Zombies Ate my New Year's Resolutions

   Well, I was going to share my resolutions for this year, which happens to be the year of Doomsday but those damn zombies ate them.
   
     I'll try to remember them. Let's see.... It's 2012. Should I even bother with resolutions? After all, the Mayans have said we're all going to die. Doesn't seem to be much point in making a list that I'll fail to keep after three weeks anyway?
    Did I say three weeks? Mmmm, that's hopeful. I think my track record for resolutions made in the gloomiest month of year happens to be as accurate as Harold Camping's predictions of the end of the world. You know he's just trying to steal the Mayan's thunder. :)

    But boy, it's 2012 and the Internet is buzzing with more ways to die in the end of the world than any Hollywood script writer could imagine. Perhaps they should borrow some ideas from some of these sites, because no offense to John Cusack; but I'm not depending on him to save me during the end of the world.
   First of all...his only claim to fame is just simply being in the right place at the right time. He knows to flee, in a borrowed limo (give me an awesome pick up truck from the zombie movies), then the step-dad happens to be a pilot and his employer happens to have tickets and so on and so forth. Everyone around him dies horribly but he's just that lucky.
    Like I'm that lucky? Nope, I'll be sucked down into the bowels of the Earth.
    And then my second point; if you're the step-Dad you're going to die. Because John has to get back together with the ex-wife in this strange new world where only the ultra rich have survived.
    That's seems about right.

   I had a discussion about this. If you had to choose between John Cusack or Bruce Willis to save you from the end of the world, who would you pick? I think I'm going to post that on my Facebook page and see who wins.
   My vote: Bruce Willis featuring Aerosmith -because you need a good rock song to accompany the end of the world.

Heck, I would pick Frodo over John Cusack. :)

    Boy, all this talk of 2012 is starting to scare me. Ohh, I'm scared now.
   No, not really. Because if I made it through Y2K than I think I can make it through the end of the Mayan's calendar. Did anyone wonder if they didn't just run out of stone to carve on?
    Or better yet...
    "Hey, boss. Do you know what would be funny?" The bored, underfed stone carver asks.
    "Joe, get back to work, no one's asking you to be funny." The supervisor snarls.
    So Joe, not being especially bright, plots revenge. He's going to carve the end of the world into the calendar. Ha, that will show the boss. Wait until he gets scared and trembling because the end of the world is going to happen.
    Funny joke Joe. But now at least people are showing interest in other cultures, like the Mayans.

    In the meantime, I should at least make a New Year resolution to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse. Never thought P90X would come in handy to get in shape so I can run away from the zombies. Thank you Tony Horton, do you know how many people you're helping reach their 'Escape the Zombies' resolutions. 
    I need to purchase a pair of Velcro tennis shoes. Forget the laces, do I want to be tipping on untied shoelaces while the hoard of brain eating zombies are chasing me? Not a chance.
    Throw a bag together of some shotguns and chainsaws and I should be ready.  There, now that's a New Year Resolution I can keep...preparing for the zombies.
    And I'll start practicing on my weekly shopping trips to Wal-Mart...Where I happened to see a zombie the other day, seriously. She was dressed in old, dirty sweatpants and a big, grimy t-shirt. Her greasy, thin hair was matted down on the back of her skull and she walked in that laborious fashion of the zombie while nonsense words grunted from her lips. She wasn't mentally handicapped, otherwise I wouldn't be joking about it, she was just that uninterested in being human. Her cart was loaded with the worse processed food you can find and I have to start wondering if junk food isn't just food made specially for zombies.
    Wal-Mart; the birthplace of the zombie apocalypse...I'm sure of it.

    But joking aside, I hope if anyone purchased a yearly calendar that they asked for a discount since the end of the world is on December 21st. I wouldn't want to pay for an extra week. That also means I should plan on celebrating Christmas early. I would hate to get the tree up, the stockings hung and all the presents wrapped and not have time to enjoy a few pieces of pie before either we're hit by a huge asteroid, or the Earth does a shift on its axis thingy, or Wal-Mart is out of brains.

    Hey, I know what my New Year Resolution should be...getting Bruce Willis' number on speed dial. Just in case it's death by asteroid.

    That's sounds like a new board game. 'Clue- the 2012 edition'

     Is it death by asteroid, zombie apocalypse, mutant virus, or city falling into the Earth?
   
    Or even worse, death by overdose on Facebook?

      As long as the zombies don't come after me I'm wishing everyone a Happy New Year!!!

Day Eighteen- The Wonders of Grocery Shopping Alone

   Since winter arrived today and I'm missing the nice autumn-like weather of the last two weeks I'm going to write a bit of humor today. So yes, I'm grateful for grocery shopping by myself. It is so much easier to accomplish buying groceries when you don't have your own personal helpers to point out everything you  should be buying; like ice cream, cookies, chips; you know, the healthy foods. 
    Shopping alone and in peace, well almost in peace. It's difficult to ignore the piped in music and the harsh glare of fluorescent lighting otherwise it's almost like a spa day or like a mini vacation.
   Almost...if I wasn't going to Wal-Mart. 

Great things can happen on a solo shopping trip.

1. You actually can shop without it becoming another chance for the children to test your patience level. Of course, you still have to deal with shoppers that turn their carts horizontal across the aisle while they're shopping and talking on their cell phones. And you still have to avoid grouchy old ladies that will literally push you out of the way with their carts. What do they do with their cars?
     But you don't have to listen to kids complain about going shopping with you. And when you get up to the check out lane, you don't have a dozen unplanned items that you don't need.

2. You can buy a treat for yourself...and you don't have to share because they don't know about it. The chocolate is finally all yours.

3. You can blare the music in the car while you're driving and its not Backyardigans or the sound track to Shrek. You can play... grown up music.

4. When the hunk in the convertible glances your way, you know its because you're one hot mama and not because the kids are making weird faces that involve straws and nostrils.




5. You can purchase underwear and other unmentionables without your child broadcasting to the entire store personal information about the size and color of your underwear.

   There's plenty of reasons to shop solo. But if I didn't have a budget, I wouldn't go at all. I would hire one of those grocery services that deliver to your door and I would sneak off to the spa instead. Now that's a mini vacation.

The Philosophy of Going to School in your Pajama's

      After so many years of being a Mother and repeating the same routine every day for well over ten years, I finally decided that this morning was it. This morning we wouldn't worry about appearances, rules or routines.
       Brush your teeth, but please go to school in your pj's, your robe, don't brush your hair and leave your dirty underwear on. It's alright. It saves us time. We don't have to worry about grabbing our jackets because we're wearing our robes. There's more time for sleep because we don't have to do our hair and tonight, all we have to do is slip into bed and we're ready for nighttime.
     
        Have I truly lost it? Has years of doing dishes a few times a day finally drove me crazy? Has folding the same shirts, pants, and towels finally sent me over the edge? How many times can a person cook dinner before they decide that their children can live off cereal, fruit and toast for all three meals a day? I'm not sure but some nights my children get awfully close to finding out. (Grin)
         
        And I'm not kidding when I say I sent Bean and Abu to school in their pj's. They were so cute too. Flannel pajama bottoms, messy hair and their robes. I even took pictures to prove that we took a break from our usual getting ready for school routine. They don't get to go to school being so unkempt and messy. It was fun.
         I didn't do it because I'm tired and worn out on the same daily script. It was Crazy Day for their 'I'm Drug Free Week.' They had to dress wacky for their school day. My children thought showing up in their pj's would constitute being crazy.

         I have to smile because at least I'm not raising Wal-Mart shoppers. I swear if I have to see one more sloppy woman dressed in a tight spaghetti strap night shirt and baggy pants that keeps trying to fall off while I'm trying to purchase food I'm going to explain to her that when they say you should wear a shirt or no service; they also mean you should wear a shirt that doesn't allow your boobies to flop out for the entire world to see. And wearing shoes, means actual shoes; not fuzzy bunny slippers. Oh, boy. We'll leave discussions of Wal-Mart people for other websites.
       On that point though I do have to mention a funny piece of journalism I read. This reporter was interviewing a woman shopper about this dollar store that had opened up in her town. She was excited because she didn't have to dress up to shop there like she did when she went to Wal-Mart. What??? Does that mean she's just going to wear a robe or worse, her birthday suit?
       
        Anyway...

        I'm not sure how wearing crazy clothes is supposed to promote not using drugs. The theme for today is Too Cool for Drugs. Tomorrow they can bring a stuffed animal to school (great, lets not promote bed bugs while we're at it) and the theme is Hugs not Drugs. Wednesday's theme is 'Drugs turn you inside out' and they get to wear their clothes inside out. Thursday we are back to being crazy. And Friday is 'Partner up for a fight against drugs.' You have to find a friend and dress up in the same outfit.
         The girls love this week because it's a break from their normal routine. But I still wonder how many kids won't do drugs because they wore their clothes inside out for a day? I have my doubts and like all parents should do I have had frank discussions with my children about drugs and the consequences. I know Bean. Don't tell her not to do something without a reason she can agree with, otherwise she'll do it just to spite me. I don't want her getting into drugs because she's trying to prove a point to her parents. Whatever she may perceive that point to be. And obviously, even the most diligent parent can't always prevent their children from doing stupid things but I do find that they do better when they understand the truth. So with Bean, because I know she works off facts and information, I let her watch two shows on the Discovery Channel about drug usage. The one show was about a Mother who was going to give birth in a prison because of drug usage. The other show was about a Mother who gave birth to a baby addicted to heroin. The shows were honest, real and explained consequences far more thoroughly than bringing your favorite stuffed animal to school will ever do. But I suppose schools have to try because unfortunately, not all parents are going to educate their children.


        Which brings us around to philosophy, strangely enough. Right now, I'm reading a book, 'Breakfast with Socrates' by Robert Rowland Smith.
         Why would I be reading a book on philosophy? Probably because one can only clean the toilet so many times before you wonder if Socrates was right when he said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." Or maybe, it's better not to think about how many you have cleaned crap off the porcelain surface.
         The word 'philosophy' translates to mean, the love of wisdom. Which, as I've been trying to teach Bean, being wise is completely different than being smart. Of course, no matter how many times I've done it or how much I hate it, I do think it's being pretty darn wise to clean the toilet...often too. :)
         I've just started the book, so I'm not much pass the chapters that are about waking up and getting ready in the morning. I'm currently studying the ideas of Descartes and the state of existing. He said something cool like, "I think, therefore I am."
         Can that translate to blogging? "I blog, therefore I am."
         I will have to ponder that for a while.

         (Grin.)