It's official. I'm watching too much day time television. Or at least I have it clicked on while I'm doing other stuff just for the noise. The distraction. Either way, the shows have invaded my subconscious and my dreams. What's a pregnant woman suppose to do? I rather be dreaming about Ryan Reynolds again but alas, no such luck. But that probably wouldn't be such a great idea since modified bed rest includes a lot of no-no's. And lets just say I'm not missing doing the laundry but there are other things I am missing...
Anyway, my dream last night starts in an English Pub with Chef Gordon Ramsey. Apparently watching the BBC and Kitchen Nightmares is not healthy for you. For one thing, the guy annoys me. Yes, he's right most of the time and the conditions he finds these kitchens in are deplorable.
And I'm not sure what a health inspector actually does because rotten meat sitting out on shelves in the freezer seems like it's probably breaking a huge health code. I could be wrong but my Mama taught me not to cook moldy food.
But the guy is rude, and drops the F-bomb like he thinks seasoning his sentences with it is going to make his words seem more important. Personally, I don't know why he bothers with most of these kitchens...if they aren't already cooking with fresh and safe food, don't you think they already failed Basic Cooking 101? Having an Englishman cuss the living daylights out of them makes for great ratings..I have my doubts if it makes for better kitchens.
Back to the dream...I'm in a busy English pub, listening to Gordon Ramsey cuss some poor cook out for their horrible food. Hero Hottie and I sitting at a table waiting for our food when it arrives as a greasy, English fry up. French fries dripping with oil and a sandwich that has taken a dip in a pot of boiling stale oil. I eat part of it and surprisingly wake up with heart burn. Man, those dreams are real.
The dreams continues with a walk with some English dude who is telling us bad jokes about why it only takes one Englishman to get a job done but it would take two Scotsman to do the same thing. Apparently, this guy wasn't a fan of Braveheart. I have both English and Scottish in me so asking me to take sides would be like starting a war with myself. And then if we added my Irish ancestry...
No offense to any of my international readers, I'm just retelling my dream. I'm such a mutt of cultures and I'm glad for it.
But then the dream goes down the way of Auction Hunters. If anyone hasn't seen that show I haven't either until I was stuck on bed rest. It follows these two guys who go around and buy the contents of storage units. It's a treasure hunt show really. And what amazes me is the quality of stuff they find. But in the dream Hero Hottie and I are buying these antique clocks or mirrors with picture frames on them. I was so excited because I won them from the other bidders but I'm frustrated when I can't pick them up because of my lifting restrictions and he has to hold them while he drives the motorcycle we're riding on.
What???? I'm actually being careful in my dream of lifting heavy objects but I think it's okay to get on the back of a motorcycle? I'm sure my doctor would put that on my no-no list.
We're driving away from the auction place when we catch wind of the motorcycle gang riding ahead of us being caught by the cops. What show this is from I'm not sure but the scenery reminds me of the Bayou feeling from True Blood. Luckily, we didn't run into any vampires in my dream.
We verve off some side road, which is highly bumpy and dusty. At this point I start worrying that I shouldn't be on the back of a bike. Like, duh?? And some rich, young guy with enough attitude to makes you wish that he would lose all his money and have to shop at...Wal-Mart like the rest of us...rescues us just before the cops pull us over. Whew...but the dream doesn't stop there.
No, then I dragged into the plot of a LMN movie. Seriously, there's this sleazy guy with lame pick up lines that's almost handsome but there's just something a bit greasy about him so you know you shouldn't like him.
He's going around and marrying different women for their money. He starts out with women that hardly have anything, like a trailer and a junky car. And his pick up line always starts with a Rotisserie chicken from the grocery store deli and some excuse about not being able to cook. This somehow charms women into falling in love with him and after they marry and he steals everything he can he moves onto the next woman.
Moving up in the world until he marries some rich, heiress that has picture frames made out of real gold and gems in her bathroom. Of course, he's slowly having the real gems removed and replaced with copies as he steals from her. But then her teenage daughter from a previous marriage finds him flirting with some rich, Italian lady at the bank. And you know what pick up line he uses on this Italian lady with her heavy European accent...
yep, that's right..."I don't know how to cook. But I make a mean Rotisserie chicken. Let's eat." And he has her totally charmed with his fake American charm.
Luckily, the woman he's currently married to, figures out what's going on and the Rotisserie chicken man goes straight to jail. Thank goodness for the predictable justice of LMN movies.
At this point, the alarm wakes me up. It's not often I feel grateful for the most annoying sound in the world but since the chicken man had been brought to justice it was definitely time for that horrible collage of television to be turned off.
Now, of course I wouldn't be surprised if I saw this movie on next year's line up for an LMN movie but will I get credit for it...no, of course not. But that's okay. I'm giving this idea away for free.
In the mean time, I want to see the show where Gordon Ramsey takes on Bayou vampires and their kitchens, after all you should pick humans from the health food store and not McDonald's; with a side plot by the guys from Auction Hunters buying the storage units of vampires---because I bet they would have some good, old sh*t in there and perhaps we could have the greasy Rotisserie chicken man escape from prison just to be lured to his death by the Italian lady who is actually a vampire set out to rid the world of guys with lame pick up lines.
I wonder what I would dream if I started watching Bridezillas, Fear Factor and What Not to Wear?
Bed rest might just drive me crazy. :)
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