Since we're inching closer to 2012 with every passing day; cable channels seem obsessed with showing B- rated doomsday movies and documentaries on people that have predicted the future after the fact. Add the daily news; which is filled with wars, massive crop failures, natural disasters and 'safe' doses of radiation to the mix and I think we could all use ten tips to survive the coming years.
(This is a satire piece. I'm not an expert in surviving zombie attacks or supernovas and shouldn't be taken too seriously.)
1. In an event of a global extinction event, such as asteroids, fire balls, solar flares, etc. above all else stay away from national icons. They are always, no matter what, the first things to be destroyed. If you're in France, stay away from the Eiffel Tower, it will be wiped out. At the Taj Mahal, forget it. Mt. Rushmore, buy a postcard and leave. And if you are in San Francisco, please, please don't go on The Golden Gate Bridge...unless you like to swim.
2. Find the biggest, newest truck you can to make your escape in. In B-rated movies, the survivors always drive the coolest pick-up trucks.(No one drives away in little tiny Volkswagen bugs.)Trucks make you look awesome as you're fleeing for your life. The only downside is that they use up a huge amount of valuable gas. But bonus point; you can run over zombies with them.
3. There is no reason to skip putting on your make up, styling your hair or shaving. People in doomsday scenarios always look good, even after they haven't taken a shower or brushed their teeth in over two weeks and they left all their personal hygiene supplies at home, in the rubble. First impressions are still important and you don't want to be mistaken for a zombie or a bad guy. (for some odd reason bad guys in these movies always look gross and oily, but never use this as a guide; contrary to what you've learned in movies)
4. During the end of the world, lights still work on the street, in buildings, in abandoned stores full of food and at gas stations with working pumps. But if they aren't turned on; this does indict that you should steer clear of this area. There are either zombies waiting to eat you, cannibals ready to eat you, packs of wild dogs ready to eat you, or little old grannies ready to eat you. Either way it's a clear sign that you will be dinner and you should probably just leave, quickly and quietly.
5. Always, always find someone that knows really awesome kung fu or some sort of street wise fighting style. At some point your gun (you do have a gun, right?) will run out of ammo right when something horrible is about to happen. Having a buddy that can Matrix the bad guys will save your life at some point.
6. Viruses have a tendency to kill regular old Joe's rather quickly but if it infects a scientist it usually doesn't kill them until after they discover a cure. So perhaps a career change now before the end of the world might be a great idea. Think scientist. Somehow, this protects you from the horrible, wrenching death that kills other people instantly. (Small downside, in a lot of movies they are the ones to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of humanity. Just something to keep in mind.)
7. Do not go to the top of the tallest building in the city and greet the aliens. Offering them signs of peace and hippie music or keyboard notes might not work that well for you. Instant vaporizing is usually the reaction. Try beer and BBQ ribs instead. Maybe a large coffee. I'm sure they're tired after traveling light years across the universe. That or run and let the other idiots be blown up first. Or barter, give them our politicians in exchange for not being laser gunned.
8. Dogs are great pets. They're part of the family but in the movies they will always die. But they will give up their life to protect the family. It will be a noble and honorable affair but they will die. So just be prepared. In the meantime, until their sacrifice, keep them away from other people. Otherwise, they could end up being the BBQ ribs offered to the aliens.(If you have a cat, forget it. He won't save your life. Cats are not loyal and will run away. Maybe keep one around to sacrifice to the aliens, though. Just an idea.)
9. If you are a single guy, you will run into the hottest chick in the entire world and she will want to hang out with you. Not only that, but even if you are the nerdiest dude ever and never left your parent's basement before now, you will get lucky. And she will be so grateful for saving her life that she will even stay with you after the disaster. (I would say that it works the other way around, but apparently in B-rated disaster movies only hot chicks survive. Sorry.)
10. And finally, if the disaster is total global destruction, such as a supernova, when there wouldn't be a solution to solve the problem before the entire human race and every creature on the Earth is annihilated, then at the very last moment when every thing seems lost and hopeless, the scientist, usually the one who brought the problem to every one's attention, slaps his forehead and says "Duh, that big blob on my scientific papers isn't the final equation of the end of the world, it's spilled coffee. I was wrong. The world isn't ending."
And then every thing is just peachy. The characters go home and watch the final episode of Dancing with the Stars and to check out the status of their friends on Facebook.
So, just to wrap things up...Remember, get a cool pick-up truck, find the hot chick, avoid dark places, and don't greet the aliens. And if all that fails, well you better hope Bruce Willis is ready to sacrifice himself on an asteroid for humanity or we're all doomed.
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