To understand this tale of woe, I think you need a visual of my kitchen in your mind. First of all I live in a little house that was built in the late forties. It's a split level and the top floor has 800 square feet. There's the living room, the bathroom, the bedrooms, the hall closets and by the time you enter the kitchen, you have a tiny space that although would still be the envy of most New Yorkers, is difficult to work in because of the lack of counter top. On the one side, I have a stove and the bit of counter space between the double sink and the frig, which has a drainer on it that is only moved when guests come over. (I'm a Mom, do you know how many dishes I do? If there isn't dishes in it, there will be.)
The other side...what other side? I have shelving for clean dishes and a small counter top for the much needed and very used appliances. (And no there isn't a coffee pot there, but there should be.)
So when I'm cooking, I tend to -stir, mix, beat, whip, stuff, crunch, flatten- things in bowls on the edge of my sink or on an unused burner. This is the most inefficient way of cooking ever. I've even cooked over an open flame while camping, that was easier. Do you know how hard it is to mix a bowl of ingredients over a full sink of soapy dishes? It is a test in endurance, patience and ability. I watch those Extreme cooking shows on the Food Network, their contestants are weak. If you want a challenge, try a four course meal in my kitchen. That will toughen you up...or make you cry for your Momma. Like the Chairman on Iron Chef, my kitchen does not care for whining, moaning or bleeding digits.
Redesigning my kitchen is on the top of my list once I have money burning a hole in my pocket or even in my couch cushions. But in the meantime, back to my tale of woe...
It was a lovely summer afternoon, the sort that calls for a really good meal, like corn on the cob and potato salad. I had never attempted to make potato salad from scratch. Which is surprising considering all the cooking I do, but you have to understand my Grandpa on my Mom's side is German. He's very proud to be very German too. And he has the stories to prove it. The Irish might be well known for their tales of blarney but I hate to say it, in case I upset my Irish relatives, but the Germans have them beat. Not only does a German tell just as many tales, they know their stories are better than anyone else's in the world too.
When we have family get togethers, he makes the potato salad. I make the pies, and everyone else is free to bring whatever they want. It's tradition and it's just the way it is.
But I wanted to make potato salad for hero hottie and the kids. I carefully peeled, chopping perfect bite sized pieces. And then boiled them until they were just tender but not starchy and falling apart like some mashed potato dish wanting to be a salad. I had watched my Grandpa do this. This couldn't be so difficult.
I chilled the potatoes in the frig and then I mixed the pickle juice, mustard and mayo with all my secret spices(mostly pepper and salt) before stirring it all together into the delicious signature dish of summer. Then with a bit of trepidation I took a bite...and it was so yummy. The potatoes were tender, the mixture creamy and smooth but with just a bit of tangy from the pickle juice and mustard. I was thrilled. Hero hottie tried it and loved it. Mission accomplished.
And then the unthinkable. The heartache. The frustration. I was scooping potato salad onto my plate, after everyone else had loaded up their plates when the bowl, which was balanced on the edge of the kitchen sink, the kitchen sink full of soapy water, tipped to one side.
I struggled to catch it but I was holding my plate in one hand, the spoon to grab just one more little scoop of potato salad in the other hand and I had to watch as the bowl tipped to the other side and then landed with a flat thud into the soapy water. It tilted a bit when it landed and took in soapy water like a sinking ship and before I could save it, the rest of my potato salad had drowned in the dirty sea of dish water.
My beautiful creation of mayo and mustard and potatoes was now a sloppy mess of soap bubbles and watered down goodness. On one positive note everyone had a serving on their plates.
On the woeful side, the dish I had spent so much time and effort into was now a victim of my cruel kitchen. There would be no lovely left overs for lunch the next day. No stolen spoonfuls before being put in the frig. Nothing but the watery mess that would have to be thrown away.
So I did what every sensible cook does in a situation like that...I cried in the little bit of potato salad on my plate. And I have to say it helped quite a bit. People should cry more in their beers and over spilled milk, the tears just fix everything and like magic my potato salad came popping out of the dirty water and was fine. Okay, okay. I'm being sarcastic, with myself. Crying did not help...at all. The only thing that actually made me feel better was the hugs I got from my children. Those made me feel better. A lot better. And just a bit silly. Because I was making them worry over me and the only thing I was crying over was a bit of hard work and a little bit of drowned potatoes.
So the moral of this woeful tale is: Hugs are awesome...and make some money to design a new kitchen. No, that last part is wishful thinking. The real learning lesson is don't make potato salad over a sink full of dishes.Oh, and maybe don't let little, silly things like drowned potato salad slow you down in life.
Hugs are still awesome though.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Mama Tried to Warn Me Not to Date a Zombie...
Ahh, what can I say about dating a zombie? They aren't hot like a werewolf and they aren't mysterious and moody like a vampire. They actually remind me of the boyfriend who plays video games all the time, doesn't talk about anything (and complains that you do), and zones out when asked, 'do you want to do something romantic?' But hey, everyone has their ideal and maybe a zombie is for you...just know I tried to warn you.
1. When they take you out to eat, it's always to the same crappy place. They're not concerned about what you want to do or eat, they just want to eat the same thing...brains. They don't want to try anything new or unusual, like a salad with roasted sunflowers and avocado. No, they want brains and the bloodier the better. Wait a minute, are we still discussing zombies or guys with grills and any sort of meat available?
2. They're always going out with their friends, until late in the evening, after you've already done the dishes and walked the dog. For some reason, terrorizing the neighbors and eating their brains is more exciting than doing couple stuff.
3. Depending on the type of zombie they are, your boyfriend might lose body parts at inconvenient times, such as over at your parent's house or grocery shopping. This is gross and quite embarrassing. Can you imagine being on the subway, full of people? "Excuse me, I'm not trying to steal your seat, I just need to find my boyfriend's arm or leg, or nose." All of this while your boyfriend stands around doing nothing, except eyeing the beautiful blonde across the aisle.
"Are you checking out that blonde?" You accuse angrily.
"No, I like women for their brains." Zombie boyfriend says. Yeah, sure.
4. There is 'feet smell', and there is 'running laps sweaty smell', but there's nothing like the body odor of the undead. Plan on purchasing lots and lots of cologne for your zombie boyfriend. They tend to be quite wretched in their odor as body parts decompose. I would say that no one could put up with this smell but I've met some interesting people in my life, such as a lady who would collect road kill and store it in her freezer until she could boil the flesh from the bones. So I'm sure there are people out there in this strange world who wouldn't mind the constant odor of zombie flesh.
5. You remember that time when you would tried to discuss important things with your ex boyfriend while he was trying to watch the 'GAME'. And remember how that ended well... Having a zombie for a boyfriend is like that except all the time. They can't focus, they can't carry conversations and they're happy if you put them in front of a video game and let them play for days at a time.
6. With the Zombie Apocalypse a possibility, at least according to both the CDC and even the city of Bristol in the UK, having a boyfriend that is on a wanted list might be a horrible ending to your love story. How heartbreaking would it be to watch the love of your life be attacked by trained city officials as they try to "Fully disconnect the brain-stem from the body through either blunt force or full head removal." (This is contained in Bristol's city contingency plans for zombie attacks.) And forget all the zombie killing techniques we have learned from watching Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead. Your relationship is truly doomed and this is even before you take him home to meet Daddy.
7. He might try to eat your brains one day. This is a definite sign that there is something wrong in your relationship and you should probably break up before your story ends up on one of those crimes shows about deadly relationships.
So I tried to come up with ten possible hazards of dating a zombie but after seven I have come to the conclusion that perhaps zombies don't make the best boyfriend material. If you're not worrying about the smell of the undead and lack of conversations, then you have to worry about him eating brains or being killed by mobs of townspeople. Oh, I know dating is frustrating and complicated but I think you have to be desperate to date a zombie....On the other hand I see reality television shows in the making like...
My Zombie Boyfriend or The Zombie Bachelor or Zombie's Got Talent
1. When they take you out to eat, it's always to the same crappy place. They're not concerned about what you want to do or eat, they just want to eat the same thing...brains. They don't want to try anything new or unusual, like a salad with roasted sunflowers and avocado. No, they want brains and the bloodier the better. Wait a minute, are we still discussing zombies or guys with grills and any sort of meat available?
2. They're always going out with their friends, until late in the evening, after you've already done the dishes and walked the dog. For some reason, terrorizing the neighbors and eating their brains is more exciting than doing couple stuff.
3. Depending on the type of zombie they are, your boyfriend might lose body parts at inconvenient times, such as over at your parent's house or grocery shopping. This is gross and quite embarrassing. Can you imagine being on the subway, full of people? "Excuse me, I'm not trying to steal your seat, I just need to find my boyfriend's arm or leg, or nose." All of this while your boyfriend stands around doing nothing, except eyeing the beautiful blonde across the aisle.
"Are you checking out that blonde?" You accuse angrily.
"No, I like women for their brains." Zombie boyfriend says. Yeah, sure.
4. There is 'feet smell', and there is 'running laps sweaty smell', but there's nothing like the body odor of the undead. Plan on purchasing lots and lots of cologne for your zombie boyfriend. They tend to be quite wretched in their odor as body parts decompose. I would say that no one could put up with this smell but I've met some interesting people in my life, such as a lady who would collect road kill and store it in her freezer until she could boil the flesh from the bones. So I'm sure there are people out there in this strange world who wouldn't mind the constant odor of zombie flesh.
5. You remember that time when you would tried to discuss important things with your ex boyfriend while he was trying to watch the 'GAME'. And remember how that ended well... Having a zombie for a boyfriend is like that except all the time. They can't focus, they can't carry conversations and they're happy if you put them in front of a video game and let them play for days at a time.
6. With the Zombie Apocalypse a possibility, at least according to both the CDC and even the city of Bristol in the UK, having a boyfriend that is on a wanted list might be a horrible ending to your love story. How heartbreaking would it be to watch the love of your life be attacked by trained city officials as they try to "Fully disconnect the brain-stem from the body through either blunt force or full head removal." (This is contained in Bristol's city contingency plans for zombie attacks.) And forget all the zombie killing techniques we have learned from watching Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead. Your relationship is truly doomed and this is even before you take him home to meet Daddy.
7. He might try to eat your brains one day. This is a definite sign that there is something wrong in your relationship and you should probably break up before your story ends up on one of those crimes shows about deadly relationships.
So I tried to come up with ten possible hazards of dating a zombie but after seven I have come to the conclusion that perhaps zombies don't make the best boyfriend material. If you're not worrying about the smell of the undead and lack of conversations, then you have to worry about him eating brains or being killed by mobs of townspeople. Oh, I know dating is frustrating and complicated but I think you have to be desperate to date a zombie....On the other hand I see reality television shows in the making like...
My Zombie Boyfriend or The Zombie Bachelor or Zombie's Got Talent
This is not secret Zombie Apocalypse code, so townspeople of Bristol do not panic. This is for
Technorati, to help bring readers to my blog.
VHZ9RY96HMGG
Monday, July 18, 2011
Death of a Bookstore
Goodbye Borders. I will miss the long shelves of information, stories, and knowledge that was just within the reach of my fingertips. I will miss the smell of paper and ink mingling together in familiar warmth. I will miss the anticipation that tickled my insides as I held the new treasured book to my chest waiting to take it home and eagerly jump into the pages of another world.
How many books, (dozens) and how many authors did I discover because snowy days, icy and forbidding to play outside, were the perfect kind of days to spend lazy afternoons exploring the shelves of the bookstore? Buying books online is doable but I can't flip through the pages, trying to decide if I want to purchase it.
I know we blast full speed into the future, with electronic books and quick downloads right into our reading devices. And in some way this may be easier, it certainty would be kinder on the back when moving. Physical books weigh so much and my library is huge. The prices are lower and it looks like authors are branching out and daring to do things on their own, each book selling for less but in fact making more profit per book for the writer since they're not having to share with their agent and publisher.
But children's books, picture books have to be physical. They have to be something you can curl up with as your child sits on your lap and listens to the story. Bonding. Sharing. Growing. And how am I supposed to pick one out that can live up to the potential of being read over and over again without me going crazy??? If I'm going to read a book a million, trillion times I want to enjoy it too. How am I supposed to pick that out through a computer screen??
See, to understand my sorrow you have to realize that Borders was the last bookstore in my town. Over the last ten years the downward spiral of the economy took out the local Mom and Pop bookstores, then it killed off the two bookstores in the mall and now, it has finished off the only bookstore we had left. And although I still question big corporations, such as Borders, because of the threat they pose to small businesses, I still enjoyed the experience of buying my books in their bookstore because of their selection, their welcoming atmosphere, and the ability to almost always find something I wanted to read.
Every Christmas my siblings, grandparents, and parents would go in on a huge gift card to Borders for my children's Christmas present. They loved it because they could purchase a new book every month for almost a year. What lucky kids! And every trip to the bookstore furthered their love for stories and books. It fed their thirst and hunger for learning. Textbooks are okay but if you want your children to really learn about the world encourage their reading of classics, and biographies and anything that interest them.
With a heavy heart I read the Wall Street Journal online and realized that the death of the bookstore will effect all of us. They employed around 10,700 people who are going to be losing their jobs. They owe money to publishers, some who will probably not survive because of this. The publishers owe authors who aren't going to be paid. The publishing world is already in mass chaos as the world economy is shaken and stirred by events I have no control over. Now, they have to survive the massive death of around 400 bookstores. That's 400 less places to showcase great books, 400 less places for a fledgling author to possibly gain notice.
400 less places for a child to discover a bigger world.
Times are always changing but obviously the lost of so much for so many people will not be a good thing. But hopefully, even as access is restricted to books for some people, we never forget the magic of a good story.
The thrill of reading, 'Once upon a Time..."
The happy sigh as one finishes a great story...
Today though, it's too bad Border's story ends as a tragedy...
How many books, (dozens) and how many authors did I discover because snowy days, icy and forbidding to play outside, were the perfect kind of days to spend lazy afternoons exploring the shelves of the bookstore? Buying books online is doable but I can't flip through the pages, trying to decide if I want to purchase it.
I know we blast full speed into the future, with electronic books and quick downloads right into our reading devices. And in some way this may be easier, it certainty would be kinder on the back when moving. Physical books weigh so much and my library is huge. The prices are lower and it looks like authors are branching out and daring to do things on their own, each book selling for less but in fact making more profit per book for the writer since they're not having to share with their agent and publisher.
But children's books, picture books have to be physical. They have to be something you can curl up with as your child sits on your lap and listens to the story. Bonding. Sharing. Growing. And how am I supposed to pick one out that can live up to the potential of being read over and over again without me going crazy??? If I'm going to read a book a million, trillion times I want to enjoy it too. How am I supposed to pick that out through a computer screen??
See, to understand my sorrow you have to realize that Borders was the last bookstore in my town. Over the last ten years the downward spiral of the economy took out the local Mom and Pop bookstores, then it killed off the two bookstores in the mall and now, it has finished off the only bookstore we had left. And although I still question big corporations, such as Borders, because of the threat they pose to small businesses, I still enjoyed the experience of buying my books in their bookstore because of their selection, their welcoming atmosphere, and the ability to almost always find something I wanted to read.
Every Christmas my siblings, grandparents, and parents would go in on a huge gift card to Borders for my children's Christmas present. They loved it because they could purchase a new book every month for almost a year. What lucky kids! And every trip to the bookstore furthered their love for stories and books. It fed their thirst and hunger for learning. Textbooks are okay but if you want your children to really learn about the world encourage their reading of classics, and biographies and anything that interest them.
With a heavy heart I read the Wall Street Journal online and realized that the death of the bookstore will effect all of us. They employed around 10,700 people who are going to be losing their jobs. They owe money to publishers, some who will probably not survive because of this. The publishers owe authors who aren't going to be paid. The publishing world is already in mass chaos as the world economy is shaken and stirred by events I have no control over. Now, they have to survive the massive death of around 400 bookstores. That's 400 less places to showcase great books, 400 less places for a fledgling author to possibly gain notice.
400 less places for a child to discover a bigger world.
Times are always changing but obviously the lost of so much for so many people will not be a good thing. But hopefully, even as access is restricted to books for some people, we never forget the magic of a good story.
The thrill of reading, 'Once upon a Time..."
The happy sigh as one finishes a great story...
Today though, it's too bad Border's story ends as a tragedy...
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