Bullying Revisited

    Less than a month ago I wrote about Bean and her horrible problem with the Mean Girl. (Blog Link)
    I was at a complete loss of what to do. We weren't getting anywhere with the school and my oldest child absolutely refused to go back to her class.
    I was ready to pull her out and finish the year at home. But Hero Hottie and I weren't sure if that was the best opinion for her...if the situation could be fixed. She had been attending this school since Kindergarten and we wanted to see her graduate with her classmates. Of course, at the point, she knew there was no way she could continue going to this school if something drastic wasn't done. Even if it meant not completing her elementary career at the school she had started at.
     And yes, since I was home schooled, I was completely open to the idea of home schooling. In fact, during the summer we do a mini version of it every day to keep the girls up to speed on their schoolwork and fill in any gaps.
    But we didn't want to make the decision to home school just because of some bully. I told Bean she couldn't be like Simba in the Lion King and hide.
    "Mom, haven't you heard? Bugs are slimy but satisfying."
    "Hakuna Matata?" I asked and she smiles. But it's still a shadow of her usual self. My heart breaks for her.

    I told her to let me try one more attempt at fixing the situation. If that didn't work, then we would let her stay home because I wasn't going to let my daughter stay in a toxic environment. She's about to go into those turbulent middle school years where self doubt is already a huge factor in everything...I didn't need her entering those years already hating herself and believing everyone else hated her too.

   So I wrote an email to the principal. I figured explaining every thing in black and white would either make it very clear on what kind of situation we were dealing with or I wouldn't get anywhere and then I would know what decision to make from there.
   I calmly told him that this was bullying situation and then stated the various situations that had occurred, when they had occurred, and what was actually said. I also called the city school office and asked them where I could find the policy on bullying on their website. They had to take my name and number and call me back with the information.
   What I didn't know is that they used that information to figure out who my kids were and what school we attend. The assistant superintendent then proceeded to call the principal and ask what the heck was going on. I did not give her permission to do this, so I'm not sure how I feel about this. Perhaps it helped to bring clarity to the situation but I think my email did most of that.

   I wrote in my email what actions Mean Girl had done that were clearly breaking the policy on bullying. And there were a lot. Things that weren't even considered minor infractions but very serious ones.
   And then I told him that even though I loved the school and that Abu would still be attending and I would still be Treasurer on the PTO, if the situation with Bean could not be fixed then I would be pulling her out.
   He called me right away and was quite upset. The email had really made things clear to him and he said the problem would be taken care of by the next day. I don't know why it took an email to clarify things but sometimes seeing something in the written word can be very powerful.
   Either way...by the next day he had dealt fully with the situation. He gave Mean Girl one chance to confess or else...
   She confessed to everything.
   He couldn't go into details of her punishment but did say it would follow the handbook policies, which are strict and harsh for such actions. Her Mom was also called and informed of Mean Girls' actions.
   Finally, Mean Girl was also told that should she even look at Bean the wrong way it was an automatic trip to the Principal's office. And that for the rest of the school year all infractions would be directly handled by the principal.
   He also talked to the other girls about how their behavior of listening to cruel rumors and lies and deciding to outcast Bean just because someone else told them to had deeply hurt Bean to the point where she didn't even want to be at school. They were shocked and remorseful that they had inflicted so much pain.
  
  When Bean returned to school the other girls welcomed her back with smiles and offers to play with them. They had learned something too and hopefully that carries over with them into middle school, when the Mean Girl problems can really start to surface. Perhaps next time they will think for themselves and decide not to outcast someone just because the popular girl told them to.

   In the meantime, Bean is smiling. Real smiles. Joyful smiles. And she's going to school. Her biggest concern is math and how much she hates it. I rather deal with that problem than a bully. The principal keeps a close eye on the whole bunch of them, even having lunch with them a few times so he can stay involved.

    Bean is back to dressing up again. Doing her hair and putting in new earrings every day. She had slowly stopped doing anything special to get ready for her day, like she was trying to make herself invisible. Now she wants to shine again.

   The Mean Girl leaves her alone. And she better. I would hope she learned something from all this...but I seriously doubt it. I know she's only fifth grade and some people would stay that means she can learn to be better. I don't believe that. I say she's only fifth grade and she already knows how to ruin someone's life. What will she be like as an adult?  But I do feel sad for her...she has to be a pretty miserable person on the inside to act the way she does.
    But it doesn't mean I give her permission to ever speak to my daughter again. Ever.

   I learned a lot from this. Write it down. Spell it out. Don't back down. And know it's okay to be a lioness when your cub is under attack.
   The motto Hakuna Matata works sometimes.
   Other times you need a different motto....Don't mess with the Momma!

An Old Friend Can Save You from a Tidal Wave

  Back in January I was feeling overwhelmed. I wrote "So for right now this girl is going to find a rock ledge to hide under and wait for the storm to pass; letting the waves wash away the debris of gathered negative thoughts and when the sun breaks and the ocean glows with its warmth; this girl's going sunbathing" (Link for Blog)

    A few days later I would find out I was pregnant and that explained a lot of my ups and downs I was feeling. But in between writing my blog and reading a positive pregnancy test, a dear friend from my childhood sent me a letter.
    With excitement, I tore open the letter from Mrs. Tracy. She was my second grade teacher and is still my friend. And even though we're 1100 miles apart and there is a 49 year difference between us, we can still connect. And somehow, because friendship is just that powerful, she knew exactly what I needed that week.
  The letter was wonderful; sharing news of her family and life and her passion, even in her eighties, of trying to save the world. She also sent old photos from so long ago. I was shocked to see myself, standing on the Oregon beach, surrounded by my family. The sky is slightly overcast and you can see the edge of the waves coming in. The smiles are huge and the joy can be felt just by looking at the photo.
  The other photo is a familiar place, Tolovana Park. I can feel the wind and smell the sea salt just by looking at this glance into my childhood.
  When I was feeling swept away by life, Mrs. Tracy sent me something precious.

   I don't usually share really personal photos on my blog, especially from my childhood but I just felt like I needed to...
     Because it's the people in our life that define us, that support us, that hold us up when we feel threatened by the waves of life. 

    So here is the first photo- Tolovana Park.

And the second photo. I should almost make you guess what goofy kid I am...but I won't. I'm the one on the far right. So goofy with my tucked in shirt and thick bangs. But I absolutely loved those pants and my watch. And obviously the smile on my face says a lot.

So Thanks Mrs. Tracy for being there for me, even if you don't know just how timely your letter and photos are. And even if I can't properly explain just how powerful a letter and a few photos from a trip to the beach can be. But maybe since we've been friends for so long...you do understand.
   And that's why a good friend is something precious...beyond the simple words on a blog.

A Garage Full of Failed Endeavors

   What was I thinking? I must be crazy because I was spending my nice Saturday morning sorting and throwing things out in the dusty, crowded and spider inhabited garage.
    Oh, I know. I'm pregnant and in less than six months I need to have some space in the house prepared for the new baby. This translates into making room in the garage for the stuff I have to move from the house.  (We don't have an extra room to just give the baby, so we're playing musical chairs.)
    Unfortunately, the garage has become a destination for items that are no longer needed or wanted and is a mess. For three years I've tried to fix the problem and just when I get close to an organized and clutter free zone, the kids out grow some toys, or we buy wood for an outdoor project that has to be stored in there.
    I'm about ready to toss it all into the back of a pick up truck and donate it.
    At this point I don't even remember every thing we have stored in the garage. And if I don't remember what's in the garage do I really need it?
   Yes.
   And no.

   I did find a few boxes of childhood treasures. Old journals (was I really that boy crazy?), my sticker album from when I was five (who can part with stickers from the eighties. They're classics.)
    And letters from all my pen pals before there was such a thing as the Internet or email or Facebook. (Yes, children. Mommy used to communicate with her far off friends by writing to them....on paper. And there was this thing called a stamp that would take it to their mailbox.)

    I tossed old magazines, dead pens and broken toys. I was doing a pretty good job too. Until I ran into a couple of different boxes that contained not fond memories but remnants of failed dreams and ideas.
    The sad remains of failed businesses and successes that never happened.
    Well, I wasn't expecting that. This pregnant lady is way too emotional already...being reminded of all the different things I have tried to do and didn't succeed at was a bit too painful. Why did I save them to begin with? I'm not sure.
    I was hoping to torture myself with them later, I guess.

    There's a saying about failing your way to the top. I'm hoping that's true, otherwise the only thing I'm good at succeeding at...is well, failing.

    I looked at the first engagement photos I took for a friend of mine. They weren't bad. The expressions were good, some of the poses were nice and the composition brought my focus right to their loving faces. But it wasn't professional and in ten years I had definitely learned a lot about photography. I just thought by now I would be doing it more professionally and not just on the side. I'm not sure if I lost focus somewhere, just got busy, or wasn't confident enough in myself to keep going. But it was a reminder that I wasn't where I had wanted to be with my skills by now.

   The second thing I came across was advertisement from a failed business Hero Hottie and I had tried to do a couple of years after we married and we were unsure about college. It was called Low Gravity Designs and we were supposed to design web pages, fix broken photos, and graphic design. Instead, Hero Hottie won a contract with a local professor to animate a science character to teach kids science, which was paid for by a grant from NASA. I love saying that part. It just sounds impressive...a grant by NASA. It took him over a year and we barely made over $5000. Experience was great...the pay didn't even cover expenses. It was a painful learning lesson about making money. Then before we could try to grow any further, I lost my job, we had to sell our house and Hero Hottie had to take the first job available. He did try to find work with animating studios but unfortunately doing the time he could really try to get in with one, none of them were hiring. By the time they were hiring again...we were too busy trying to survive financially with Abu on the way.
   So Low Gravity Designs died a quiet and unassuming death but it was a huge disappointment to us. We closed the bank account, put all the papers and files in a box and it ended up in the garage.

   I sigh. Should I go on? Yes, but only because there's more.
   In the next box was left over craft supplies and decorations from a business I tried to have with my sister in law and my sister. It was called The Party Muse and we had great ideas but not the knowledge or experience to pull it off. It didn't even last that long before we called it quits. We just didn't have a clear and concise plan to make it work. I think we spent more time on figuring out the name than how to make it succeed. The only other great thing about it, besides the name, was the time we got to socialize together, especially since I spent most of my time taking care of two small children.

   The last box contains my vast collection of rejection letters from publishers that weren't interested in my writing. So the dream of being published by one of the Big 6 is dead. It's difficult to receive a glimmer of interest from an agent or a publisher and then have them change their mind.

   So I stand in the garage, surrounded by broken toys and broken dreams. And I decide. I can allow these things...these material items...to bring me down. I can let them make me feel like a failure or I can decide to learn from these boxes.
   It's difficult. It's so easy to say I'm not upset by all these things I tried to do and somehow couldn't succeed at. But I am upset. Because now that I'm older and more experienced, I know what I did wrong.
    And running a business is not something that just comes naturally to me. And I'm easily distracted by children. :) That's one I can't mind so much because I love spending time with my children.

    As far as the writing goes, I still have big dreams and impossible wishes but I also have experience and age and actual, written goals to make them succeed. I will just approach getting my writing out there by a different route. I will use the Internet and Amazon to reach for the stars. I don't owe the Big 6 anymore of my time or tears.

   So I can't say I haven't learned something from my boxes of failed endeavors.

   I found Abu's old Dory toy from Finding Nemo in a box of discarded toys. She used to play with the bright blue stuffed animal in her crib all the time. Dory had a great quote in the movie that just seems to fit,  "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."

  And never give up.