financial decision.

    But on the plus side of the shopping trip- the girls had a wonderful time with Grandma. I had a chance to rest without dealing with bored and bickering kids because we couldn't go do anything on a nice day and they had a chance to pick out outfits that maybe I would have steered them away from. Usually I show them which shelves or stands we can afford and let them pick from there. It's a nasty budget thing. But their Grandma is great and she tends to make a big sweeping motion of the entire store and say, "Lets shop."
   The outfits the girls came back are so grown up and stylish. And they are happy to have such delightfully new clothes for summer. And they're looking so grown up.

  All and all, we're surviving the chaos. I'm bored, the girls are a bit poorer and we will be tired of French fries and breakfast items by the time the baby's born.
  But,  I do have to say, Bean bought me a chocolate bar with her own money. And I can't complain about chocolate. :)
 

Facebook Fantasies

    If you start dreaming about Facebook does that mean you need to get away from your computer more often?
    I avoided joining for the longest time, not wanting to add another computer related addiction to my list but I finally succumbed to peer pressure and added my personal life to the Internet. I don't spend a lot of time on there....no, really...only twice a day. 
    But now Facebook has invaded my dreams...

    In my dream I was at the grocery store when suddenly I turn the corner and Wham!! Right in my face is a very muscular Ryan Reynolds without his shirt on. ---Please, no Freudian analyzing here. We're focusing on the Facebook part of the dream, not the running into a hot shirtless man while performing mundane tasks.---
   
    I swoon. "I've been a fan since you were in that pizza sitcom." (I hope I don't giggle like that in real life.)
    He smiles, the fluorescent lighting reflects hotly off his toned muscles.
  
      "And I totally think the critics shouldn't have been so hard on you in the Green Lantern. You were awesome in it." 
    "Thanks." He says. And since this is my dream he is not totally creep out by my sad attempt of celebrity stalking.
   
  "And I would totally go home with you. After all Scarlett is an idiot." I bat my eyelashes at him. What? I didn't really just say that did I? I mean he's cute and all but still....Something has seriously muddled my brain.
    He grins smugly as any male would at such an offer.
    "Well," he says, "How about we become Facebook friends?"
   
     "OMG. Really?" I swoon some more, not even feeling rejected that he has politely turned me down.
      "Yeah. And not my fan page. I mean my real Facebook page."
     "You would be my Facebook buddy?" I nearly scream with excitement.
     "Sure."

     The next thing I know, he's on my tiny list of Facebook friends and everyone is insanely jealous.

     Oh, Facebook what have you done to me?

    When I tell Hero Hottie my dream he just rolls his eyes and asks, "Ryan Reynolds, really???"

     "Hey, don't dis him. In my dreams we're Facebook friends."

Ten Tips for Surviving the End of the World (B Rated Movie Style)

Since we're inching closer to 2012 with every passing day; cable channels seem obsessed with showing B- rated doomsday movies and documentaries on people that have predicted the future after the fact. Add the daily news; which is filled with wars, massive crop failures, natural disasters and 'safe' doses of radiation to the mix and I think we could all use ten tips to survive the coming years.
(This is a satire piece. I'm not an expert in surviving zombie attacks or supernovas and shouldn't be taken too seriously.)

1. In an event of a global extinction event, such as asteroids, fire balls, solar flares, etc. above all else stay away from national icons. They are always, no matter what, the first things to be destroyed. If you're in France, stay away from the Eiffel Tower, it will be wiped out. At the Taj Mahal, forget it. Mt. Rushmore, buy a postcard and leave. And if you are in San Francisco, please, please don't go on The Golden Gate Bridge...unless you like to swim.

2. Find the biggest, newest truck you can to make your escape in. In B-rated movies, the survivors always drive the coolest pick-up trucks.(No one drives away in little tiny Volkswagen bugs.)Trucks make you look awesome as you're fleeing for your life. The only downside is that they use up a huge amount of valuable gas. But bonus point; you can run over zombies with them.

3. There is no reason to skip putting on your make up, styling your hair or shaving. People in doomsday scenarios always look good, even after they haven't taken a shower or brushed their teeth in over two weeks and they left all their personal hygiene supplies at home, in the rubble. First impressions are still important and you don't want to be mistaken for a zombie or a bad guy. (for some odd reason bad guys in these movies always look gross and oily, but never use this as a guide; contrary to what you've learned in movies)

4. During the end of the world, lights still work on the street, in buildings, in abandoned stores full of food and at gas stations with working pumps. But if they aren't turned on; this does indict that you should steer clear of this area. There are either zombies waiting to eat you, cannibals ready to eat you, packs of wild dogs ready to eat you, or little old grannies ready to eat you. Either way it's a clear sign that you will be dinner and you should probably just leave, quickly and quietly.

5. Always, always find someone that knows really awesome kung fu or some sort of street wise fighting style. At some point your gun (you do have a gun, right?) will run out of ammo right when something horrible is about to happen. Having a buddy that can Matrix the bad guys will save your life at some point.

6. Viruses have a tendency to kill regular old Joe's rather quickly but if it infects a scientist it usually doesn't kill them until after they discover a cure. So perhaps a career change now before the end of the world might be a great idea. Think scientist. Somehow, this protects you from the horrible, wrenching death that kills other people instantly. (Small downside, in a lot of movies they are the ones to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of humanity. Just something to keep in mind.)

7. Do not go to the top of the tallest building in the city and greet the aliens. Offering them signs of peace and hippie music or keyboard notes might not work that well for you. Instant vaporizing is usually the reaction. Try beer and BBQ ribs instead. Maybe a large coffee. I'm sure they're tired after traveling light years across the universe. That or run and let the other idiots be blown up first. Or barter, give them our politicians in exchange for not being laser gunned.

8. Dogs are great pets. They're part of the family but in the movies they will always die. But they will give up their life to protect the family. It will be a noble and honorable affair but they will die. So just be prepared. In the meantime, until their sacrifice, keep them away from other people. Otherwise, they could end up being the BBQ ribs offered to the aliens.(If you have a cat, forget it. He won't save your life. Cats are not loyal and will run away. Maybe keep one around to sacrifice to the aliens, though. Just an idea.)

9. If you are a single guy, you will run into the hottest chick in the entire world and she will want to hang out with you. Not only that, but even if you are the nerdiest dude ever and never left your parent's basement before now, you will get lucky. And she will be so grateful for saving her life that she will even stay with you after the disaster. (I would say that it works the other way around, but apparently in B-rated disaster movies only hot chicks survive. Sorry.)

10. And finally, if the disaster is total global destruction, such as a supernova, when there wouldn't be a solution to solve the problem before the entire human race and every creature on the Earth is annihilated, then at the very last moment when every thing seems lost and hopeless, the scientist, usually the one who brought the problem to every one's attention, slaps his forehead and says "Duh, that big blob on my scientific papers isn't the final equation of the end of the world, it's spilled coffee. I was wrong. The world isn't ending."
And then every thing is just peachy. The characters go home and watch the final episode of Dancing with the Stars and to check out the status of their friends on Facebook.

So, just to wrap things up...Remember, get a cool pick-up truck, find the hot chick, avoid dark places, and don't greet the aliens. And if all that fails, well you better hope Bruce Willis is ready to sacrifice himself on an asteroid for humanity or we're all doomed.